'AITA for telling my husband his job as a SAHD is only easy because I help out?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband his job as a stay at home dad is only easy because I help out?"
I tried to post it on other subreddits but they keep removing it because my account is new. I am writing this from the guest bedroom because my husband and I had a fight. So, the thing is my husband is a stay at home dad.
3 years ago he wanted to quit his job and take care of the house and children (6f and 2m). I work a decent job and earn most of the money. My husband takes pride in being a SAHD. He always brags about how it is the easiest job in this world and women are just complaining for no reason.
But the truth is I help him with the chores as much as I can. In the morning I wake up and fix the breakfast for them, my husband gets our daughter ready for school. I also do meal preps for lunch. All he has to do is assemble them and cook it. I pack my and my daughter's lunch.
When I am at work, he does the cleaning and spends time with our son or just does his thing. Later when I come home, I cook the dinner and give my son a bath, help my daughter with her school work or I play with them for sometime until bed time.
Besides that, whenever we do laundry I fold the clothes that he washes and put them away. And during deep cleaning of our house we split the tasks 50-50. I also handle all the doctors appointment. This system works really well but I hate that he thinks my contribution is not enough. That he does all the chores and I do not even lift a finger.
Moreover, he has a blog and tiktok where he films his days. He also makes posts about how easy it is to be a SAHD and women just complain and are full of it. It is the easiest job in this world. I am glad he likes it but I hate that he thinks he is superior to everyone and invalidating their experience.
I grew up in a house where my dad didn't even lift a finger and my mom did literally everything around the house. He was the 'fun' dad doing bare minimum. So, I do not want that to happen to my husband.
Also it is my house, too. I believe if both people do chores, the stress becomes less. On top of that, I know many of my friends struggle with doing chores as SAHMs. I also know women who work and still do majority of the chores. And his comments make me irritated.
SO, yesterday my friend Ashley came to visit. She is a mother of two. Her son probably has ADHD and very much active, she has trouble handling her son and gets no help from her husband. Her son breaks a cup in our house.
Ashley was saying sorry. My husband cleaned it up and she was complaining how exhausted she is.
My husband scoffed and told her 'You must be doing the parent thing wrong because I am a stay at home parent too but I never had problem. My wife barely does anything around the house and it is so easy. Maybe I should give you a lesson or two.'
I can see Ashley was upset. I understand why. Later that day I told him what he said to Ashley was very rude. My husband acted as if he said nothing wrong and was honest. I pointed that he doesn't do all the chores. I help him with at least 40%. That's why he thinks it is easy.
He again argued that those chores are not significant compared to what he does. I told him he is being mean to everyone. We got lucky that our kids are easy and not active. Most of the kids are hard to handle. He again scoffed and said how hard can it be.
We argued about this and he told me I am being ungrateful because no man would ever sacrifice like he did. I am upset and gave him some space. Was I wrong to point it out?
EDIT: Just want to point out, I have no issues with him being a SAHD. I just don't like his attitude towards it and the way he thinks it is the easiest job in this world because to me and most of the people it is still a job that has no vacation days.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
silver25u
NTA. He sounds exhausting and unaware of how self-centered he is. Parenting isn’t a competition between him and you. It’s a team sport where you both have to participate. Sounds like you are doing more in context (in the home and outside the home).
Love seeing a SAHD but he needs a swift kick in the @ss for being full of himself, not valuing your contributions and his misogynistic comments.
Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD. NTA.
lschmeiser
'Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD.' Yup. See how long he lasts when you stop doing all the stuff he's deemed 'insignificant.' If it truly is, then he can't complain about a tiny, little increase in workload and you get that time/labor back for you.
niklpikl44
Why are you okay with him putting down your contributions and devaluing you? Especially in front of your children? His attitude is a problem and your children are being exposed to this daily.
YWBTA to yourself if you allow this to continue. Stop enabling him to put others down and stand up for yourself. Stop doing his job for him and let him step up, or as he is apparently telling others “doing everything around the house”.
