'AITA for refusing to go to my brother's wedding if he keeps my ex-husband as a groomsman?'
"AITA for refusing to go to my brother's wedding if he keeps my ex-husband as a groomsman?"
My brother (29M) got engaged to his fiance (28F) this summer. They are planning on getting married next spring/early summer.
They have been working on putting their wedding party together and they did a video call with me (32F) a couple weeks ago to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I of course agreed because I love them both and I am very happy for them.
However, during the call, and after I had already agreed to be a bridesmaid, my brother dropped a bomb on me. He said that he hopes this doesn't cause any issues, but he wants to ask my ex-husband (30M) to be one of his groomsmen. My initial reaction was not the best, I basically said 'What? Why? Are you serious? WTF?'
For some history, my ex and I were high school sweethearts and married young. We were both 23 when we married and were divorced by the time we turned 25. No infidelity or abu$e of any kind, just a toxic relationship we were too young to recognize properly and eventually we got to a point in our marriage where we just hated each other.
Thankfully, we never had kids and we were too young to have many assets, so the divorce was easy since neither of us wanted anything to do with the other. I moved away, got a new job, and started a new life. My ex stayed in our hometown (where my brother currently lives). I haven't spoken to my ex in almost 5 years.
Obviously, my brother has known my ex for a long time and they were always close. Apparently, they remained close friends after the divorce even though my brother never mentioned it to me.
My brother told me that he understands this might be a bit awkward, but it's just for one day and it's not like my ex and I are going to have to walk down the aisle together.
He said they will try to do whatever they can to keep distance between us if needed, but that both me and my ex are very important people to him and he wants both of us involved in his wedding.
I know a lot of people will probably call me petty and immature, but I want nothing to do with my ex. There's a reason I haven't spoken to him in so long, I have no desire to speak to him.
Let alone be in the same wedding party as him. There's going to be a lot of wedding party activities that are going to involve being in close proximity to him for extended periods of time. I want nothing to do with that.
I explained all of this to my brother and told him that if he's going to keep my ex as a groomsman, I don't think I can be a bridesmaid and I might have to reconsider even attending the wedding.
This led to a big of back and forth with my brother trying to bargain with me and convince me that it won't be that big of an issue, and me pretty much telling him this is non-negotiable for me.
Since that conversation, I have been contacted by our other sister (26) and my mom pretty much telling me to grow up and that I'm being petty and immature and that I can handle being in the same general area as my ex for a short period of time to support my brother. AITA?
Let's see what readers had to say:
samae13 writes:
YTA - I mean, look... it's your brother's wedding. You obviously don't have to go, but if you don't, you're basically giving your brother the finger.
You knew that your brother was close to this person before you got together, so it shouldn't actually be that big of a surprise that they're still close, even though the two of you split. There wasn't any abuse or cheating, just two people who weren't good for each other.
I'm with your family; this feels petty. I've been at weddings with my ex. You haven't spoken in five years, so just keep not speaking to each other. If he tries to talk, just move along and ignore that he's there.
lovelyhubby7 writes:
NTA. I wonder, how did they expect you to react? It seems to me you made it quite clear to him and everyone else that you want nothing to do with. However, maybe you could attend the wedding and reception just not be in it? That way you get to leave when you want. Either way, good luck!
hazylazysummer writes:
NAH. He invites whoever he wants and you have every right to refuse the invitation.
It's his day, your brother can invite whoever he wants to participate. But you don't have to accept the invitation.
Everyone likes to crow that line about "blood is thicker than water" so maybe your brother could consider who's most important to him at his wedding.
NTA for choosing not to go if your ex is there, and your family is definitely the A H for failing to understand your position and badger you about it.
Edit to eta: never mind. And those that are badgering you need to mind their own business.
notgonnaworkaita OP responded:
"so maybe your brother could consider who's most important to him at his wedding." I brought up something similar when my brother and I were talking, well kind of arguing, about this. He said that he's known my ex since they were in grade school, played sports together for years, still play softball and golf together, etc.
He said that after I moved away and pretty much cut contact with everyone from our hometown, my ex was more like a brother to him than I was a sister. He told me that if I put him in a position where he has to choose one of us over the other, that I shouldn't be surprised if I don't win.
That's part of what my sister and mom were fighting with me about too, that I'm being an AH for putting my brother in a position where he has to choose one of us because I can't be bothered to "act like an adult" for one day instead of running from my problems (my mom's words.) My mom pretty much told me that if I don't attend, then I shouldn't be surprised if there are lasting consequences in the family.
When I told her that I can't believe they are all supporting my ex over me on this, my mom said that they are supporting my brother, not my ex. But she did say that at least my ex is being an adult and is willing to put the past behind him to support someone he cares about (my brother). So she had to get one final jab in at me which felt great. /s.
How was your relationship with your family pre the whole break up? Were you close or were there already issues and fractures?
notgonnaworkaita OP responded:
We were a very tight-knit family. My parents were supportive of me during the divorce and even when I told them I was going to move away. They didn't understand it, but they supported it. But when I told them I needed space and time to heal myself, they didn't understand that. They didn't understand that my healing was something I needed to do on my own and for my own benefit.