Woman lets ex stay in guest bedroom while BF is away; BF says she 'betrayed him.'
"AITA for letting my ex stay over for a couple of weeks when my boyfriend was out of town?"
nourborm
My ex (29M, let's call him john) and I (30F) dated for around a year back in 2017. We were really close friends way before and still are really close friends today. We thought we wanted more than a friendship at the time, turns out we didn't, and ended it on good terms, went back to being friends. A smooth in and out story, nothing too crazy.
All that to say that, the time we dated is nothing but a drop in our broader relationship. When I think of John I think of a dear friend I've known for the better half of a decade, us having briefly dated is an almost insignificant detail.
I met John in Detroit when we were both in college, same as most of my core friend group. I stayed in Detroit for a few years after graduation then moved to Chicago for a better opportunity, where I met my current boyfriend (33M, let's call him Mike).
A few weeks ago, John also moved to Chicago from Detroit. It's quite a textbook case in the tech sector if you want to stay in the Midwest.
Anyway the whole ordeal is that his contract started 2 weeks before his lease did. To me it was a no-brainer to offer him my guest room instead of letting him stay in a hotel.
That's just how it always worked within my friend group, maybe because we were broke at the time but you'd never think of letting a friend book a hotel or an Airbnb if you could host them.
From my perspective, I had a close friend who was between apartments and I offered to let him crash. He took me up on the offer. And that was it. That we once dated 5 years ago didn't register as something that mattered.
Obviously I informed Mike, but I matter-of-factly told him, I didn't 'ask' as he apparently thought I should've. (To be clear we each got our own place). Mike was on a month long trip visiting his family, and didn't seem to mind over the phone.
He didn't want to argue long distance, but when he got back two days ago, he voiced a few concerns. He thinks I shouldn't have put him on the spot and it's something we should have discussed before I offered John anything.
From my perspective, letting a friend crash at my place isn't something I should have to discuss, especially when it's not some rando I just met but one of my closet friends. Basically the points he made were:
1- He's not just a friend, he's an ex-boyfriend. But as I said our friendship supersedes our very short-term relationship that ended 5 years ago. Mike knows this. They've met a bunch, and are on very friendly terms.
Like honestly it's not like we're sleeping in the same room, and it's not the first time I have share an apartment with John. We always do whenever we go on a trip with my friends, albeit with more people.
2- He says it would've been different if he was in town. As much as I sympathize with and understand the first point, this one infuriates me. You either trust me or you don't, whether you're one block away or one continent away.
3- I would've felt the same way if he let a girl friend stay over. It's useless to argue about this to be honest, I know for a fact I wouldn't care but there's no way to prove either side.
For what it is worth, Mike got into this relationship knowing pretty well I have more than a few long time male friends. He knows it can't work out between us if this is a deal breaker.
So far he's never had a problem with it, and seemingly the only point of contention is that John and I used to date. I think enough time has passed, and our relationship was an insignificant enough part of our time knowing each other, that it doesn't really matter. AITA?
Just to be clear, this isn't an invitation for reddit armchair couple therapists to start raising color flags, calling either of us toxic or telling me I should leave Mike. My relationship is fine, we didn't even have a fight. It was a calm discussion. But he made it clear he thought I was in the wrong. I still fail to see how.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
toastchick
YTA OP! Sorry, I hear your reasons, but in a committed relationship your partner’s comfort and happiness has special weighting over the convenience of your friends. He was out of town and I honestly do feel for him. I’d have a bit of a think and apologise if it were me.
Edit to add that I think part of my vote is to do with the tone of your post- I feel like ideally you’d be in your bf’s corner trying to understand why he’s hurt, not with the long defense. All the best!
x_hyperballad_x
Agreed. To the 2nd point Mike made, he maybe would have offered OP to spend more time at this place if he was home so that she’d be spending more time with him than John. I totally get why this made Mike uncomfortable. I am in the “exes are exes camp”.
ResurrectionScary
You're not the a**hole, but you're in the wrong. You don't need to 'ask' a boyfriend's permission, but should you have asked how he FELT about you having a guy move in with you? Yes. Yes, you should have. Permission is not the same thing as 'consideration'. You were very inconsiderate.
GonnaBeOverIt
YTA. Friendship or not you are a man you had sex with sleep in your home when your boyfriend was gone. Not cool. But seems like apparently you’re more interested in what your ex-boyfriend feels than what your current boyfriend feels...
anotherworthlessman
You chose the convenience of a man that was an old friend and a fling to boot over a current long term relationship. Clearly you care little for Mike's feelings so as you requested in your post, I'm not going to advise you leave Mike.
I am advising Mike to really think about who he is dating and if she cares enough about him for him to keep pursuing the relationship. I'm not willing to call you an a**@ole, but you're REALLY close.