Woman decides to leave husband because he refused to get vasectomy. AITA?
"AITAH for considering leaving my husband because he won’t get a vasectomy?"
My husband (28M) and I (29F) have been married for a little under a year, and together for close to 10. I’ve been up front since the very beginning that I never want children - and he agreed that he didn’t either.
Prior to our wedding, I asked him to look into getting a vasectomy as I could no longer tolerate hormonal birth control. I would also look into non-hormonal forms of birth control as well - like a copper IUD or a tubal ligation.
Despite asking for him to look into it - not to get one, just to research - he did not and we went ahead with the wedding.
After a long waiting period I was able to get an appointment with a GYN who specializes in birth controls - and spoke with her about all non-hormonal options. We decided to try a copper IUD and see how that worked for me before seriously discussing permanent birth control methods like a tubal ligation.
My husband never spoke with his doctor about a vasectomy. After months of the copper IUD - I rejected it twice but it seems to be sticking the third time - the pain is terrible. There’s about 1 week a month where I don’t have debilitating cramps and my period is so heavy I’ve almost gone the the hospital a few times.
My husband finally made an appointment with a vasectomy specialist last month after I had a complete meltdown and revealed how much pain I had been in for months.
After the appointment, he decided he just wasn’t comfortable with doing something to his body - and the copper IUD seemed to be working so why should he. I replied that I have been barely able to function due to the pain and cramping but he said I couldn’t force him to do something he wasn’t comfortable with and what if I change my mind about kids in the future?
Even the vasectomy doctor advised him against encouraging me to do a tubal ligation as it is 100% not reversible and is a much bigger and more complicated procedure than a vasectomy.
I am at my wits end. I know I will not change my mind, but if that’s his main concern, then a vasectomy is fairly consistently reversible and we have the means to freeze sleek just in case. But he keeps saying it’s his body and he’s just not comfortable with it.
I’m terrified to have 'make love,' as the idea that I could get pregnant gives me a complete panic attack - and I am in constant pain with the IUD.
Hormonal birth control causes crazy weight gain and mood swings and I already struggle with anxiety and depression. I’ve tried many different kinds and none work for me. WIBTAH if I gave my husband an ultimatum - get a vasectomy or I am leaving this marriage?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. This is simply a compatibility issue. He has a right to his body and if he doesn't want to take that risk, that's understandable. You are also entitled to treat your body in the best way possible for yourself, and if you both can't come to an agreement, maybe a divorce is the best and only option available.
NTA. I think this marriage is over. He wants kids and was hoping you'd change your mind.
This is what stuck out the most to me and the biggest red flag for the future of this marriage. He might not want kids right now, but he definitely expects his wife to give him kids in the future.
If he truly, genuinely did not want kids, he would at least be open to discussing tubal ligation with his wife.
NTA. He is refusing to carry the burden of preventing pregnancy. He would rather put you through a significant procedure rather than have one on himself that is much less invasive. You've told him you're suffering, and his response is that the copper IUD is working so he doesn't see a reason that he needs to do anything differently. Yikes.
I also have the copper IUD. My period is so heavy every month that if I don't take an iron supplement, I get severely anemic. I also can't take hormonal birth control because it makes me severely depressed.
He is aware of how much this is impacting your health. He is making a choice not to take ownership of birth control because the idea of a vasectomy makes him uncomfortable.
I'm all for bodily autonomy, but his wife is bleeding enough to consider going to the ER every month and he has the ability to take that burden away and refuses to do so. He has the right to refuse, but you also have the right to have your IUD removed and be celibate if the result is that you aren't suffering.
You have the right to leave and pursue a relationship where you aren't expected to suffer so he can cum in total comfort. It's not an ultimatum. You told him to look into it before you got married, you told him you didn't watch children before you got married, you have handled all of the birth control up until this point. He doesn't have to get a vasectomy, but you don't have to stay with him.