Man finds out wife really married him because she loved his best friend. CONCLUDED
"My wife married me because of my best friend."
My wife married me because of my best friend. Sounds fake. Sounds like drama script. Don't f*%$&ng care, I need to get it out somewhere or I'm going to go nuts.
We are from the same high school. Apparently, my wife had a huge crush on my best friend since junior high. And my best friend knew about this.
Back to my story.
It's been 10 years since we got married, and she still loves him. That makes it 10+ years of one-sided love from her to him and 12 years of my one-sided love to her. She only got close to me and dated me so she could be in touch with my best friend. She wanted to be a part of his life no matter what, so she chose me as a scapegoat.
And here I thought, she loved me. How did I find this out? She told me 3 weeks ago. Why did she tell me? Because I decided we were ready for a child and brought up the discussion over dinner.
She told me she could make love with me, she could marry me, and even 'act' like she loved me(and obviously did a pretty damn good job at it), but she can't bare to give birth to a child that is mine and not his. She can't give birth to a child who looks like me and not him.
So she can't have my child. Then she left me. That day. She didn't even say sorry. Not that it will make it any better, but she did say she did her best. Did her best. And this is what it is.
That's the end of the story. I have no more to tell. She just left and is not picking up my calls, emails, texts, or whatever way of contacting her. I haven't reached out to my best friend either. I know they are not together. Actually, maybe I'll be happy for her if she does end up with him at this point.
And here I am, not even feeling anything, and I'm not sure if this is normal. This feels like a whole big play. I'm not even sure if I even put this right in text. I'm sorry. This is a mess.
OP added some more details in the comments.
Thank you all for your concerns. Just to clear things up:
We did talk about kids before this. Couple times actually, but I wasn't very serious about it until now. She said she wasn't really into having kids yet, and she just wanted to enjoy ourselves when we could.
I didn't know that would mean so differently to her. She made it clear that she isn't seeking any relationship with my friend. She told me that she doesn't really imagine having a relationship with him, and that will be how it is for whoever knows how long.
I know this sounds weird, but she told me that this whole one-sided love is a bit of a permanent 'habit' of hers that she can't get rid of. Ever. I don't know if she seaked therapy for this because I was out of my mind at the time to even ask about some of the questions I have and want her to answer.
Divorce:
I'm not sure how I will be dealing with this. I really loved this girl. This woman. To sound even more crazy, I still do.
No, I don't intend to continue this marriage. This marriage was meant to break from the very start now that I think about it.
I'm just really tired at the moment to even seek an attorney, psychiatrist, or therapist. I know I am also weird, but I want to talk to her first before doing things legally. There are still many things I want to ask her, talk about, hear about, and be mad about, but I just can't do any of it right away. My buddy probably doesn't know that she still has feelings.
Who would have known that a person could have one-sided feelings toward someone for over a decade? I don't intend on talking about it to him until some of the things are cleared up on my side. Thank you again for your care. I'm sorry I can't give the best response at the moment.
4 days later, the OP returned with a formal update:
Hi all, hopefully you have been well. Thank you all for your kind and comforting words, I really appreciate it. I'm not sure if this is an update or not, but I'm in a better mental state today, so let me get some stuff out.
Let's get this started. It's long, and even though I am in a better mental state, I may not put these words together as I wanted to be since I have so much to say. There are lots of TMIs in this post. Excuse my grammar as well. Let's start with my wife. Or what kind of a person she was first.
My wife, for one, is a good person. Or was a good person. At least the person who I was with would be viewed as a good person from a social perspective. I'm not saying this to protect her. I'm giving you an idea of how people would view her in general if you knew her.
She can't pass by homeless people without giving them anything out of her purse. She can't let a friend be sad and would do anything she can to comfort them. She is full of emotions, empathy, sympathy, love and etc. She volunteers every weekend for seniors and homeless people. Many more can be listed, but you get my point. She was pretty attractive, too. That's why I fell in love with her.
She was a charming, smart, and kind person. A dream girl. I wouldn't have asked for anyone else.
We were all friends as I have mentioned, and when she showed interest in me, I also eventually grew feelings for her pretty quick. Why would I hesitate? Like I said, she was like a dream girl to a man; at least to me.
For all I know, I was her first guy. She didn't ever sleep with another guy, and that I know for sure. Her family was strict, and she lived with them until marriage, so I wouldn't say she really had a chance to get physical with someone. So, yes. I'm her first guy. I wouldn't in a million years would suspect that all those times together were a lie.
Well. She did a god damn good job at keeping that dirty secret of hers.
I was devoted to making this woman happy. I would have died to save this woman if I had to. I loved her to the core, every inch of her. I did everything to make her happy. That's why it hurts so much right now being betrayed. Or was it really a betrayal if she never loved me in first place?
Because I sincerely thought she loved me. I mean, how would anyone pretend to ask for a kiss, hug, and affection to someone for 10+ years if they never loved them?
Would you really want to cuddle up with a man who you never loved? Would you really want to share the same bed with a man who you never loved? Would you really want to hold someone's hand you never really loved?
Would you really want to legally be married to a man who you never loved? Can you really look into their eyes and say you love them with someone you never loved?
For real? For over a decade? Really? Can someone be this good at acting? Wouldn't there have been at least tiniest inch of me in her heart, reserved with feelings? Did she really. I mean, really. Never. Loved me? Even once? For real? Not... even once?