If he wants a chance to prove to everyone that being a SAHD is so easy then you should support him and give him that chance by letting him do what he claims to already have to do - which is everything.
Planochubbyboy
It might be time for a week long 'business' trip. Let him cope 24/7 and see if it's really so easy.
ResurrectionScary
Wow.. your husband is an entitled spoiled princess. You do ALL the money earning and 40% of the actual household labor as well?
Stop helping him. If he thinks it's such a sacrifice tell him to get his ass back in the job market and you'll be a stay at home mom and you expect him to contribute doing EXACTLY what you do now. OR since he thinks your contribution is so minor... stop doing it.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
Ok, I took everyone's advice and stopped working my part of the chores. I did tell him beforehand since he thinks my contribution to the housework is nothing then I will stop doing everything altogether. I told him since he thinks being a SAHD is easy then he should have the full experience of it.
My friend's husband doesn't even lift a finger around the house. So I wouldn't too. He was obviously upset. He wanted to argue I cannot do this to him. He even tried to pull the incompetence card. I told him I am not going to do my portion of the job at home.
I also gave the typical excuse 'I work all day at my office so that we can survive on one income, it is selfish for him to expect me to do housework.' That's what I did. I didn't do any housework. I didn't wake up in the morning and made breakfast. My husband had to do it. It wasn't hard for him. But I can see he was moody.
I asked him to prepare my lunch because that is also my job. He refused at first but then I told him he said he will do all the household chores too. That includes my lunch as well. He only packed me a peanut butter jelly sandwich.
I didn't do meal prep for lunch. It was his to figure out. At night when I came home, I didn't make dinner. I asked him to do it. He was shocked but did it anyway. I didn't gave my son a bath. He is fussy which p*ssed my husband off.
I only helped my daughter with her home work. I didn't help him with the laundry. The first few days he didn't say a word. But after a week, it was showing that he is getting exhausted. He was getting more and more angry at small stuff and usually cleaning would cool him off. But whenever he sees a mess he throws a tantrum.
On the weekends, I went to my mother's house to relax. That weekend, we were supposed to clean our bathrooms. He did that all by himself. As the days progressed I can see him becoming really angry at me. Even I admit, it has affected our intimacy a lot.
At last, after 2 weeks, he told me (basically yelled) that I proved my point. Things are back to normal. But I can see he is very distant with me. Last night I asked him to talk to me. He said he knew what game I was playing but he did not appreciate me treating him like garbage and not considering his feelings.
I told him it was his words that being a SAHD is easy. I just gave him the full experience of it. He kept denying and saying that I should have been more supportive. All these week he felt like nobody and felt so deeply under appreciated. He felt invisible.
He started to hate me for not giving a care and dumping everything on him. He is still not talking to me. We have booked a couple's therapy session next week. Let's see if our relationship sustains or not.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
CheddarBakedPotato
I think it goes without saying but NTA. Not gonna lie, he sounds pretty toxic. Even when he has his come to Jesus moment, he's not actually recognizing that what he's feeling is exactly the thing he was demeaning others for. He thought it was easy, learned it's not, and instead of recognizing it he pushes everything off on you. I really hope your counseling works OP, because he really needs it.
vancitymala
I was (naively) hoping to read that after a week or two he came to her, apologized, apologized to her friend for how awful he’d been, made his little tiktoks about it, realized that being a SAHD is only easy because SHE makes it easy. But, here we are
If anything you’d think he’d realize what being a single parent was like and recognize he would have to do all that PLUS get a job but clearly that didn’t even sink in. I’m sure in his world there is a big engraved monument that simply reads “it’s still all her fault and I am perfect” and his little ego can’t handle the truth.
Popular-Block-5790
This guy learned nothing. He still thinks he's right.
Shelly_895
You're telling me that a SAHP that does everything around the house while the other parent does nothing but work feels exhausted and unappreciated? WHAAT? How could he have possibly known that? Except for the barrage of women who told him they felt this way for years. But that doesn’t count. After all, being a SAHP is easy, right? They were just being dramatic.
2006bruin
I would like an update on this one.
