'AITA for 'imposing my culture' even though I thought I was just being nice?' UPDATED

"AITA for 'imposing my culture' even though I thought I was just being nice?"

Even though I (23f) am American, my parents are immigrants and therefore I have a different cultural upbringing than most. One thing that was hammered into my head from a young age was to always, always bring a small gift when visiting anyone's house.

It doesn't matter if it's family or friends or that one person you kind of know but don't really like, bringing something is a must.

My bf (28m) and I have been dating for almost 4 years now and since we both work from home he suggested we make dinner with his parents a weekly thing since we haven't been able to see each other much for obvious reasons. I love his parents, so obviously I agreed!

Every week I made sure to bring something small to show my appreciation for them cooking for us (always using my own money); a small bottle of wine, their favorite dessert, some flowers etc. and they always thanked me for it. This has been going on for a few months and absolutely didn't notice anything out of the ordinary until yesterday when my bf and I were preparing to head over.

I'd gotten a cute vase of daffodils since luckily I'd found some in bloom and my bf's mom really loves them, but my bf suddenly got really mad and asked why I kept bringing stuff over every week like his parents were 'a charity case'.

Honestly I got super confused and asked him what the problem was and that I've always done this with everyone including his friends since we met.

That it was a cultural thing but then he got even madder and told me to stop imposing my culture on everyone and it's weird since I'm white. At that point I didn't feel like going anywhere with him and just gave him the flowers and went for a walk while he drove over to dinner by himself.

After he came home he still had the flowers which he gave to me and told me he was sorry but his parents really were super annoyed with me constantly bringing stuff over like they can't take care of themselves, and later on I got a text from his dad asking me to not come over for dinner anymore.

Now my bf's giving me the cold shoulder unless I give his parents a huge apology, but I really, truly don't feel like I'm in the wrong for trying to be nice to them. AITA?

A few quick answered questions by OP:

Yes, my bf's parents do share a phone. I don't find it particularly strange since they use facebook, videochat friends, play candy crush etc. on their ipads and don't have much use for a phone. They find ipads easier to use and also go everywhere together (very cute I know) so if someone really does need to call them the other is right there.

Previously my bf had absolutely no problem whatsoever with me bringing gifts anywhere. Like I said in a comment he'd helped me pick things out before and is usually great at communicating whenever he feels we need to talk about something which is why I was so confused with him.

He knows it's how I was raised and was respectful to every other aspect of my upbringing. His parents are not poor and raised him with good manners and etiquette.

I saw a lot of other people comment on what I was bringing, and no, I wasn't bringing gigantic vases with wilted flowers or an entire cake or multiple bottles of the same type of wine every week.

Whenever I did bring something edible it was small and we'd usually consume it with dinner and as for the flowers I'd usually just leave them in the plastic wrap they came with with water. The vase was a rare thing that my bf's mom could've used for dozens of things since it was a clear glass.

I also wanted to add that I'm so sorry the mods here had to deal with all the remind me update spam, I quite literally got thousands of replies and follows and update messages so I can't imagine how busy and stressful it was for you.

People were still doing it after you told them not to! I'd go crazy trying to sort through and delete what's necessary but you all did an amazing job, thank you!

Update from OP:

First of all I just want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support and replies on my first post. I'm looking forward to going over to everyone's houses for dinner and I'll be sure to bring all the things you said you liked :-) many flower lovers out there! I'm now also apparently the DIL to a lot of hopeful parents that replied as well so I hope I can deliver on expectations!

---

After my last update I told my bf I was sick and tired of him dancing around the issue with his parents and I was going to go over to their house whether he liked it or not. At this point I think he realized that whatever he was doing had backfired so he sat down all angry and told me he'd explain.

I sat and he told me that he'd done something very spur of the moment and that he'd texted me from his dad's phone then blocked the number but begged me to listen. That he just needed to get his parents off me for a while and to not leave.

Apparently his parents had started hinting at him about marriage since my bf and I talked a lot about it. I fully expected to marry him as I said in another comment, and was honestly expecting a proposal in late spring since that's when we met. Four years dating didn't bother me but I was getting excited to settle down.

However, my bf apparently realized that he absolutely didn't want to commit to anything and wanted to experiment and have fun since I 'wasn't being fun anymore'. Honestly that just made me cry since we were each other's firsts for everything and usually very good at communicating our needs.

His grand plan was to get him mad at me so I would beg for forgiveness and then he'd only accept an open relationship as an answer. Absolutely brilliant plan I know. He'd made up his parents getting mad but didn't expect me to blow off dinner completely and it's like 'hitting a jackpot', his words not mine.

He went over for dinner, hid the flowers and said we'd gotten into a huge fight but he was 'going to fix it' but I needed space. After he confessed all this he said he was very sorry but really didn't want to miss out on new experiences when he was still young and would I consider an open relationship but pretend ours was strained with his parents so they wouldn't get suspicious?

And.....I laughed. I laughed his ass right out the door and told him absolutely not and to leave me alone while I packed because I wanted to have some new experiences too!!! He never stopped begging me to stay but I left to sleep at a friend's.

After calming down for a few days I cemented the breakup and finally, actually went over to his parent's. My ex-bf's dad never even noticed the phone missing but still apologized and his mom was a mess.

I did and still love them and will eat dinner there without him as often as I can. I won't lie that I'm sad about four years down the drain, but that's life. And if that was my ex's best possible plan then I dodged the bullet by a mile.

Comments:

Vilnius_Nastavnik writes:

I LOVE that you went over there and filled his parents in on the real story. He was so concerned about keeping up appearances for his parents that he straight up waged psychological warfare on you, but now it's all nice and out in the open. Gonna be awkward for him at holidays for a few years.

attentionspanissues says:

I also love that OP now has friends around the world looking forward to having her over for dinner!

aitacultureclash OP writes:

Hehe yeah, there's people from Bangladesh to Greenland having me over. I'm also going to be extremely busy going on dates with all the single sons/daughters whose parents commented on my first post, they're all such lovely people <3

Ill-Money-1521 writes:

Your ex is an incredibly manipulative, immature coward. You dodged a huge bullet with that one.

On_The_Blindside writes:

Wow, just wow, i honestly can't believe your ex-boyfriend. He wanted his cake and to eat it to. Why on earth he thought that'd work i have no idea. Congrats of being rid of him, go live your life, have fun, go get new experiences!

Crunchycarrots79 writes:

He wanted an open relationship. So... He wanted his Kate and Edith, too.

Ok, I'll see myself out...