MIL demands paternity test; wife delivers results with divorce papers. UPDATED
"Ending my 5 years marriage over a paternity test my MIL requested."
SituationFluid6098
I'll try my best not to make this a word wall. Idk where to start. This whole situation is embarrassing and I am just done with it. I've been with my husband for 5 years now. (married for three). Well long story short, his mom was always overwhelming and bold with her input on everything to put it nicely.
I genuinely think it's not fair to be mad at your partner for something he didn't do himself. He can't control what his mom does or says. But what's also not fair is him not addressing it when I am clearly uncomfortable or upset and instead just talking me into brushing it off or going with it.
I have never, nor would I ever, have a back and forth with my MIL. It's just not worth barking at each other. I always kinda brush it off if it's a snarky comment or if it's a "better way" to do something in her opinion. I'll just tell her thanks for the suggestion but we are fine.
It's actually true, the saying "When you marry someone, you marry their family." I think the way to handle it is each spouse should keep their side of the family in line, for lack of a better phrasing. I deal with my parents and their shenanigans and I expected him to do the same. He never did. He always asks me to give her some grace.
Well, it's hard when that person is insulting you. For a while now, she has been making comments about how my son doesn't look like my husband when he was a toddler. Basically accusing me of sleeping around. This, rightfully so, upset me. Sorry my genes are strong; what can I tell you? I was short with my husband because he didn't address how out of pocket and disrespectful this whole thing is.
It has been a week since my husband, -well, soon to be ex husband- told me that he would be doing a paternity DNA test. Not because he thinks that it's not his son, but to shut his mom up. Yes, exactly what you read. Idk which one is worse, him accusing me of cheating or this sh*t. But all I know is this is audacious.
I didn't cheat and I am not concerned one bit about the test results. I wasn't going to stop him from taking a DNA test or whatever but I just know I don't want to deal with this any longer. I am looking for an appointment and I talked to a lawyer the day after he brought this DNA test thing up. And I've been acting more then normal since.
We will be getting the results in two days. I can't wait. He will also be getting divorce papers with that, too. I know for fact he won't see it coming. I tried my best to make this whole thing work and manage my relationship with my MIL as gracefully as possible. But thinking about it, it's not just my MIL that's the problem. How he is handling things is also a problem.
And side note, I have never been more glad that I didn't leave my job when I got married. He makes more than enough to take care of the financial side of things. I thought I would get bored, I only have to be on site 2days per week also I really love my job and the company, so I didn't leave. Best decision I have ever made. He is unreliable to say the least.
I know that divorce can be hard on kids, but I experienced the other side. Living with two parents that hated each other and violently fought almost all the time is as hard maybe even harder. They thought that staying together would be good for me and my siblings. Newsflash, it wasn't. It was traumatizing to say the least.
I don't remember, I either read somewhere or maybe my therapist told me that "when you fight with your spouse you shouldn't see it as me vs you, but more like, me and you vs the particular situation or problem on hand and try to figure it out". But, it's really hard to do so when you start hating that person.
I don't want my son to live like that because I just can't stand my husband anymore. Idk if this is a weird way of saying it but I just don't respect him anymore. I just see an unreliable man and I know for a fact that our fights won't be the same as before.
I would've said what a waste of 5 years, but I have a sweet and smart gremlin now and having a child really pushes you to be better and to do better, so I can't complain.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:
kikivee612
My husband and I have a rule that he deals with his parents and I deal with mine. We also make sure that we are a united front in front of them. We can disagree privately but they know that they will get the same answer out of both of us so not to bother trying to play us against each other.
We also both stand up for each other every single time! All of our parents fully understand that we put each other first and them second. Everyone gets along, for the most part and I think this is why.
The OP responded here:
SituationFluid6098
I like this comment. This is exactly what a healthy relationship would look like, IMO. Hearing each other out, Being respectful to our parents yet putting our foot down when needed. Idk, he just seams like he can't or maybe don't want to put his foot down when it comes to his mother. Either way not my problem anymore.
the_bc_1234
I have never wanted an update more in my entire Reddit life.
The OP gave the people what they wanted, responding a week later with an update.
"Here to update you as a lot of people were interested."
SituationFluid6098
The day he was supposed to receive the results, I called my FIL and invited them to come over that evening. He was working when he got the results. He sent them to me and told me he would talk to his mother to finally put this to rest.
I informed him that I had already invited them for this evening and I am just waiting for my apology before I leave. I asked that he come home so we can talk before they come over.
He called, and I basically told him that this is not working for me anymore. I've already talked to an attorney, filed for divorce, and it might be more expensive than a paternity test, but it would be a more effective way of making his mother happy. (And no, I don't care that he was working when I told him. I don't think you would have either.)