Two months later, the OP returned with another update.
This will probably be my last and final update. I wanted to let your guys know, we are not getting a divorce like some of you hoped and cursed me out in my PMs. Like seriously who wishes to a stranger that their husbands should cheat on them?
We did go to counseling. And yes I sincerely apologized for my childish behavior because of a reddit post I made. We discovered a lot of things about us and our relationships at the counselling sessions.
Firstly, I apologized to him and explain why I did that. I wanted him to feel like it is not easy if you do not have help. I also mentioned my mother's experience in being the caretaker of the family and doing it all alone is exhausting.
Which I think now is stupid way to get my point across. But I was hurt and very annoyed that he thinks women just complain about housework when most of them I am sure doesn't have help from their spouses.
He expressed that he gets it. And those few weeks when I didn't help him really took a toll on him. He doesn't get tired easily but since he was doing all of it, it was tiring him. I acknowledge that.
After a lot of talking and communicating we came to the root cause. He said that sometimes he feels insecure about himself. Like he is not doing enough for us. All of his guy friends have jobs, they provide for their family. His friend bragged about taking his wife to vacation in Greece.
He felt small compared to that because he only made us dinner and gave me a massage, on the other hand I gifted him a very expensive watch. He felt like he was supposed to be the provider of this family but he feels really small because I am out here doing good in my career and he feels stuck.
It was one of those moments that made me cry. I liked it when he made dinner for me and gave me a massage. He is a good cook. I asked him if he wants to go back in the workplace, if that is the case he will have my full support.
I know then things will change a lot. We both have to make compromises but it will be worth it because I love him and he is the best husband anyone could ask for. He says he doesn't want to handle the pressure of workplace.
Last time he crashed and decided to quit. He likes being a stay at home dad but also wants to earn. So, he is looking for a part time job while doing what we used to do. I encouraged him to look into freelancing and remote work.
He did find one but it is low pay so the search for a decent job is still in the hunt. And he did apologize to my friend Ashley, he realized not everyone has it easy. I mean we hit the jackpot with the kids because they are pretty quiet. People have different struggles. I know he is sincere because he deleted his blog posts about being a SAHD being easy.
Also, unrelated, Ashley is getting a divorce. Good for her I guess. We are fine, our children are fine, we still have one more session of therapy left. Our intimate lives are better, we found a way to better communicate with each other rather than being petty. I was scared that our marriage will collapse but I am glad we stood strong.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your takeaway was that you were being childish?! You’re disappointed in striking?! How Stephen Amell of you. Your husband was misogynistic, lacked empathy, seemed to enjoy being cruel to your friend (misery loves company), and was a vindictive child to you.
While I’m relieved your husband can identify and communicate his insecurities, I do not believe he realizes his cruelty. You’re rug sweeping it because the man you love is in pain. Be careful. His vitriol will come out again if he ever feels vulnerable.
If he goes back to work outside the home, then the children will likely spend less time around him. Probably lessen their chances of becoming like him. I suppose that makes this a positive update.
Yeah, it's... Sad. He was being just vile to her and the immense contribution she gives to their entire family and life. And he spewed that hatred at someone that was supposed to be their friend.
The strike was exactly what was needed to show him that he had it easy. He had a supportive wife that not only worked full time but took on way more chorus than I honestly think she should have.
And the moment he actually had to do what countless women across the entire planet do every single day (and many men too), he absolutely crumbled completely in such a small time frame. This, compiled with his history of quitting jobs, makes me think he has a lazy streak. He doesn't want to actually earn anything, he wants to be able to brag about it.
But he has such a wonderful strong wife, who's a loving mother and an incredibly amazing provider, But all he can focus on is BS toxic masculinity. OP should be what he brags about every single day. Instead he decides to tear her down. Just sad.
"My wife barely does anything around the house."
What a d-bag. And when she shows him he's wrong he gets all sassy. I'm not sure what she has to apologize for. She warned him ahead of time and he brought it on himself. You say I barely do anything around the house - we're going to test that proposition.