Sibling refuses to let 10yo brother borrow college fund for dialysis treatment. CONCLUDED
'AITA for not wanting to use my college fund to pay for my brother's treatment?'
My parents divorced when I was about 7 because my dad had admitted to having an affair. My mom and I moved out of our house and into an apartment while my dad immediately moved his mistress into our house because she was pregnant with my twin brothers.
My mom was devastated but she quickly picked herself up for us. She went back to school and as a result, she continued climbing up in her career.
My mom adjusted better to going from a double income household to a single income and was able to contribute a substantial amount of money to my college fund.
My dad on the other hand had a harder time as he now has to support a family of 4 sometimes 5 on a single income as his wife is a SAHM. My dad did not have much disposable income and so did not contribute as much to the fund.
I'm going to finish school soon and I have a good shot at getting into my first choices of college.
Unfortunately my brother [10M] was diagnosed with a kidney disease which has progressed to where he needs to be on dialysis. My dad is drowning in medical debt so my mom agreed he no longer needed to pay child support.
The specialist had suggested a different treatment for my brother as most other treatments didn't help or stopped working and they are running out of options short of a transplant (not doable at this time). This treatment is not covered by insurance and costs a lot. My dad can't take out a loan due to debt.
Dad and his wife sat me down when I was over and asked if I would be willing to let them borrow my college fund to pay off my brother's treatment. They offered to pay the money back but I knew they wouldn't be able to.
I really don't want to give them the money because I know if I don't get any scholarships I wouldn't be able to go to the college I want to without going into debt myself. My future would be at risk and I know my dad wouldn't help if I needed it.
In addition, the money technically belongs to my mom, I can't just give it away and I know she would refuse to give them the money.
My dad and his wife are furious at both my mom and I and are trying to guilt me into it. I do feel terrible for my little brother.
AITA?
ETA My dad does have a second job that he works on the weekend, and his wife home schools the boys and is a full time care giver for my brother.
My dad's family disowned him when the affair came to light. He did get some help from his brother and sister but they can only give so much. I do think I was his last option. His wife did not have a lot of family.
Lastly, of course I would feel bad if something happened to my brother, he's just a little kid, but I would want to help him with MY OWN money and I can only do that if I start my career debt free. I Also don't want to risk my own future.
UPDATE
So after I called my mom she left work early and picked me up from dad's house. She took me for coffee and I explained what happened.
After talking a bit she said I could either keep the fund as is and not give dad the money or we can take the money that dad had contributed and give that back to him. I told her I wanted to give dad back the money he put in.
After we finish our coffee mom withdrew the exact amount dad put in over the years. Mom also matched the amount and added it to give to dad.
I waited in the car while she gave dad the money and he was upset because the money wasn't enough. Mom told him that is all he's going to get from her and threatened to take him to court if he and his wife keeps harassing me.
This is probably the last update as I am going low contact with dad for now. Thank you everyone of the genuine support and the advice.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. The money isn't yours, firstly. It was allocated by your mother for a specific thing.
You're damn right you're not getting the money back if you loan them. It was grossly inappropriate for our father to ask for money from you, who I presume is a minor.
And he already said his mom wouldn’t go for it so I don’t see it happening.
I don't blame the OP's mother for not going for it. Her husband had an affair and kicked the OP and their mother out of the family home. The mother was pretty generous with agreeing that the father didn't have to pay child support anymore.
I’m guessing one of the reasons OP’s mom won’t go for it is because if insurance won’t pay for it and Medicare won’t pay for it (because the US will pay pretty much all your medical bills once your kidneys totally quit) is because the treatment is “experimental” which means it’s not going to work.
I’m a pediatric nurse. If there was a new cutting edge treatment that would save patients on dialysis that weren’t candidates for a transplant? Trust me it would be breaking news.
There is no such treatment. If he isn’t a candidate for transplant it’s because he’s got a ton of other problems.
He’s dying. It’s tragic, it’s awful, it’s heartbreaking….and it happens every day. Even to 10 year old kids. There is no reason for OP to throw his college fund away so that his father and stepmother can torture this kid a little longer with medical interventions. Take one last vacation, say goodbye, and let this poor little boy go.
THIS. I’m a nurse in Transplant and I dearly would love to know what treatment they are talking about they might prevent the need for dialysis or transplant. If the kiddo is on dialysis, they qualify for Medicare A&B or will soon.
OR the minor child might qualify for state Medicaid under a medical loophole. OR, is this treatment a clinical trial? In that case it should be free.
Soooo, what treatment is this that commercial insurance, Medicare, Medicaid AND a clinical trial won’t cover? Is it a drug? Procedure? And if he’s on dialysis, most of the time that keeps patients stable. Not always. But mostly.
Is the treatment to get him off dialysis? Prevent a transplant? Is there a reason he doesn't qualify for transplant? There’s a whole lot that is suspect MEDICALLY in your Dads request. Either way, you are NTA.
The SAHM can get a job to help with finances instead of pilfering her stepson's college fund. Your Mom got a job that enabled you to have a college fund. I don't think your Mom needs to support a SAHM also. Your Mom is already being incredibly generous by foregoing child support.
the mom chose to be generous and match the amount he contributed and he was still upset that it wasn't enough? like, it's a really shitty situation all around. but being upset with the mom of all people is just...???
but also, if this is the us I understand the desperation bc healthcare is insane out here.
'the mom chose to be generous and match the amount he contributed and he was still upset that it wasn't enough'
I mean, we knew she was generous because she allowed him to stop paying child support years ago. But then to match the contribution she was refunding him?
The father doesn't deserve either of them. I hope OP goes no contact.