Parents threaten to cut off son over decision to take fiancée's last name. + UPDATE
"My fiancé (M21) is taking my (F22) last name. His parents are threatening not to come to our wedding. How do we handle this?"
ThrowRAMyLastName
My fiancé (M21, Alex) and I (F22) have been together 6 years, getting married this year. I never cared much about my last name but after some recent family events realized I want to keep mine. Alex doesn’t mind, and chose to change his last name so we'd match.
Upon finding out, Alex's parents (Lisa and Luke) yelled at him. Lisa cussed him out, so my parents let him stay with us for the last week of winter break (we were home on break from college and live a few miles apart).
Lisa and Luke say Alex is destroying and disowning his family, publicly humiliating them, and say I'm stripping him of his manhood. They told us we're unbiblical, and that women should submit.
Alex has gotten plenty of texts from Lisa, calling him hateful, cruel, and cold, asking how he can let her suffer. The meetings Alex had with his parents went poorly - they told him they wanted to see him and not talk about the name, but then did.
One meeting involved both sets of parents - Lisa and Luke talked 90% of the time before getting up and leaving. They're mad Alex stayed with us and said even if we go with his name, they'd resent us and my family for supporting us.
Lisa threatened to cut Alex off, and says he won't get another penny (they had planned to contribute to our wedding, stating there were no strings attached, and they fund his college apartment).
Lisa said this is the worst thing to happen to her since losing her first baby. She's telling Alex that his grandparents will have to move to assisted living from heartbreak, and Luke keeps telling Alex his choice is hurting people. Their main reason seems to be that it is tradition and that they want the last name carried on (it's not an uncommon last name).
I also learned that Lisa borderline tried to talk Alex out of proposing. Alex asked me to marry him anyway, and Lisa called my mom in the midst of the engagement excitement to share her disapproval. They said that they get a say until Alex is married, and that's when they'll leave us be.
Lisa and Luke keep texting Alex and my parents, but I have never gotten anything. They openly dislike me now, badmouthing me whether I'm there or not. I've decided my relationship with Lisa and Luke is over. Alex is deciding how much more he can give. He's hasn't taken a harsh tone or spoken rudely to his parents, but is tired.
Now his parents say if Alex won't move back home, their financial support ends. They say the family won't come to the wedding, and one of his siblings actually has left the wedding party. Obviously I have decided to stay mostly away from Lisa and Luke now, but they are Alex's family. With the wedding still coming up, we're unsure how to move forward.
EDIT TO ADD: Lisa and Luke's financial support is not necessary, and the wedding will proceed with or without it. Just thought it relevant to point out that the money that was offered "no strings attached," clearly does have strings. We know we are young, and are still getting married, after spending six years together. Postponing the wedding isn't something we're willing to do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
pitathegreat
Family: you’re awful evil people and we’re not coming!
You: ok.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRAMyLastName
Easier said than done, but this may need to be the route we take.
potenttechnicality
It sounds like he has really good reasons for not wanting to be associated with that last name any longer. Yes, it's not a traditional thing and people will look at him funny for it. They can just get over themselves. If you're happy and he's happy that's all that matters.
5 months later, the OP returned with an update.
ThrowRAMyLastName
Alex and I got married last month, and everything was absolutely beautiful! After more months of emotional and verbal abuse, Alex made the difficult decision that his parents were no longer welcome at our wedding.
He explained that he couldn't trust them to respect his boundaries, respect us at all, or respect what the event was about. As expected, they freaked out, asking if he was "trapped and needed help," saying everything had become about me (OP), and telling him he'd been isolated from everyone he loves.
We're not sure what story they told Alex's extended family... Alex reached out to everyone to explain what had been going on, but every response he received was more disgust toward his name choice, refusal of wedding invitations, and saying he needed to apologize/"grovel" and fix the family.
Most of Lisa's family were the ones talking the most about how dishonorable he was being and how he was breaking apart the family (interesting seeing none of them share Lisa and Luke's last name, Luke's family does).
Luckily, only one invitation was returned with nasty notes inside, but the rest of the digital responses took Lisa and Luke's side, berated Alex for doing this near the anniversary of the death of Lisa's first child, and called him cruel and hateful.
(For context, Lisa's first child passed away a few days after birth, over 25 years ago. Alex says there has never been any remembrance that he knows of, and they do nothing on the anniversary (he doesn't even know the date of the anniversary).
Lisa and Luke explained what happened once when he was young, and never mentioned anything again. We're unsure why it's all coming back up now, after presenting as generally unimportant his whole life. Apparently, this drama being 4 months from the anniversary was disrespectful.)
His sister Alice also went off the rails. After "checking in" to see how Alex was doing, Alice got angry that he wanted to discuss things over text instead of on the phone. It became obvious that she wanted him on the phone to berate him, because she ranted about how he was "steamrolling" their parents, and wasn't really an adult because he wasn't married yet.
She said she had encouraged Lisa and Luke to cut him off long ago, and that I (OP) wasn't acting like family since I stopped letting her follow my Instagram account (this was after she'd dropped out as a bridesmaid and made it clear she didn't support our marriage.
I decided not everyone gets full access to my life). As his only sibling, it was devastating for Alex to watch Alice spiral into fully taking their parents side, after initially leading him to believe she had his back and being supportive.
After saying not to expect her and Alex's BIL at the wedding, there's been no further contact since Alice refuses to speak to him unless he'll talk on the phone. At this point, he won't do any phone calls as we'd rather have record of everything that goes down.
Many people tried to talk to Lisa and Luke (my own parents, mutual friends, etc) to encourage them to choose relationship, and explain the damage they were causing wasn't worth the loss they'd endure. It seemed to have no effect.
Alex was quick to become no longer financially dependent on his parents. We've changed his phone plan, reclaimed all his bills from Lisa and Luke, fully moved him out, and finished college.
We're not sure if they attended graduation - they texted Alex the day before to say they'd be there, but then turned off their location services. Graduation day was stressful and nerve-wracking, with Alex not knowing if they'd make a scene or corner him. He left as soon as he walked across the stage, and made it to his car with no interactions.
Since then, as most Redditors suggested, we've been nearly no contact with Lisa and Luke. We spent the first six weeks of summer finishing wedding details, and our day last month was gorgeous.
Alex received no communication between graduation and the wedding, and has no plans to continue their relationship without an apology. Lisa and Luke did not show up to the wedding, or say anything day of. The only recent change is Lisa unfollowing and unfriending both of us and my family on all social media.
For me, my in-law relationships are basically over, apology or not. Learning they'd never supported our engagement, ignoring my existence, and hating me because of my political and religious beliefs is enough for me not to keep contact.
Thank you for your kind help and good wishes. Our day was truly perfect and straight out of a fairytale, and we're looking forward to the next chapter of our lives, with hopefully less drama!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
matou98
Wow... just wow. How can a whole family implode over something as ridiculous as a last name change? Had I read the text without seeing it being about that, I'd thought the young man at least had hurt animals. Jeez.
ShadedSpaces
I know people like this exist. But it's still hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that real people behave this way. I cannot fathom having a family-shattering opinion about last names. It's just wild.
themysteryoflogic
Anyone else real curious what Alex's OG last name is? I know a couple guys who took their wife's name because theirs was either dumb (imagine something like "Butts" but mispronounced for...obvious reasons) or because no one could freaking spell or pronounce it. Their parents weren't thrilled either, but they GOT IT.
JonFromRhodeIsland
Going no contact with these people should have been a precondition to getting married. Glad it worked out anyway. But they need counseling. The husband was raised in this environment. It’s great that he’s renouncing all of it but when you grow up with these people you are going to need some rewiring.