'AITA for telling my husband his job as a SAHD is only easy because I help out?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my husband his job as a stay at home dad is only easy because I help out?"
Gold_Independent_30
I tried to post it on other subreddits but they keep removing it because my account is new. I am writing this from the guest bedroom because my husband and I had a fight. So, the thing is my husband is a stay at home dad.
3 years ago he wanted to quit his job and take care of the house and children (6f and 2m). I work a decent job and earn most of the money. My husband takes pride in being a SAHD. He always brags about how it is the easiest job in this world and women are just complaining for no reason.
But the truth is I help him with the chores as much as I can. In the morning I wake up and fix the breakfast for them, my husband gets our daughter ready for school. I also do meal preps for lunch. All he has to do is assemble them and cook it. I pack my and my daughter's lunch.
When I am at work, he does the cleaning and spends time with our son or just does his thing. Later when I come home, I cook the dinner and give my son a bath, help my daughter with her school work or I play with them for sometime until bed time.
Besides that, whenever we do laundry I fold the clothes that he washes and put them away. And during deep cleaning of our house we split the tasks 50-50. I also handle all the doctors appointment. This system works really well but I hate that he thinks my contribution is not enough. That he does all the chores and I do not even lift a finger.
Moreover, he has a blog and tiktok where he films his days. He also makes posts about how easy it is to be a SAHD and women just complain and are full of it. It is the easiest job in this world. I am glad he likes it but I hate that he thinks he is superior to everyone and invalidating their experience.
I grew up in a house where my dad didn't even lift a finger and my mom did literally everything around the house. He was the 'fun' dad doing bare minimum. So, I do not want that to happen to my husband.
Also it is my house, too. I believe if both people do chores, the stress becomes less. On top of that, I know many of my friends struggle with doing chores as SAHMs. I also know women who work and still do majority of the chores. And his comments make me irritated.
SO, yesterday my friend Ashley came to visit. She is a mother of two. Her son probably has ADHD and very much active, she has trouble handling her son and gets no help from her husband. Her son breaks a cup in our house.
Ashley was saying sorry. My husband cleaned it up and she was complaining how exhausted she is.
My husband scoffed and told her 'You must be doing the parent thing wrong because I am a stay at home parent too but I never had problem. My wife barely does anything around the house and it is so easy. Maybe I should give you a lesson or two.'
I can see Ashley was upset. I understand why. Later that day I told him what he said to Ashley was very rude. My husband acted as if he said nothing wrong and was honest. I pointed that he doesn't do all the chores. I help him with at least 40%. That's why he thinks it is easy.
He again argued that those chores are not significant compared to what he does. I told him he is being mean to everyone. We got lucky that our kids are easy and not active. Most of the kids are hard to handle. He again scoffed and said how hard can it be.
We argued about this and he told me I am being ungrateful because no man would ever sacrifice like he did. I am upset and gave him some space. Was I wrong to point it out?
EDIT: Just want to point out, I have no issues with him being a SAHD. I just don't like his attitude towards it and the way he thinks it is the easiest job in this world because to me and most of the people it is still a job that has no vacation days.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:
silver25u
NTA. He sounds exhausting and unaware of how self-centered he is. Parenting isn’t a competition between him and you. It’s a team sport where you both have to participate. Sounds like you are doing more in context (in the home and outside the home).
Love seeing a SAHD but he needs a swift kick in the @ss for being full of himself, not valuing your contributions and his misogynistic comments.
Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD. NTA.
lschmeiser
'Stop doing what you’re doing and let him truly be a SAHD.' Yup. See how long he lasts when you stop doing all the stuff he's deemed 'insignificant.' If it truly is, then he can't complain about a tiny, little increase in workload and you get that time/labor back for you.
niklpikl44
Why are you okay with him putting down your contributions and devaluing you? Especially in front of your children? His attitude is a problem and your children are being exposed to this daily.
YWBTA to yourself if you allow this to continue. Stop enabling him to put others down and stand up for yourself. Stop doing his job for him and let him step up, or as he is apparently telling others “doing everything around the house”.
