Bride refuses to make exception to 'child-free' rule for own future stepson. AITA?

'AITA for refusing to have a fully child-free wedding?'

So I recently proposed to my long-term girlfriend, and we are planning for a wedding in summer next year, everything is still very early stages.

My fiance has expressed that she wants a child-free wedding, which I am all down for but I want to make one exception, my son (15M). I had him from a previous relationship and we have evenly split custody of him.

Until now my fiance has gotten along great with him, we've had days out as a family, she's gone to see his games (he plays ice hockey) and she's even taken him out on fun days just the two of them.

I brought up that I wanted to make an exception to the no kids rule for my son, she shot the idea down straight away and said that she didn't want anyone under 16 there as she doesn't want to feel like she or anyone else has to babysit on her special day.

I told her that no one would have to babysit him, he’s 15 and she knows he's well-behaved and a generally quiet kid. She then changed her reasoning and asked why i wanted my old family and life on the day I was supposed to making a commitment to her and our new family.

I told her while I will be making a commitment to her, my son will still very much be my son and my family.

She then equated it to wanting my ex at our wedding, which I do not and never asked. I told her that i don't care about the aesthetics of the wedding, and that she can pick everything else: the food, the aesthetic, the music, the dress — but all i want is my family at the wedding (my parents, my sisters and my son).

That is my only ultimatum when it comes to our wedding.

She started calling me controlling by giving an ultimatum and said I had initially agreed to a child-free wedding and now im “gaslighting” her.

I said we can have a mainly child-free wedding, but with this one exception, an expectation that guests can't even complain about being unfair since the only child is the son of the groom.

She called me a dick and is now not talking to me. I really think this is a reasonable want, but maybe im not seeing something, so AITA?

Here's how the top comments interpreted the situation.

YouthNAsia63

Wow wow wow. She doesn’t want your own child to come to your own wedding. And not a crying baby or a terrible two, but a fifteen year old, a kid that will be old enough to drive next year — when the wedding is???

If this goes on as she wants, do you think your kid won’t remember?

Yea, I’m sorry, bud, this is all kinds of evil stepmother red flags — the whole thing about you making a new commitment to her and her family, and equating having your son there to having your ex wife there!

Dude. Get out now while you just have to eat the non refundable deposits for the wedding. Save yourself and your kid a world of hurt. YWBTA if you marry this woman.

edit to add, you have never had a fight like this before, because up to this point, she has been putting on a show. But now she is comfortable enough in the relationship to show you who she really is.

Stunning-Cry-5165

Exactly. She will be the type to make him kick out his son once he turns 18. Or make him move back to his mother's when she gets pregnant. She is pushing him out already.

Ok-Status-9627

NTA. Even at child-free weddings, there are reasonable exceptions - and a child of the bride and/or groom are very reasonable exceptions.

Of course, if the child is of a very young age, it could be unfair on the guests if the kid gets free run to disrupt the wedding whilst older, better behaved children aren't invited on the basis of being distractions.

And given he's 15 now and the wedding is next summer, surely by then he will be only at most a few months shy of her cut off?

Since you say she's a long-term girlfriend, I presume that fiancée has known your child some time. And you've proposed, so I am also presuming she's not excluded him before. But now....

"She then changed her reasoning and asked why i wanted my old family and life on the day I was supposed to making a commitment to her and our new family"

Wow. So what, is she expecting the boy to no longer be a part of your life the moment you say 'I do'?

Because that revised reason for excluding him from the wedding screams that she's already mentally excluding him from your life.

But lets pretend she didn't suggest your son was simply part of your old life. Let me ask you a few questions here:

Exactly how old will your son be at the time of the wedding?

Who chose the wedding date? Was it a mutual decision, or picked by one of you then simply agreed by the other?

Why is the cut off 16, not 18? Is her 16yo cut-off allowing a teenage guest of her own to attend?

OP

he will still be 15 by the wedding, the date was mutually agreed upon, im not her so i dont know exactly why 16 was chosen — but we are from the UK, and 16 is when kids finish secondary school (the british equivalent to high school) so maybe its that. again idk

LolaLee723

It makes no difference. Do not marry her. To have to even ask if you are the AH means she’s already done a serious gaslighting on you.

The_cupcake_

NTA. READ CAREFULLY. It reminds me of an another post on Reddit. Same situation, the girl did not wanted her boyfriend to bring his daughter from his previous relationship to the wedding !

Guess what, after he said that it was not negotiable cuz his daughter will ALWAYS be his priority and family, she admitted that she was expecting that he will become some kind of “holidays dad.”

She was hoping that when they will get children together his daughter will be less present in his dad’s mind and life. The guy did not even think about it TWICE. He was disgusted (as he should) and dumped her.

Then he went with his daughter on holidays during the week the wedding should have occurred. Starting a new family does not mean that you should dump the previous one or make it less valuable. And just imagine the image that your son is going to have of YOU and HER.

Imaginary_labyrinth

Don't go through with this wedding. Your fiancée is being controlling, gaslighting you, and showing you exactly how she will behave if you are married. She doesn't want your son in the picture and will do everything she can to ruin what relationship you have with him.

She equates him being at your wedding to your ex being there? Your son = your ex to her, and you will end up wondering why you're in a miserable marriage and never see your son anymore. NTA. She's TA.

Reevadare1990

OP your fiancé just showed her hand. She considers your son part of your old life, and your old family. That lil slip up may very well mean she is only tolerating your son and will start trying to push him aside once you're married, not to mention favoring any children you have with her over him.

I would think VERY carefully about whether this is the woman you want to marry or not after her ultimatum.