Yes, I am probably in a denial, and I probably will be for a long time. Because apparently, you can do all those s@*t without actually loving them. Which I still can't believe. Now, the update with my current situation:
I caught up with my buddy last night and asked him what's new, drank a bit, and finally, I brought this conversation up. It wasn't easy to bring it up. I mean to put it in literal text, 'My wife married me because she loved you.'
He was shocked, of course. He was probably just as shocked as I was. He didn't know what to say for a long time.
It seems like she never contacted him even after she left. With that, to my surprise, other than our small dinner gatherings together, she never really contacted him personally. To be honest, she didn't really join those dinner gatherings much either.
I asked him:
'Did my wife ever say that she had feelings for you?'
To that, he mentioned:
'A long time ago, yes. She did say she had feelings for me. But that was like more than a decade ago, long before you two were dating, when we were all young and dumb.'
We talked for a long time about a lot of things. Mostly about our past, our school years, college years, life, everything.
And now here I am, feeling guilt. I feel guilty to the point. It hurts my guts.
He didn't have to be involved in this messy story, but my selfish a** decided it was a good idea to talk to him about it. I regret it. He said sorry, even though it was not his fault. I'm a terrible person for this.
As for my wife...
We are meeting up in two weeks. If you ask why in two weeks, she left an email saying she is at another country because she also felt like she needed to go off somewhere to put things together and will return in two weeks.
If you ask why I'm meeting up with her, she asked if it is okay with me. She wants to meet up for a talk. I agreed to it. I have lots of things to ask her. I haven't really had proper sleep for weeks. I'm tired.
I'm sorry for the rant. I didn't mean to. Forgive me. And thank you for hearing me out again. Best wishes to you all.
Here were the top comments after this update:
When someone tells you that they've been married to you for A DECADE, only because they wanted to be near your friend.......then there's nothing worth saving. Honestly, that's sick. I don't care how many homeless people she gave a dollar. I would take this time to discuss with an attorney, and serve her with divorce papers when she returns home.
I would already consult a lawyer before you meet her, even if she says counseling there’s no coming back from “I married you to be close to the other guy”
4 months later, the OP returned with an update:
Hello to all.
It's been quite a while since my last post. Things took a turn in a big way during that couple months.
Some kind people sent messages asking me how I was doing, and what was happening. I couldn't answer any of it because I was too devastated to answer. So here is my update.
To make things short, my wife died, and I am a widower. You may say 'what the f*ck' after reading this, but she died. We met shortly after the email she sent me.
Believe it or not, it wasn't pretty. I thought I could keep myself together, but I ended up being hideous. Never have I cried so much in my life, and never have I been so used in my life. I honestly, sincerely, deeply felt the meaning of betrayal.
My conversation with her was basically a repeated routine of why did you do this to me, how could you do this to me, why did you marry me and why now you have choose to reveal this to me. She didn't really give a clear answers to my questions. She was mostly quiet, and she only gave answers that made me even more emotional. One thing I do remember her saying was 'I'm sorry.'
After some more meaningless conversations, I said I wanted a divorce. Not loving me was one thing but to deceive me for a decade is another. She agreed to it.
Since we needed a year of separation before marriage, we got separated and that was it. I told her to sincerely f*%k off, and never show herself in front of me ever again. And she died.
A week after she left, I got a phone call from my mother in law alerting me that she died. She took a pill and didn't wake up again. She didn't leave any note or any messages to anyone. She just left for good and that was all.
Funeral took place, but I couldn't go. My best friend went, and I hope she is happy with that.
It's been 3 month since she died. A deep trauma has been placed inside me and I have been seeking therapy since. Hasn't got better, but with that, I am functioning as the bare minimum of human being, at least.
My life has been torn apart and I my entire self can't function as it used to. I'm not even sure if I have put this post in a righteous form that would make sense. If it's a mess, I'm sorry. This was the best I could do.
Some may find my story disturbing or some even may think it is made up. I don't really mind if you think it is a lie. I myself have a hard time believing this and I am still processing.
I guess I will never find out what her true feelings were and what she wanted to do with me. But if one of her goal was to haunt me for the rest of my life, she did a very good job of making sure of that.
This is the last post I will ever make and will ever post. I really appreciate your concerns and kindness through the past 3 month. I wish you all well. Thank you.
Here were the top rated comments after this final update:
I hope OP gets some serious therapy. That would f**k with anyone's mental health.
It's....Just a shame his ex(wife) never got the help she apparently needed.
right? people are taking this like it was a long con from the wife... but I have a hard time believing it was all a perfect ruse to be near this person she apparently didn't interact with that much? more likely she had some level of psychotic break. so sad.
A guy I know... he dated his wife for over a decade before they finally got married. A few months after the wedding, she starts acting weird. I don't know the details, really, but it was a personality shift, and I guess claimed she never really loved him (or maybe claimed she didn't know what love was? This whole thing happened at least 10 years ago).
They separated 6 months after the wedding. He was heartbroken and upset. Gets a call from the hospital a couple months later, as they're still legally married, and he's next of kin... she was in a coma and he had to decide what to do. Iirc, the damage was too extensive, and she was essentially brain dead at that point. Some kind of brain tumor.