'AITA for wanting my name on the deed to the house before we're married?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting my name on the deed to the house before we're married?"

My BF (30M) and I (31F) have been together two years. We’re going through rough patches and couples therapy trying to work on communication that hasn’t gotten better.

My BF has been focused on getting a house with his parents so we can have a house for our future. They are giving him a LOT of money to put toward a house. I have money I want to put toward the house but he told me it isn’t a lot (30k) or enough for a down payment.

I haven’t been involved in the process because his parents only speak Chinese and they have to use a Chinese realtor in my area. My BF usually gives me some type of summary of the conversations after we leave as translating in real time is too hard for him. He can’t multi-task.

So I’m usually with them and have no idea what’s going on. Idk, it feels like potential financial abuse.

On top of that, he says he can’t put my name on the house because I have 20k student loan debt and it affects our approval. And because it’s a prematurely asset, he doesn’t want my name on it till we’re married, which would be soon since we’re getting engaged soon.

But the house is for us as a married couple to live in. He also said he can’t add my name to the deed after we’re married cuz he would have refinance the house. He claims this is what everyone has told him and he has done is own research.

Last night, I told him I’m extremely hurt that I haven’t been involved in the process of finding us a home. He has shown me three houses but has gotten mad when he asked me if I liked it and I said things I don’t like - such as having no yard for my dog, which came before him.

This isn’t how I pictured finding a house with a future husband. I wanted to be involved. Stress about stuff together. Find things we like and don’t like. Enjoy it and have fun. But he has been the one doing it all with his parents.

I just want an equal partnership. I want a best friend who will ask me things and not get mad. I want someone who will be excited about things with me. Not someone who tells me to stop crying cuz I’m sharing my feelings and he can’t talk to me like that.

I have communicated that I might not move into the house until we’re married. So he is aware of that. But he also can’t afford the house without me. He has to sign for a house he found by Nov. 30.

Maybe I’m the one being the AS by wanting my name on the house and being an equal partner in the relationship. He just claims he is doing the logical thing for our relationship and for our future. He wants to be the one to provide for us since I (55K) make less than him (75k). So… am I the AS?

Let's see what readers thought.

hopefulchipmunk writes:

Yta. Why would you be entitled to half ownership of a house you put no money towards? You aren’t even engaged. Your boyfriend is right to protect his and his parents investment.

baconperogies writes:

NTA. If you're both buying into a house together/contributing to mortgage/getting married it makes sense to have both your names on the title. In case everything goes to shit if you don't have your name on the house it'll only be to your detriment.

You're right, buying a home is a huge decision and I can understand your frustration of not being a part of the process/not feeling heard/seen. I hope you can sit down with him and fully communicate how you're not happy with this process/potentially the biggest purchase of your life.

While he's done his own research when it comes to housing/mortgage - it wouldn't hurt to do more research on your own. Maybe consult with some friends who are realtors/mortgage brokers just to learn more? Knowledge is power. Hang in there friend.

kikimakecrazy writes:

NAH You are not married, you are not even engaged yet and from all your description your relationship is going south fast. He is clearly protecting his own assets. If you live then in a state that make clear division of pre matrimonial assets he is yes protecting again his own assets.

I don’t see anything wrong with it. Also yes with a 20K loan I see it hard to get a loan for a house… You also no AH cause you have a dream and expectations about your future husband and first home. But I think you may have to go somewhere else to find them.

Later OP came back to the same post and added these updates:

EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION: I live in the USA in Florida! He parents came the USA when BF was 4. They own a business but speak VERY limited English.

Updating for the language: they speak Wenzhounese and Mandarin.

Final update:

I do have an update finally: I did end up leaving him. I found an apartment and moved out in January. He got mad at me and kicked me out of the old place as I was still getting things out. He manipulated me and said we could get back together. It was all a lie. He also had started seeing a girl 5 days after we broke up in December, but kept telling me he missed me and loved me during this time.

I caught him texting the girl and he was lying to her about multiple things. I tried to warn her that he was lying and still with me at the time. She understood and then she told him I reached out. He called me that day and kicked me out of the place - telling me I couldn’t go back. They are still dating.

He ended up buying the house without me and lying about it in November saying he was scared of telling me, which made matters worse. He turned off his phone location during the times he worked on the house. Accused me of cheating for making a guy friend (he has a GF) at work. He went through my cell phone and read all the texts because he had to. That was the day we broke up.

He has since turned all his friends against me calling me a liar and a cheater so I’ve removed them all.

I’m doing well and in a better and safer place since all this went down. Seeing my therapist for a couple of months and putting myself first. Plus, paying off my student loans 🥳