If he wants a chance to prove to everyone that being a SAHD is so easy then you should support him and give him that chance by letting him do what he claims to already have to do - which is everything.
Planochubbyboy
It might be time for a week long 'business' trip. Let him cope 24/7 and see if it's really so easy.
ResurrectionScary
Wow.. your husband is an entitled spoiled princess. You do ALL the money earning and 40% of the actual household labor as well?
Stop helping him. If he thinks it's such a sacrifice tell him to get his ass back in the job market and you'll be a stay at home mom and you expect him to contribute doing EXACTLY what you do now. OR since he thinks your contribution is so minor... stop doing it.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE- AITA for telling my husband his job as a stay at home dad is only easy because I help out?"
Gold_Independent_30
Ok, I took everyone's advice and stopped working my part of the chores. I did tell him beforehand since he thinks my contribution to the housework is nothing then I will stop doing everything altogether. I told him since he thinks being a SAHD is easy then he should have the full experience of it.
My friend's husband doesn't even lift a finger around the house. So I wouldn't too. He was obviously upset. He wanted to argue I cannot do this to him. He even tried to pull the incompetence card. I told him I am not going to do my portion of the job at home.
I also gave the typical excuse 'I work all day at my office so that we can survive on one income, it is selfish for him to expect me to do housework.' That's what I did. I didn't do any housework. I didn't wake up in the morning and made breakfast. My husband had to do it. It wasn't hard for him. But I can see he was moody.
I asked him to prepare my lunch because that is also my job. He refused at first but then I told him he said he will do all the household chores too. That includes my lunch as well. He only packed me a peanut butter jelly sandwich.
I didn't do meal prep for lunch. It was his to figure out. At night when I came home, I didn't make dinner. I asked him to do it. He was shocked but did it anyway. I didn't gave my son a bath. He is fussy which p*ssed my husband off.
I only helped my daughter with her home work. I didn't help him with the laundry. The first few days he didn't say a word. But after a week, it was showing that he is getting exhausted. He was getting more and more angry at small stuff and usually cleaning would cool him off. But whenever he sees a mess he throws a tantrum.
On the weekends, I went to my mother's house to relax. That weekend, we were supposed to clean our bathrooms. He did that all by himself. As the days progressed I can see him becoming really angry at me. Even I admit, it has affected our intimacy a lot.
At last, after 2 weeks, he told me (basically yelled) that I proved my point. Things are back to normal. But I can see he is very distant with me. Last night I asked him to talk to me. He said he knew what game I was playing but he did not appreciate me treating him like garbage and not considering his feelings.
I told him it was his words that being a SAHD is easy. I just gave him the full experience of it. He kept denying and saying that I should have been more supportive. All these week he felt like nobody and felt so deeply underappreciated. He felt invisible.
He started to hate me for not giving a f*ck and dumping everything on him. He is still not talking to me. We have booked a couple's therapy session next week. Let's see if our relationship sustains or not.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
CheddarBakedPotato
I think it goes without saying but NTA. Not gonna lie, he sounds pretty toxic. Even when he has his come to Jesus moment, he's not actually recognizing that what he's feeling is exactly the thing he was demeaning others for. He thought it was easy, learned it's not, and instead of recognizing it he pushes everything off on you. I really hope your counseling works OP, because he really needs it.
vancitymala
I was (naively) hoping to read that after a week or two he came to her, apologized, apologized to her friend for how shitty he’d been, made his little tiktoks about it, realized that being a SAHD is only easy because SHE makes it easy. But, here we are
If anything you’d think he’d realize what being a single parent was like and recognize he would have to do all that PLUS get a job but clearly that didn’t even sink in. I’m sure in his world there is a big engraved monument that simply reads “it’s still all her fault and I am perfect” and his little ego can’t handle the truth.
Popular-Block-5790
This guy learned nothing. He still thinks he's right.
Shelly_895
You're telling me that a SAHP that does everything around the house while the other parent does nothing but work feels exhausted and unappreciated? WHAAT? How could he have possibly known that? Except for the barrage of women who told him they felt this way for years. But that doesn’t count. After all, being a SAHP is easy, right? They were just being dramatic.
2006bruin
I would like an update on this one.