'Me with my fiancé of 12 years, waiting for a package from the girl he cheated on me with.' + UPDATE
"Me with my fiancé of 12 years, waiting for a package from the girl he cheated on me with."
Driedgarlic
Well, the title says it all. My Fiancé (Oliver) and I have been together for 12 years, stuck together through thick and thin (Long distance relationship, the usual problems of a couple starting off very young, etc.). In the last years, he has been struggling a lot with depression/anxiety, but he is slowly getting better.
At some point of our long distance relationship we were living in two separate countries, and during his stay he became very good friends with two other people (Ben and Sarah). The three of them bonded through shared experiences, same mental health issues, etc.
At some point, he came back, we started living together, eventually became engaged (we decided on a long engagement 2+ years, since we were both settled on long academical paths).
Our relationship, that had at some points been turbulent, settled very well as we both acquired maturity and got to really know each other during our daily lives, things were peachy. Three years ago, Sarah moved closer to where we lived, for a two-year stay.
We were all good friends, everything good, etc. Long story short, my fiancé cheated on me with her, short before she left the country, emotional affair included. Found it by snooping (bad on me).
I was devastated. I cut contact with her immediately, demanded him to do the same, and almost broke up with him. We were separated two months. It was rough because at that time I had no access to therapy or counseling, and I was really far away from home, but my friends were kickass and supported me emotionally all that time.
After these two months and a lot of soul-searching, we took the first tentative steps to be together again. It took me a long time to forgive him and to recover my trust on him, but little by little we healed and we made it work again. This was two years ago, and things are really good.
Ben did not take the news of their separation too kindly, and he has been passive-agressive to Oliver about him not talking to Sarah. Oliver has reacted well, and has been adamant about not contacting him again.
Two weeks ago, Ben told Fiancé that he had given our new address to Sarah, because she wanted to send us "a package with stuff belonging to Oliver". He says that she has nothing of him, and I believe it (they have never lived together, most of their friendship they have been living in different places).
He has been really anxious about all this matter, he does not want any contact with her. I personally do not care about her, but he is dreading the day the package arrives. If it comes when I am in the house, I just will throw it away, but I do not want him to receive it and get an anxiety attack.
So, what is your advice? I know I do not "have" to protect my fiancé from this stuff, but he is hurting and I do want to support him. I do not think it is compromising material (because I already found the compromising material, welp). I think it is a passive-aggressive way of reminding us of her existence. And what shall we do with his "friend" Ben?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initia post:
LazyTits127
Maybe open the package together and laugh at how ridiculous she is. Or maybe throw it away together and still laugh at them. Also ignore "Ben" and let him know what he's doing is very inappropriate and you hope he finds a good life and don't talk to him anymore.
I think he mystery package contains photos of them, anything he gave her as a gift or she did, could be a stuffed animal, it could be a used condom. Who knows. But I know I'll be pretty darn curious, the problem would be opening the package and it opens a new can of worms for your relationship.
He could be hiding something and that's why he's nervous or he never hid anything and he's nervous about what it could be. (Edit: it could be the same compromising things you found years ago but she doesn't know that's whAt you found).
StarlitEscapades
I think the best bet here, is that he is hiding something. Something that could devastate OP's relationship with her fiancé, perhaps proof of a child that he may have fathered.
HologramHolly
Also ignore "Ben" and let him know what he's doing is very inappropriate and you hope he finds a good life and don't talk to him anymore.
One full year later, the OP returned with an update.
Driedgarlic
So: I know this is ancient history, but we got an update, and I have several private messages asking me for an update if I something happened. So yes, we got the package. Last week. And it did not disappoint.
After reading the advice here, I sat down with him, we decided we did not want the thing, so he wrote a message to Ben saying "tell Sarah we do not want anything from her", and them he blocked him. This all happened last year.
Meanwhile, life went on. He changed jobs (he is still in academy) and now he is way more happy and relaxed. My job is well paid and interesting, and I can keep some other projects on the side.
