Wife with scoliosis traumatized by husband's retaliation when he does household chores.
"AITA for telling my husband he needs to stop putting me down every time he does something around the house?"
hervisa
I love my husband. We've been together for 9 years.
But he has this habit of making me feel useless every time he does something around the house.
Example: when I clean and find his empty coffee mugs around the house, or his dirty socks on the floor, I just take them and say nothing, continuing my cleaning chore. Meanwhile, when he does that, it turns into an hour long discussion about how am I such a bad wife and how I am failing to do this "female job".
Now, I want admit I can be a little messy, especially when I have a lot on my plate. This year I've been dealing with my scoliosis, and the treatment has left me exhausted (to the point where I would faint or throw up), and he has helped a lot.
But then he goes around telling everyone how he does everything around the house and I do basically nothing (which is not true, he cooks, I take care of the laundry and folding, and we contracted help once a week to maintain the bathroom hygiene).
Apart from that, I am also in a critical point in my career: they are giving me extra responsibility which will later turn into more money, but I have to go through this period successfully, doing my best.
I also want to add that his attitude lasts for about 30-60 minutes, then he transforms into this loving husband that hugs me, and makes sure I am warm and well fed. In these moments I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to experience such a loving partner.
But somehow this isn't lowering the anxiety or stress on my body. My body still hurts and I am still numb. And then the cycle starts again in a few days. He works at home, I go to the office.
When I come back, he has already done some of the stuff around the house, making me feel bad about it. I can try to wake up early and do the chores, but he doesn't want me to, because he can't stand the noise when he works (he starts work at 5 am).
When I try to tell him that the way he is speaking about me, makes me feel so stressed and so numb he mutters "you and your philosophy " or "oh don't start again, you can't handle criticism".
Also if I am in the middle of doing chores and he wants intimacy, or if I am tired and I have to pick between chores and intimacy, he always wants intimacy. But then I'll get his attitude the day after for not doing the chore.
Now, I don't want this to come out wrong, he does help me, and I am grateful, but I feel numb, and so stressed, to the point that if I open the door of my house and I notice that he has wiped the floors, my heart starts racing, my limbs start hurting and start to dissociate because I know he will start telling me that "that was my job, as the female of the house."
I also want to add that I have already told him that maybe it would be better for us to divorce, but he doesn't want to, he shouts: "that's all you think about. Do you have another man?" AITA? Do you have any advice except for couples therapy, because he would never do that?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
zeeelfprince
Your husband can't just say NO when you say you want a divorce, and that's EXACTLY what you should do here.
"I walk up to the house, open the door, and I'll see that he's mopped the floor, or done some other chore, and my heart will start to race."
"I'm numb all the time"
"If I have to chose between intimacy with my husband, and doing chores, he demands that I pick intimacy, but will berate me tomorrow for not getting the chores done"
Your husband is emotionally abusive, manipulative, and then love bombing you after.
"I feel like the luckiest person alive to have such a caring partner when he acts like that."
"But the cycle repeats every few days."
You are NTA, but like I said. Divorce.
Radiant-Ability-3216
Thank you so much for concisely stating what I was thinking as I read the OP. I experienced OPs life for 13 years and do not wish it on anyone. NTA, OP. And get out now.
This does not get better with time, it does not get better no matter how hard you try, it does not get better with therapy (people like your husband know how to manipulate that too). It never gets better until you leave. And even then it takes a long time to unbreak your mind.
SpaghettiSpecialist
NTA. Your husband is emotionally abusive and you want to divorce him because of it. Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. Get therapy for yourself too!
dwtydwi
NTA. Living with a loving partner shouldn’t make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, nearing panic when you come home. They also shouldn’t dismiss your concerns and then love bomb you once they’ve got you at the lowest point.
I’d stop and reevaluate other places in your relationship where he makes you feel very low only to love bomb you later. Ps- you don’t need anyone’s permission to divorce. You’re allowed to pick your happiness.
LukeHeart
NTA your husband is emotionally abusive and manipulative. If anything your the AH to yourself for staying with him.
Flagon_Dragon_
Your husband is emotionally abusing you. Your instincts are correct; you are not safe in that home. You need to make an exit plan with a trusted friend or family member and get out. The way he is treating you is violent and these types of violence tend to escalate. Don't wait for it to do so.
chingness
Nope. Nothing is your job due to your being female unless that job can only be done using your female anatomy - he’s sexist and abusive You’re not a sex doll who can be used at his whim either. It doesn’t seem like a relationship I would want to be in - perhaps cut your losses as it doesn’t seem like you have kids and they would only further trap you.
DamnitGravity
His 'loving and kind' behaviour is not out of a sense of care for you, it's love bombing. It's base manipulation deliberately intended to keep you compliant and complacent. To fool you into thinking he cares for you, so that you will stay and continue to be his servant.
It is all entirely self-serving. It has nothing to do with loving you. If he loved you, he would want you to be happy, and feel safe and secure in your own home. The fact he won't consider therapy is yet more proof that he does not want anyone to come along and upset the status quo. He doesn't want anyone to come in and show you just exactly how he's abusing you.
And this is abuse. DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He denies what he does to you under the guise of 'you can't accept criticism'. He attacks you when you fail to do as he demands. When you try to defend yourself, he reverses the conversation to make himself the victim because you are the offender who is failing to do her 'female job'.
If he won't go to therapy, then go alone. Maybe a professional can help you understand how and why all that he is doing is not ok and you will be able to finally find the courage and strength to leave him. NTA.