Grieving woman blocked from attending mother's funeral by controlling boyfriend; 'My mom deserved peace.' + UPDATE
"My (26/f) mom died a couple days ago. My boyfriend (31/m) is refusing to go to the funeral or let my daughter go with me because it's religious."
Momsfuneral
Like the title says...I just lost my mom a couple of days ago from ovarian cancer. I'm devastated right now and my boyfriend (we've been together for a year and a half) isn't helping me at all.
My mom and I weren't on good terms before her death because of my boyfriend. John and my mom never got along because he's a deep set atheist and my mom is very religious.
Major issues popped up once I got pregnant and had my daughter...my mom pressed for me to have my baby baptized into the church, which I wanted to do, but John was dead set against it.
He convinced me that baptizing her and indoctrinating her was a bad choice and that we should leave it to her to choose when she was old enough. I agreed. My mom didn't take this well at all and after many angry and hurt arguments, she cut off contact with me.
Not having my mom with me during my pregnancy or my baby's birth took a big emotional toll on me but John insisted it was for the best and he didn't want my mom near my daughter at all and that my mom was evil for hurting me.
At the time, I was angry, so I agreed. I found out my mom was sick with ovarian cancer a month ago when she called me and wanted to talk. I was horrified and all the anger kind of just fell away.
I tried to make the best of my time with her, brought my daughter to meet her grandma, and tried to build good memories with her. I'm happy to say we reconciled and my mom and I made our peace with each other before she died.
I don't want to trash my boyfriend, but John has been a major pain since I found out my mom was sick. He said "she deserved it" but quickly backed down when he saw how angry that made me. He refused to go with me to visit or help care for my mom.
He didn't even really want to listen to me talk about how happy I was to reconnect with my mom..all he did was remind me that my mom hurt me and I should have no contact with her and she didn't deserve for me to speak to her.
I told him that my mom isn't perfect, but my mom also raised me by herself and that she was my rock for many years and he should respect that. He said nothing outside telling me there was no value in talking to her.
Now we're planning the funeral. I asked John to go with me, and he refused instantly. He said he hated my mom, that she was a "cvN+" to "our family", and that he wasn't going to church ever and it was rude and insensitive of me to ask. When I said I was taking my daughter, he had the nerve to actually tell me that I was not, under any circumstances, taking her.
I have been through an emotional roller coaster this past week. I lost my mom after we finally made up. My boyfriend has been stupidly unsupportive, and now he's refusing to let me take my child to her grandmother's funeral and refusing to come to at least support me.
My daughter is the one thing that brings me comfort and I want her with me. Is that so unreasonable? It seems like the more I push, the more he digs his heels in and I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. His attitude towards this entire thing is breaking my heart on top of my mom's death.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
DiTrastevere
"He said, 'She deserved it.'"
...holy...
Your boyfriend is awful. He doesn't actually think that attending one funeral will indoctrinate your daughter, this is just a sick power play.
He wants to get one over on your dead mother. Think about that for a second. He is vying for power over you with your dead mother. Go to the funeral. Take your daughter. Grieve however you need to. Then make him your ex.
Sarahhhhhhhh8
Your boyfriend is an AH, not a partner. I am so, so sorry. Go to your mother's funeral, and then evaluate if you want to spend the rest of your life with a rigid, hateful man. Is your daughter also his daughter? I am so sorry.
Momsfuneral (OP)
She is. She's only several months old so it's not like she'd even understand what was going on. His indoctrination claim makes no sense to me at all.
cute_penguin
Ironically enough, your boyfriend is acting like an extreme religious nut who refuses to acknowledge any other religion but his own. He's being an a-hole and a horrid partner to you.
Is this the kind of man you want to raise your daughter around? Someone who is willing to emotionally hurt his partner because she opposes his opinion? You have every right to attend your mother's funeral and bring your daughter. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
Momsfuneral
Thanks everyone that sent me condolences about my mom. It's been really hard these past several days but I've been hanging in there okay. I tried being reasonable to John about he wanted to handle things...
I even told him like one poster here suggested that he didn't have to go to the service, but could wait in the lobby with my daughter while the service was on going, then she could spend time with my family after the service, but he again, shot it down.
He would be able to hear the service and that was "a violation of his beliefs and asking to compromise on those beliefs was unconscionable and unfair to our daughter". I told him I had had it.
This is the icing on a very large cake. I told John that as of this week, I wanted our bank account separated (he made us join accounts to make sure we split everything equally to be fair despite ME making more) and that I'd be staying with my brother after the funeral while we figured out what to do, whether that was a total breakup or counseling. It was up to him.
He said counseling was for "the weak minded" and that we were staying together despite my "empty threats" and there was no way he was letting me take his money. He became very loud and in my face during this conversation so I just let him throw his tantrum until he took my silence as agreement.
I took my daughter with me to the viewing with no problems. John and I barely spoke that day, which was fine by me. But it hit the fan the next day....when I got up in the morning to get myself ready and get my daughter ready, I discovered that he had the GALL to PARK HIS CAR DIRECTLY BEHIND MINE, blocking me into the driveway.
I had no way to get to the funeral in my own car. John ALWAYS drives to work, but for reasons I can only image were to get back at me, decided to take the metro, and took the baby carriage and bottles, and my pump with him.
My brother and I have our differences, in fact we haven't talked much since my mom and I were estranged (we started talking again after she was sick), but he'll forever be a saint to me for what he did.
I called him crying, and he and my sister in law arrived within 20 minutes. My SIL calmed me down and helped me get my daughter ready, and they brought along spare bottles, a carrier, and a breast pump. Thanks to them, I was able to go my mom's funeral in comfort, and my daughter was an angel during the service.
They calmed me down and everything went perfectly, and even though I was a mess most of the day, having my daughter with me, and my SIL and even my brother with me to lean on gave me peace on the inside.
I've made up my mind not to tolerate John's insane and controlling behavior anymore. He had a litany of excuses for doing what he did (he even tried to claim his car had problems) and I don't want to hear any of them.
I never wanted to be a single mom...I always wanted to raise my baby within a family. But I've decided that going it alone is so much better than doing it with this man, who thought nothing of trying to kick me while I was down.
My brother's arranged for me to talk to a friend of his that specializes in family law this week, and we're taking it from there. I still feel so guilty for what happened with my mom...I miss her so much. I hope from here on out I can make her proud of me, despite my mistakes.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
MadHatter06
Been together a year and a half, already have a baby, combined finances with her making more? He was turning the heat up under that particular pot. I’m glad she got well rid of him.
dragonfruitfly
Please make sure you get the finances squared away so he doesn't end up keeping your money that's in your joint account.
Time-Cover-8159
And again, I think OPs saving grace was he got too impatient and turned the heat up too quickly near the end. It's scary how I read these stories and think if they had just escalated a little bit slower, this person wouldn't have realised until it was too late.
Kahtoorrein
What a monster. I had a feeling when I read your first post that this would end in breakup, but I hadn't thought that he was so much of a villian as to deny a baby food (bottle feeding where breastfeeding is not appropriate) and shelter (carriage to keep her out of the sun and wind).
That is legitimately criminal and you could use it against him in your custody case, especially if your brother and your SIL are willing to testify that they had to bring you supplies.
inkypinkyblinkyclyde
When the courts are informed of his behavior, you are going to get everything you want.