'AITA for altering my wedding dress to wear myself instead of giving it to my sister?' UPDATED
"AITA for altering my wedding dress to wear myself instead of giving it to my sister?"
aitaweddingdresscu
I need an unbiased opinion on this because I don't know if i was the a**hole. Throwaway because I am active in other communities and I don't want this to mix. So I was supposed to get married 2 moths ago to my ex partner of 5 years. Sadly we broke it off because he cheated on me at his bachelor party with an 'exotic dancer.'
I had this beautiful dress that cost me around 2k dollars (out of my pocket). I had been very depressed since everything happened because I felt it was somehow my fault for not being sexy enough or not giving him what he wanted.
So last weekend I decided to "take my power back" and I began altering the dress. I have been sewing for 15 plus years so I know what I am doing. I cut it a bit, changed the color to something less wedding-y and after a week of work I had a beautiful gown that I could use for more stuff.
The problem comes now. I uploaded that picture of the dress to Instagram with a caption that said something along the lines of "you can change the worst memories" or some sh*t like that.
My sister hits me up and asks me if that was my old wedding dress and I told her yes. She then called me and asked me why I had done this. I asked her why it was such a big deal. And she told me that I could have waited till after her wedding. I was so confused.
Then she reminded me that when we were staying at the hotel where my wedding was supposed to happen my mom and sister where there cheering me up and my sister said something along the lines of "oh well if you are not using it i will".
We all laughed so I thought it was a joke because it was never brought up again after. She just asked me once what material it was so I assumed she wanted something similar.
Now my sister is mad at me and my mom says she understands both of our points of view. But that I could have waited 5 more months till after her wedding to "take my power back." AITA?
Edit : yes he [hooked up with] the stri^^er please stop asking me
Edit2: what the is wrong with some of you. Suddenly I am the a^%$ole for leaving my ex for cheating on me because it doesn't count because it was his bachelor party? Do you know how relationships work. Are you also going to tell me that if he cheated on a Saturday it wouldn't count?
Or if he left the country? This is hilarious coming from a place that says cheaters are the worst people In this world. Cheating is cheating period
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
runthereszombies
NTA. I think it's pretty insensitive for your sister to expect to use your wedding dress. She needs to consider how painful it would probably be for you to sit at her wedding and watch her walk down the aisle in the dress you were supposed to wear for your wedding, which then turned into a terrible memory.
You do what's best for you, and you should feel proud of yourself for reclaiming your power and turning the dress into something new and positive for you.
aitaweddingdresscu OP responded:
Honestly I think that I would have felt like that and I know it's stupid because it's just a dress but idk if I would have given it to her for that and I feel horible.
runthereszombies
But it's not stupid at all and you shouldn't invalidate your own feelings. I think it would be way more surprising if you didn't feel that way about it.
stunning-stasis
NTA. Did your sister think about how awkward it would have made you feel to see her get married in the dress that was supposed to be yours?
Renzieface
NTA. Wear the dress proudly, you fabric whisperer! It always lowkey blows my mind when family members assume that blood has the same purchasing power as cash and/or skill. Naw, Becky. I made this happen with my money, and then I made it happen again with my hands. Shoo shoo.
5 months later, the OP returned with an update:
aitaweddingdresscu
I posted approximately 5 months ago about my sister being mad at me for not giving her, what was supposed to be, my wedding dress. So after being assured that I did nothing wrong I decided to try to talk it out with my sister. So I tried calling her but she had blocked my number. I was very confused and talked to my mother.
She was trying to still stay out of it and I got a little mad and said that it was not fair. That my sister was not right because she never formally asked me and how was I supposed to just guess that she wanted it.
She tried to justify her but in the end also accepted that my sister was wrong. Nonetheless, she told me to just give her space and that she will just come to terms with it herself.
I waited a few days till I met her in the supermarket. At first she tried to act like she didn't see me but I planted myself in front of her. She was just rolling her eyes saying she had places to be. And I just said "you know I hope you notice how unfair you are treating me" and then left her alone.
That night I received a call where I was berated for being selfish for about 20 minutes by her. I asked her if she was done and asked her if we could talk it out like adults. She came over the next night and we had an exhausting fight. Screaming, crying and after all was said and done she actually apologized for everything.
She was kind of jealous of my dress and of the wedding I almost had. And she was embarassed that she couldn't afford everything I could and that she felt like she failed as an adult and as a mother. And honestly I get it.
Not because I think she is a failure, but because I get how it feels if your brain tells you you failed at life because you don't have things that other people have. She apologized also because she was trying to blame me for her problems and felt that everything was easier if she wasn't the one to blame.
We talked a lot more time till I told her that she didn't need a fancy dress and that we could search something basic and I could help her to decorate it with something. She agreed and we actually did get to customize a very basic gown.
As we didn't have much time it's not super fancy. Sadly due to the outbreak the wedding, that was supposed to happen this month, was canceled. They had a courthouse wedding where she wore one of my dresses and she is celebrating in August if it's possible.
That's everything. So even if I was not an a**hole and my sister seemed like a brat... she was dealing with some heavy feelings and I still love her. Thanks for the judgment and advice.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's update:
tarthwell
I remember the original post it’s always good to read a follow up where people work it out in the end. Thanks for updating us!
Jurassic-Jay
I remember it too! I often see updates and I’m like “what was this” but I genuinely remembered this one (5 months ago, a lot simpler time). Cool. The update is very appreciated.
penkster
I remember hte original as well. I love it when adults can get together and have a talk to face to face - there's so much miscommunication and so much stuff bottled up, its great when you can just hash it out. You sound like you have a great relationship with your sister (I'm a little jealous!) and you guys are moving ahead. Thanks for the good feels.
EndofMayMayitEnd
Its been 5 months already? F*^%...Glad you two resolved this. I hope she never pulls anything remotely close to this again you handled it very maturely.
Rikey_Doodle
It's kind of amazing how often we lash out because of personal insecurities like this. If emotional health was prioritized more, maybe we could be more open with each other and healthier for it.