Woman won't help late ex's affair partner and child collect survivors benefits. + Update 2
"AITAH for not helping a woman who had a baby with my ex husband get survivors benefits?"
Disastrous_Two_567
My(43) ex husband Duke(54) and I divorced because he habitually cheat on me. We were divorced a little over 2 years when he died in a motorcycle accident. I paid for his funeral because of my daughter(15) and, despite everything, he was her father and I didn’t want the state to bury him.
That was 4 months ago and my daughter is doing well. I applied for survivors benefits for her shortly after his funeral and have been receiving monthly payments. Yesterday, I received a phone call from my caseworker at the social security office informing me that a woman called claiming that she had a 3 years old son by my ex husband.
However, the woman had no proof the boy is actually my ex husband’s (not signed birth certificate or DNA test). The case worker asked me if I would be willing to allow my daughter to do a DNA test to prove this child’s paternity.
I refused. I did the math and this child was definitely conceived while I was still married to my ex. Furthermore, at the time of conception I had gone thru a very traumatic hysterectomy with major setbacks that nearly killed me.
I suspect I know who this woman is and she definitely knew my ex husband and I were still married. I’m livid and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by refusing but I was humiliated enough by my ex when he was alive and I feel even more embarrassed now.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
raquel8822
Might have already been said but……If the mother knew the kid was his. WHY did she wait 3 YEARS TO CLAIM SUPPORT FROM THE FATHER!! YES any mother who has child support entitled to them deserves every penny.
But it’s a huge RED FLAG when she waits till she knows there’s survivors benefits going to his other child. I’m guessing someone told her she’s missing out on a nice paycheck and now she’s wanting a piece of it.
LA-forthewin
NTA, you don't owe this woman anything, let her figure things out the way she would have if your daughter was not available. She could for example ask his parents or siblings to do the DNA test.
Intelligent-Price-39
NTA you owe her nothing and I would not want my childs DNA to be on a state database.
Ash-b13
Where was she hiding when it came to funding the funeral of her child’s apparent father.
Adventurous-Term5062
NTA. Your daughter does mot need to be subjected to this.
Acrobatic_Zebra8025
Yeah that’s my thought too. A 15 year old girl lost her father and this sounds like a lot of unnecessary extra baggage for her to deal with while grieving. All so a former mistress who knowingly slept with a married man can get a few hundred dollars a month?
No, that’s not worth OP making her daughter have even more complex feelings than she probably already has. This mystery woman should’ve done what she needed to do to financially protect her kid as soon as the kid was born.
Edit. I wrote this over a year ago when I first found out about the situation. Tried to post it in another group but it wouldn’t let me. I’m posting here now because I came across it in my posting history and really wanted to know what others think. Thanks in advance for any help you can suggest.
Nine hours later, the OP returned with another update.
"Update: AITAH for not helping a woman who had a baby with my ex husband get benefits?"
Disastrous_Two_567
First of all, I’d like to thank everyone for their comments and advice. As I stated in my edit on the original post this happened over a year ago and for whatever reason I wasn’t allowed to post it on the thread I originally tried to.
Now to the update. About a month after I found out about this little boy I did indeed tell my daughter who is now 17 by the way. She was shocked as you can imagine and very hurt by her dad’s actions. I explained to her the full situation and she didn’t want to do it then.
She said she needed time so that’s what I gave her. Incidentally she has been in therapy since before, during and after the divorce. Her father and her were never close because he had a 'kids are to be seen and not heard' mentally which caused a lot of problems even when we were still together.
The woman who had an affair with my husband was a work colleague/friend. We all worked together at the same place. We both still work there, just in different areas. After I got the call from my caseworker several mutual acquaintances approached me and told me that she wanted to sit down and talk with me about her problem.
I thought about that for a few days and ultimately decided to meet up with her. We met at a coffee shop by our job on a Saturday. She told me that she and my ex started out as friends at first. He would give her advice on how to deal with her other 2 kids' dad. She said very quickly it turned into flirting and hanging out and eventually a full on affair.
By this time, he’s telling her I was getting suspicious that something was going on and she was already pregnant. She told him about the pregnancy and he told her he wouldn’t be leaving me, but he would assist her with whatever the child needed.
She was hurt and angry but stuck with the situation as she was already struggling with the 2 kids she had and she needed the help. She went on to say that he was very much in love with me and that she was jealous of me for having him.
Not one time was this woman remorseful. No apologies. Nothing. I asked her did she even care what their affair did to my daughter and she replied no because she had enough on her plate dealing with her own children and “quite frankly didn’t care about mine”. That’s word for word by the way.
At this point, I told her that I have informed my daughter about her son and she is currently not interested in participating in this scenario. She got outraged by that, telling me I have to make my daughter do this. She said that she is only part time at our job and her and her kids cannot survive on her income alone.
I told her she was a B. That if she even felt a little bit of guilt I might have been able to talk my daughter around, but her lack of respect for my daughter’s feelings is why I won’t. I left her there yelling at me as I walked away to my car. She has since quit working at our job.
Over the past year, I have addressed the situation with my daughter and she still doesn’t want to do it. I’ve told her it’s her decision either way and I support what she wants. My ex’s parents are both deceased and his one sister is dead.
He has an older brother but they hadn’t communicated in decades because of the brother's substance issues. I tried to find out about him when my ex died but I couldn’t find anything. My ex was dead 2 full days before the police finally got in contact with me.