We got married this summer, and our wedding was perfect for us: lively, bombastic, lots of food and alcohol, and our friends and family together. It was expensive but we did not give a damn. This month, my husband is in a conference trip in another continent, so I am home alone.
When I arrived home in the evening, there was a package adressed to him in the mailbox, with a stamp from a place where I know she lived, and a sender we don't know. I thought for a moment "oh my, this may be her", but then I thought that it would be pretty crazy of her to send it now.
That night, I was skyping with my husband, and made a comment about the parcel. I mentioned the name of the sender, and he did not know the name. So I proposed that I opened it with him on camera.
Aaaaand well, turns out I was right on the money. It contained several postcards, wishing him happy birthdays and merry christmasses, all unsigned. Also little notes such as "dance in the rain", "look at the clouds", "walk barefoot", that kind of platitudes.
And it had a book, a young adult romance book. I remember saying aloud "oh, for fucks sake" when I saw it. Meanwhile, my husband had a face like he had seen a cockroach in his sandwich.
(The title of the novel is Stargirl. It is about a girl who arrives to a high school and she is very quirky and magical and she dances in the rain and plays the ukelele and she is Very Misunderstood by the normies.
The narrator dates her, but realizes that he cannot be with her because deep down is afraid of not fitting in, so he dumps her and then regrets it forever. It is not a super bad book, I liked the prose, but, despite the intentions of the author, the heroine is too much of a Special Snowflake, and her behavior often delves into creepy territory.)
The book itself had a sad face in the dedication page and a small note saying "read the sequel. you will understand". It was crammed with notes in small script, and sometimes the letters had been traced several times over.
All of the notes were very idealized descriptions of the heroin, about how magical and beautiful she was, about the things she did, etc. Some of the notes were also about the main character agonizing about staying with her or leaving her to "fit in", or descriptions about how they made out (yuck). There were also drawings of the heroine, who looked like an idealized version of Sarah.
I am not gonna lie, I laughed at this Manic Pixie Dream Wannabe. My husband was less amused and more creeped out. He said that she was psycho and that he did not want that stuff at home.
I kinda forgot about the book for the following days, because last week was my Week from Hell and I had to work 70 hours (I normally work thirty), because, apart from my job, I took a two-week project working in-house for a company, and I organized an art exhibition in the weekend.
Also, I got pretty bad health news from a close friend (think "incurable" and "degenerative"), so the topic of Sarah was out of my mind. Yesterday I finally had time to think about it, and I got angry at that AH (they have not met in three years! who does this dweeb think she is? Etc etc).
I considered unblocking her briefly to tell her to stay away from us, but discarded the idea. Then I considered finding out her address and sending her a copy of Holes, by Louis Sachar, and 20 minimalist Pepes printed between the pages, with a note."
This is a riddle. If you solve it, I will leave my wife for you. Love, Fiancé". Then I realized I would rather ignore her, so I threw the notes in the recycling bin and I put the book in a Freebox so somebody can take it home.
That is all. No threats, no pictures, no positive pregnancy tests. It was anticlimactic but honestly it was a welcome distraction in a heavy week. I don't like that she has our current address, but I do not think she will be sending more stuff. If she does, we will tell her to pee up a rope. The funny thing is that I don't hate her, she is an AH but this is just too sad to hate. To mock her is ok, but not to hate her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
CaptDeliciousPants
This whole thing is a cringe overdose. I guess OP won and her prize is a cheating husband?
Gwynasyn
It's how bubbly, peppy and upbeat she sounds through everything for me. She's describing a scenario where her now husband cheated on her and the AP was trying to contact him and stir up drama, and she begins her storytelling with... And I quote: "First post ever, wooo!"
CaptDeliciousPants
The husband seems to have a cringe fetish.
why-per
Why does she not seem to be blaming the actual cheater in the situation at all??? He’s not a victim like OP seems to believe.
Suelswalker
Why do I get the feeling it’s actually from Ben? Or at least some of it is from Ben. He sounds emotionally stuck as a teen and has a magical sense of their trio. Also sounded like he took the NC between his two friends worse than either of the two friends who were no contact. I could be wrong but that’s the vibe I got from it.