Woman leaves Thanksgiving after partner's 'creepy' brother scares her. AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for leaving Thanksgiving because my partner's creepy brother was there?"

I (F25) and my partner (M26) have been friends for a few years and started dating more seriously early this year.

This was the first time he's invited me to Thanksgiving -- he called it a Friendsgiving when he pitched it. His parents, who I adore, were hosting it, but it was mostly their friends and his friends, not extended family -- as he put it. I guess for whatever reason I assumed his brother wouldn't be there.

I've tried really hard to be nice to his brother. He has always creeped me out with staring, hovering, etc. -- but he reads as neurodivergent (I think he's diagnosed ADHD but it seems a lot more severe to me).

But I tried to be nice. Then last year, my partner asked if his brother could come with us and our friends on our big summer renaissance fair road trip, and I told him how I felt uncomfortable around is brother and didn't want him to spoil this trip (in nicer words than that) and my partner assured me he wouldn't.

He... kind of did. I felt like I was babysitting a little kid for most of the trip, but whatever.

It was a few weeks after that that my partner posted something on Instagram and his brother commented, and I went to snoop on his Instagram as one does -- and saw that he'd drawn a bunch of pornography of me while we were on our trip. I mean very obviously of me.

I brought it up to my partner and he mostly seemed to brush it off? I didn't exactly say how uncomfortable it made me, but I also don't feel like I should've had to spell that out!

I've been pretty clear that I don't want to be around his brother after that. I've had dinner with him and his parents occasionally, but his brother usually either isn't there or stays up in his room.

He might come down to get a plate of whatever we're eating and pass by, but he never stays -- I thought because my partner conveyed to him that I'm not okay with being around him.

Anyway. Friendsgiving today. I was honestly having a blast. I got up early and spent all morning making side dishes. I was enjoying spending time with our friends and his parents. And then his brother turns up.

And gets sat at the "kids" table with us, right next to me. It isn't even that he was there, but that my partner didn't feel inclined to warn me or make sure we weren't sat together or anything.

I feel terrible now, like I overreacted, but I just got up to leave. I went over to his coat and got the keys, and when he asked what I was doing, I might have raised my voice a bit and told him he could either spend time with me or his creepy ass brother. Which was, like. maybe not the thing to do in front of this whole twenty person gathering.

We also drove together so I kind of left him stranded, but he WAS at his parents house with his side of the family and we live nearby. Someone probably gave him a ride. I went to my sister's about forty minutes away. He hasn't tried to call or text me. Did I overreact? AITA?

Let's see what readers thought.

blanketstatement writes:

NTA, and let's be clear: Your partner's parents raised BOTH of their sons to disrespect the autonomy and feelings of women. Your partner is just better at hiding it.

It's time to confront him, straight up. If he isn't willing to accept that his tolerance of his brother's behavior is disrespectful and disgusting, then he's gotta go (or just dump him without confronting him, I don't fault people for breakups via text when behavior is that egregious and repeated).

strawberryflowe writes:

ESH I only say that because it created a scene in a holiday. Other than that I don’t blame you for not wanting to be around his brother. He should have warned you that the brother was going to be there so you could have at least mentally prepped or come up with an excuse not to go.

tab2607n writes:

YTA. It sounds like it should have been obvious that he would have been there. And he is his brother. And neurodivergent. I do not understand the extent of the "pornography" but not sure how bad it was if it wasn't flagged and taken down?

Regardless, I think that if you want to continue a relationship that you need to come to some sort of terms with his brother because it seems like you're not going to come out on top here. If I had to choose between a sibling and a newer relationship on Thanksgiving then I'd tell you bye.

Later OP came back with this edit/update:

Edit: Thank you all for your input -- genuinely. I'm staying with my sister and she's ready to go into this situation swinging a baseball bat, but I knew she'd be like that and I wanted some more candid opinions from people who aren't already on my side.

The main advice I'm getting is to be more explicit with my communication and this is honestly something I've been working on for a while. My family isn't a "directly and verbally express your needs" family, which isn't an excuse but hopefully is an explanation. I try to remind myself that no one can read my mind and failed in this case.

I really shouldn't have blown up at the party and I'm extremely aware of that. I wish I had stepped out with my partner and reminded him of my feelings about his brother and given him a chance to correct it. I'm sure we've all gotten angry and wished we could take it back.

And I guess I should have assumed he would be there. My partner specifically pitched it as some of his friends and some of his parents' friends. And if he had just come down to get a plate like he normally does, it would've been fine. His brand of neurodivergence includes not liking big crowds of people. Also this guy is 24 -- I forgot to include in the main post. He's not a kid.

Anyway. I hadn't really had the perspective to consider the long-term feasibility of just avoiding my BIL. I'm going to text his parents to apologize (I should call, but I don't want to demand their attention if they're really pissed at me) and explain a little where it was coming from.

I took screenshots of the IG post that I'll share with them if they ask. (Also, to answer a common question, I guess it would be "lewd art" rather than pornography. He draws fat fetish art and drew someone who looks like me wearing 10% my ren fair garb and 90% nothing in a compromising pose.)

I'm going to suggest a pause with my partner through the holiday season, at the very least -- if he doesnt dump me first, that is. I don't think this relationship is feasible if he isn't going to do the bare minimum of trying to keep me safe. Thank you all again -- I mean it.