It was a shock. I never hated him. I hated what he did. There is a difference. I guess that’s the update. If there are any questions you guys would like me to answer. I’ll be around. Feel free to ask. Thank you for your time. Stay blessed.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
Starry-Dust4444
Again, it was foolish of her not to get an official child support agreement when the child was born.
Winter-Stranger-3709
NTA Why would she quit her job if she is in dire need of income?
Danivelle
Because she's expecting OP to hand over the money. Nope. She slept with a married man who's wife was her coworker, if I read that correctly. She has no fing excuse for her behavior. She made her bed for herself and her children, she can just lie in it until she finds another marriage to ruin.
WillSayAnything
Good for you and good for your daughter. It's your daughter's DNA she gets to decide who has access to it. Also, the kid's parents should've had this handled so they wouldn't need to further disrupt your child's life and her well being.
Especially once he'd made it known that he wouldn't do anything official for other kid besides "help out." The cheater gambled and lost, that's something she needs to deal with and figure out on her own.
LadyBug_0570
"He would give her advice on how to deal with her other 2 kids dad."
Sooo... she already had 2 baby-daddies and then got into an affair with your husband and didn't use protection? And with all these baby-daddies, she never learned how to file for child support?
So THEN, when needing a favor from you, she can't even pretend to be remorseful???? Couldn't even humble herself a little bit and pretend to be sorry for hurting you and your child? I guess it sucks to be her.
The next day, the OP again returned with another update.
"Update 2: AITAH for not helping a woman who had a baby with my ex husband get survivors benefits?"
Disastrous_Two_567
Ok this has really blown up. Once again I thank everyone who took the time to leave a comment. There are a lot of questions and assumptions. I will do my best to answer them to the best of my ability.
First of all let me say I did not hate my husband. Hell I don’t even hate his AP. For those who think I’m trying to get some half baked revenge on a toddler, just let me say you’re insane to feel that way. In the moment when this all happened I was in shock and total disbelief.
I reacted without any real thought. I challenge anyone on here to say they haven’t responded angrily with unwanted and unexpected news. However I am not a person who does not think of consequences to my actions and that is why I sat down, calmed down and figured out how to proceed.
I talked to both my mom and my brothers before I talked to my daughter. They were also shocked but urged me to talk to my daughter and get her input on this situation.
As I said in my first update my daughter has been in therapy before during and still after the divorce. I suggested to her to talk to her therapist about this. She did. Based on my daughter’s feelings of being adamantly opposed to being involved, her therapist suggested I give her time and I have.
My daughter is a sweetheart and I’m not saying this about her because she’s mine. But it has been a lot for her to deal with at one time. I’m sure in the end she will change her mind but I refuse to bully her into it. It has to be 100 percent her decision.
Some of you think I hate my ex husband and I’m using this situation to get back at him. I DO NOT! I hated what he did. That is all. My ex and I talked at least twice a week. We had disagreements, sure, like other people. I wish he would’ve told me honestly. The affair had long been out the bag.
I’m not going to say I would have enjoyed hearing it, but at least we would have known. See we’re too busy living and oftentimes we subconsciously think everything will work out for the best. It never goes that way though does it?
If he would have told us, we could’ve long gotten over any shock, hurt or resentment and possibly the kids could’ve long ago met each other. I would have known about the boy and we all would’ve been better prepared when he died. Who knows?
But I’m no longer angry or hurt. Please believe me when I tell you that I want an amicable solution to this as much as you do. That day in the coffee shop with her I once again reacted but I’m human with feelings and emotions just like all of you.
My ex husband had no one else but us. As I said he has a brother who has substance issues, who I spent weeks trying to locate, and I couldn’t. I would never have let him be buried by the state because, at the end of the day, we still loved him. I was married to him for 17 years ffs.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's second update:
SteampunkHarley
Are you still being harassed about this? I hope not.
Good on you for listening to your daughter and supporting her choices.
You're still NTA.
ove2rp4
Exactly. The AP is facing the consequences of her actions and it isn’t even from OP. It’s up to the daughter and the right thing to do is support the daughter in what she chooses, not force and coerce her.
The AP is a grown ass woman it’s on her to take care of her family. The fact the AP has zero care for the daughter and no regrets for her actions yet wants others to bend over backwards for her is laughable.
brojgb
Tell her you have enough on your plate with your own daughter and quite frankly you don’t care about hers.
ChibiAro
NTA. Your daughter isn’t responsible for that other woman or the child. Your daughter has no obligation to help since she isn’t the child’s parent and she isn’t a replacement for her dad.
The home wrecker wanted (and got) your late ex-husband and has sole responsibility for her son. Part of being a parent. Don’t let the woman act like your daughter is extended family to herself. She isn’t. I would be on guard for any unwanted or unsolicited contact between that woman and your daughter though. Sorry you’re going through this.
NobodyButMyShadow
NTA - I just read through the original and the updates. You did what would have been my first inclination, and asked your daughter how she felt, although I wondered if you wanted her to know all this.
I know that you probably could force her, but I don't see why you should risk damaging her relationship with her by forcing her to do something that she is adamantly against, especially for the alleged mother of your late husband's child when she is such an uncaring woman when it comes to other people. She can look into other government benefits like everyone else.