'AITA for telling my SAHM sister that her life is my biggest nightmare?'

'AITA for telling my sister that her life is my biggest nightmare?'

u/Icy_Program7697

I 27f have an older sister Kara 45f. We have a big age gap but are still quite close and she is basically like another parent for me, and we got much closer when our mom died when I was 14. Kara basically raised me and is very overprotective, but in the past I have asked her to give me some space.

I have always been career focused and dated casually and nothing long term. Most my friends are married and some with kids so we are all at different life stages. My one and only serious relationship beyond 2 months was with my ex fiancé Ted however we broke up last year.

I struggled to move on and only started recently casually dating, but I miss Ted so I can’t commit to anything. Kara helped me through the break up, but she wanted me to get back together with Ted as she really liked him and even suggested that I pass up the job for him.

Kara really wants me to settle down like she has and I just think we are too different in that. She is a SAHM to 3 kids and basically raising a fourth as her husband doesn’t lift a finger around the house and will kick up a fuss if the house is messy or there’s no food on the table.

I don’t like my BIL at all, and have encouraged Kara to discuss with him about getting him to help out around the house. Kara called me again last night to encourage me about starting to date again, and that she set up a blind date for me and honestly I feel that’s the only thing we’ve spoken about for the past few weeks.

She said she just wanted me to be happy like she is, but I then told her that her life is my biggest nightmare. She got upset and said I was being too harsh.

Here were the reactions in the comments.

Sad_Lotus0115

I mean, yeah, YTA for saying it like that. Your sister raised you while also dealing with your mother dying. That’s alot, OP your sister probably did a lot more for you then you will know.

To say her life is a nightmare is absolutely awful. It sounds like you want her to step back but it will take a while for her to do so when she feels responsible for you in your mother’s stead. She seems to know her husband is an issue. This could be her trying to convince herself its not that bad.

Why don’t you really talk about your concerns about BIL? Change the dynamic, if you want her to stop acting like a mom then start acting like a sister.

As for her being concerned about you being married, did you ever consider that she might be worried about what will happen to you if she were to die? How old was your mother when she passed? Is your sister a similar age now? Something to think about OP, this is more than just a convo.

Greylen

Gentle YTA - you could have said it better. I can understand the frustration of her pushing her idea of happiness on you. But you could have found a way to communicate that without sounding judgy of her life choices.

"I'm glad you are happy, but the things that make you happy aren't the same for me. I want different things and I hope you can understand that. If you want me to be happy like you are, help me figure out how to achieve the things I want rather than the things that you think I need."

charismatictictic

If Kara basically raised you from when she was 14, maybe she didn’t have the opportunity to focus on school/her career the same way you did? Maybe she didn’t have the chance to grieve the same way you did?

Maybe she found out that her nurturing side was a strength, and that she’s really cut out to devote her life to be a mom? So the life she lives now wasn’t her original dream, but that she feels fulfilled and valuable.

Having you say her life is a nightmare probably made her feel less valuable and that you weren’t grateful for the sacrifices she made, so you’re a little bit of TA for what you said. Maybe sit down and talk through what you want in life, and that it’s not necessarily the same thing that she likes, and that you need her to support you.

But also apologize for what you said. I get where you’re coming from, but it was mean.

TwinZylander214

YTA for saying it this way. You have every right to feel like that and want something else for you, but there are a thousand ways you could have told her without judging her choices. Her life wouldn’t make you happy but it’s the one she chose so denigrating it is very insulting and demeaning.

Sidneyreb

NAH. I understand your frustration with your sister's broken record conversation.

The two of you must have a long and uninterrupted conversation about your very different lives. You're being clear about what kind of life you want and she isn't hearing you. Maybe, she thinks if both of you had kids and marriage then you would maintain your closeness. Maybe your sister is afraid of you outgrowing her.

It's worth the effort to give each other a chance to adjust the dynamics of your sister-sister relationship.

Cassowary32

ESH. Your sister needs to stop pestering you and you might have worded that more tactfully. I hope for her sake she has all her ducks in a row in case the worst happens with her husband.

Admirable_Aide5558

You got tired of being badgered about dating and getting married. I sympathize. Sincerely and profusely apologize to her. She has been an important person in your life. Let her know gently that you are not interested in blah, blah, blah.

Change the subject each time. You have a right to set firm but respectful boundaries. NTA. Everyone makes mistakes, and an a$$hole judgement seems too harsh here.

Old_Satisfaction2319

NTA. I get that you could have worded it better, and that your sister has been very kind to you and you should have that into account while dealing with her. But it seems that this is not the first time she has been pestering you about this issue and trying to impose her views of happiness into you.

She even set a blind date for you without your approval, and despite the fact you have already told her you don't want to date for the time being. She is overstepping big time and I think you were justified in your answer.

If she wasn't overstepping, you wouldn't have told her that. Your sister needs to back off and it is okay if she also raised you; I would have said the same if she was your mother.