He left work and came home. Long story short, we had a spectacular fight. He said that I am not thinking about my son and I am overreacting because it's not like he went behind my back. And if he knew that I was this upset, he wouldn't have done it. But he knew; we fought about it when he brought it up. He just didn't care.
When I gave him the divorce papers, he said he's not signing anything and he'll ask his mother to apologize when his parents arrive and get done with this. Listen, I don't need him to sign it to get a divorce. It would only make things complicated, that's it.
His mother said that, "She has nothing to apologize for. She wouldn't apologize for having suspicions. She didn't accuse me of anything and I can leave if I want to." So that's that. I did leave that night because I wasn't going to get an apology, and he didn't seem to understand that him reinforcing that it's okay for her to meddle is why I want a divorce in the first place.
He eventually told his parents he'll be coming over from time to time to check up on them (he is their only child) and not to bother coming over anymore until she apologizes. She wasn't amused.
She told me I am taking her son away and some "wh_re" would take my son, too. She is not someone that you can talk to, I'll tell you that much. It's like talking to a wall. All she knows is insulting or being passive-aggressive on a good day.
We're not getting a divorce. We talked the day after. He said I can always file for a divorce, but we should at least try couples counseling because he doesn't want to co-parent. He doesn't want to lose his son, plain and simple. Although it's not like if we were to get divorced he wouldn't be able to see his son, but whatever.
He did say, when we talked the second time, that he can see how he was wrong, especially knowing his mother. He also mentioned that he'll just shut her down if she meddles this time. But what can I do with just words? I hope he can learn a thing or two on how to deal with his mother in counseling because she is truly overwhelming.
If counseling would help him understand that a couple means two people, not three, and our marriage is a bit crowded right now, that's enough for me. People saying that I am overreacting in my last post made me ask myself, do I actually want a divorce or am I just mad? I wanted the divorce at the time; it seemed like the only solution. But if counseling would help us, I can try to work things out.
I hope this is a good decision. If not, I am not stuck. I'll take my son and leave. I have a friend who got divorced in 20 days (an uncontested divorce). When you are on the same page regarding how things would be divided, including custody, it's a matter of how long the court would take to review and finalize the divorce, and you'll be done.
That was my plan. Nonetheless, I am the one working from home, and my son is still so young. It's totally up to him. If he wants to see his son every day when he gets off work, or if he wants to see his son just a couple of times per week. Because I am not tolerating this anymore.
Oh, one last thing. People in my last post were debating if paternity tests should be mandatory or not. I thought that from what I wrote, it was clear I didn't cheat and I have nothing against the paternity test itself. It should be obvious to everyone that it's not fair for the child nor the man to be tricked into living a lie.
If he was the one who had suspicions, that's a big deal. We would've talked about why he thinks that, taken the paternity test for his peace of mind, and made sure we can trust each other then move on, all without anyone interfering let alone requesting the f*$#@ng paternity test.
Someone asked "Curious why they asked for the test and why you’re so against it? I don’t want to assume there was some troubles in the past but I feel like there’s a lot of lead up and information left out here." At this point, I've shared so much that these aren't too many details, I guess.
I am not religious. I also dated women at a certain time. She doesn't like that and thinks that me not being religious or not being straight means I have no values or something. She hates that her son married a non-religious person. He is a believer, but he's a non-practicing believer. Either way, his religion or my lack of belief doesn't cause us any problems in our day-to-day life. I hope this clarifies things for you.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
Interesting-Sky-1865
Thanks for the update. Your MIL is vile, beyond vile! I hope your husband gets the therapy he needs to be a better partner and husband! Keep that divorce card on deck though because it's hard to deal with narcs and their enmeshed sons.
CanibalCows
I think OPs husband should do a paternity test for himself and his Dad.
Duae
My money's on husband is hoping the marriage counselor will tell OP that she's overreacting and putting his mom above her is the right and proper thing to do, so he can go back to "not taking a side" and letting his mom walk all over his wife.
LeotiaBlood
People who don’t think it’s offensive to ask for a paternity test after three years are wild.
Smart_cannoli
You know, my husband is a only child, of a mother that made him her whole life. She resented me when we started dating, and I know that she still resents me for taking her son away. But my husband NEVER allowed to talk anything about me, or to me, or to meddle in our relationship.
I understand how toxic our parents can be, and how this affects our psych. But some people are just weak, or are just asshole themselves. It’s a choice to let people mistreat your family. It’s a choice he is making. He is an adult, he is a husband and a parent, he needs to step up. He would never allow anyone to mistreat me because he cherishes me, and I do the same…