Straight guy accuses gay roommate of sleeping with his date while he was pooping.
A young man posted a story on Reddit, asking the internet for earthly wisdom. Believing his roommate to have betrayed him, he lashed out like a jealous King Arthur. Only in this case... Lancelot is a lot like Lance Bass.
TIFU (Today I f*cked up) after leaving my date alone with my roommate.
I didn't come home alone last night. I had a girl with me. She was confident and cute, and to be honest, I didn't expect someone like her to be interested in spending the night at my place considering how socially awkward I was during our entire date.
My roommate was in the living room when we entered the apartment. I introduced the two of them before excusing myself to use the bathroom. I poop whenever I'm extremely nervous. I don't know why, but it's been like that since I was a kid.
For most people, the possibility of sex is usually a source of excitement. For an inexperienced, introverted and socially inept person like me, it's often a source of anxiety. Hence, the pooping. I decided to have a quick shower afterwards. Wash away whatever traces there were of my nervous reaction on the toilet.
I must have been in the bathroom for more or less 30 minutes. I knew it was weird to disappear like that and I was totally prepared to awkwardly explain my absence.
However, when I returned to the living room, I realized no explanation was necessary. My date was sound asleep in my roommate's arms while he was still wide awake. As soon as he saw me, he did the finger in front of the lips shush thing.
I had no idea what the two of them did in the short time I was gone, but I smelled weed and I noticed glow in the dark yoyo toys and hula hoops, which explained why the living room was darker than before.
My roommate suggested I smoke some weed to pass the time. I ended up smoking too much weed and eventually fell asleep on the couch. This morning when I woke up my roommate and my date were no longer in the living room. My first instinct was to check my roommate's room.
There they were, literally sleeping together. Most of their clothes were on the floor, except underwear. I tiptoed to my roommate's side of the bed and woke him the f*ck up. The two of us whispered back and forth like we were discussing highly classified information.
I accused him of f*cking my date behind my back whereas he denied that anything sexual happened and reminded me that he's gay as f*ck. Towards the end of our whisper war, I didn't know what to believe anymore. I was too upset to think clearly. By the time my date woke up, my roommate and I were in the kitchen, preparing breakfast in complete silence.
Long story short, my date backed up everything my roommate said. Nothing happened between them. Sleeping on the couch was uncomfortable and my roommate's bed was not. The end. I was outnumbered and desperate to defuse the tension, so I accepted whatever they said.
Call me paranoid, but I'm convinced they f*cked, which means even a gay guy has more success sleeping with girls than I do.
So, what do you think? Is OP right, and his 'gay as f*ck' roommate really did have sex with a random sleepy girl? Or did he just politely hang out her because he's chill and OP's nervous pooping was killing the vibe?
Reddit had a field day with this one. Enjoy!
champagne_pants writes:
I think the weird thing here was that you took a shower while your date was waiting on you? Did you tell her you were going to shower? I would have left.
2021sammysammy says:
Yeah like if my date suddenly went to have a shower without saying anything I'd think he was expecting sex right away no questions asked. I'd either leave or accept some weed from the nice roommate to pass this weird waiting time.
From curtyshoo:
So the moral of the story is: you either sh*t or you get off the pot.
Kelemenopy comments:
Yeah no offense to OP, we’re all learning, but you generally don’t want to leave a friend or date or anyone else alone in a new, unfamiliar location very long at all. It’s rather uncomfortable.
With that said, the roommate also went too far. It’s fine to be friendly, but cuddling with your roommate’s date? And then taking the date to your bed? On their first date??? Both of them need some remedial etiquette training because both of those moves are imbecilic.
WastingTimeIGuess shares:
Then when she woke up, he was asleep. Her TIFU reads like this:
'I went home with a cute but awkward guy thinking I was going to get some action, but he hopped into the bathroom and like 15 minutes later he’s taking a freaking shower. It had been a long night and I fell asleep for a few minutes, but when I woke up he was passed out from weed on the couch, and I couldn’t wake him up.
I waited for him to wake up for like an hour, but decided I would just have to wait until morning so I slept in his gay roommate’s bed. Will I ever get to do anything physical with this guy?'
Next time he brings a date home pull the uno reverse card and f*ck him.
To which OP NotTrueLove replied:
I will f*ck up that up too, no doubt in my mind.
KittikatB says:
You're lucky she didn't just leave while you were showering. I would have, that's totally unnecessary. As long as you wipe your ass (or waterblast it if you've got a bidet) and wash your hands, you're fine. Women understand that men shit, it's not a secret.
And OP again responded:
You're right. I f*cked up. I'm almost 20 years old and it's embarrassing that I still need stuff like this explained to me.