'AITA for telling my sister she’s the one with the failing marriage, not me?' + Update
"AITA for telling my sister she’s the one with the failing marriage, not me?"
nosleepsis
My husband (28M) and I (27F) have been married for two years. We have an unusual sleeping arrangement. I’m a very light sleeper and I’ve struggled with insomnia most of my life. It takes me a long time to fall asleep. Sometimes even the slightest noise wakes me up and I have to start all over again.
My husband on the other hand becomes some sort of Taekwondo prodigy in his sleep with how much he kicks. He’s been like this since he was a kid and any attempts to stop it have been a failure. He sleeps like a rock so he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. He also talks in his sleep occasionally.
I have a job that I need to get up super early for, so my sleep is important to me. When we first moved in together we slept in the same bed, but of course that didn’t work out. I was left exhausted. He just felt super guilty, even though he wasn’t consciously doing it.
Eventually we decided to have our sleeping areas in separate rooms. We aren’t angry with each other at all. We understand that some people just have different sleeping habits. This has not affected our intimacy either.
We still lay together in one of the beds to watch movies or something all the time. Sometimes we even fall asleep in the same bed, which I feel fine with as long as I don’t have work in the morning. It’s a little unorthodox but it’s what works for us.
My older sister Layla (32F) and her husband are going through a rough patch in their marriage. I think her husband’s a huge AH. He cheated on her and made some ridiculous excuse that he did it just because she was ignoring him and refused to ‘fulfill his needs’. She’s only so busy because they have 3 kids that he doesn’t help her with at all.
I was shocked when she told me she was staying with him even after the affair was exposed. I tried to talk her out of it but she told me to mind my own business, so I did. They’re in marriage counseling now. From what Layla has relayed to me, it’s not going well.
She’s been trying to change in order to fix their relationship. He doesn’t even try to become a better husband. He just shoots some half-baked apology and justifies his actions. I hate him but I guess it’s her choice as a grown woman to stay.
She’s of course devastated, but also reacting weirdly to the whole thing. She’s convinced herself it’s all her fault. If she had just payed more attention to him then none of this wouldn’t have happened. I’ve tried to tell her that isn’t true but she doesn’t listen.
The other day, she came to our apartment to chat and for me to see my nieces. My husband was at work. She’s actually never been to my apartment before. Her and her husband have a large fancy house so I usually just go to them. With how tense things are now she said she’d prefer to come to my apartment.
One of my nieces opened what she thought was the bathroom door. It was actually the door to my husband's separate bedroom. Layla saw inside that it was lived in so she asked if we had gotten a roommate. I said no and just gave her a quick rundown of the situation.
She seemed a bit weirded out but didn’t say anything until my nieces were all in the living room watching a movie. She began to ask all these weird questions about our love life, love for one another, etc. I said we were doing just fine and some of the personal questions she asked were none of her business.
She got a bit snappy then and said that she’s just trying to help me. If I left my husband out of my bedroom and didn’t attend to his ‘needs’ he may just run off with some other woman. She told me to be careful and that it would be better to just sleep in one bed despite any sleep issues.
She even said “you have to keep an eye on him constantly so he won’t feel the need to leave you for someone more attentive”. I got frustrated. It wasn’t even about the bedrooms anymore. She was just projecting her situation onto me. I was also upset she would suggest my husband would cheat on me for not being ‘attentive’ enough.
I snapped and sharply said that her husband is the cheating monster, not mine. Just because her marriage is failing doesn’t mean she gets to critique and coach mine.
That made her super angry and she immediately stood up and stormed to the living room to get her daughters and go home. She won’t answer my calls. She just sent me one text that said she was just trying to help and to not be surprised when my husband cheats.
My husband was offended as well, but said he understood she’s going through a very tough time now. He suggested I was just a bit to harsh and should’ve just let her get her paranoia rant out of her system and move on. Her mental state isn’t all that good and she’s probably just not thinking clearly.
My mom agrees with him. She said Layla was being weird and insensitive, but I shouldn’t have said something so personal. That yelling at her will only push her further away from us and towards her AH husband. I actually feel kind of bad now. She’s obviously not thinking clearly and I should’ve just moved on. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
popoPitifulme
FWIW, I have 6 married sisters, and only 2 of them sleep a full night in the same bed as their husbands. It's no indication of an unsuccessful marriage. They've all been married over 30 years.
Visual-Lobster6625
NTA - your husband and mother's assessment sounds pretty spot on, and you may have been a little harsh, but I don't think you're an AH. My husband and I sleep in separate rooms because I need a fan on at night. It's more common than people think.
GrouchySteam
More common in relationship where there understanding and respect for each other. Being decent enough to not push wants over needs. It’s more about the kind of person than relationship. Sleep is such an important thing than regular disturbance can be qualified as torture. Husband and mother seems indeed spot on.
The sister is supposed to be in therapy and her way of thinking is disturbing to said the least. I got the feeling it isn’t a real therapist as the sister and her husband stances sounds like what religious counselling would preach. The sister was definitely projecting and convincing herself inappropriately towards OP. OP can’t be blamed for snapping at such comments.
justliking
She’s a complete AH. And has bought into the misogynistic narrative of marriage. I’ve not been intimate my husband in our marital bed until 2 months ago. 😂😂 intimacy DOES NOT EQUAL love. We actually find it more fun that we can be together in our own bed…. When you have kids/sleep issues/whatcer, you always make way for intimacy.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update"
nosleepsis
Thank you all so much for your advice on my original post. Something very intense happened with my sister last night. I was getting anxious and was planning to just go to her house to apologize and try to move on from this. But before I could go, my mom called and asked me to come over. I was shocked to arrive and see my sister sobbing with her suitcase and daughters.
She was very distraught and still crying so we had a bit of a hard time understanding her. Eventually we figured out what happened. Apparently earlier that day when she was home her husband said something so repulsive she just left.
Before that, she was serving him a drink and walked away to clean the kitchen and do some laundry. Her oldest daughter walked in and plopped onto the couch beside her father to watch a movie. He laughed and made some stupid joke about how she should enjoy lazing around now because when she gets a husband all that’s gonna end.
My niece asked why. He pointed to my sister and said “Look at your mom for example. Great right now but we almost divorced when she neglected her ‘wifely duties'” you should just be like her now all the time and skip the drama.
That broke my sister. She packed up and left within the hour. He didn’t chase and just said she’ll be home soon. She’s still frazzled and doesn’t talk much but I’m happy she’s away from her stupid husband.
The OP also commented:
nosleepsis
Sorry if I described that weird. I meant it more as he’s a deadbeat as a father and husband. He’s a trust fund baby and has a good job so yeah he’s the one that pays most of the bills. My sister had a job for a bit after they got married but after their second daughter was born he told her to quit.
All three of the girls are at my mom’s house now. I know he does provide money but he does nothing but hold it over her head. We haven’t worked out the details but she’ll probably stay with my mom now and we’ll help her with the girls and divorce process.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
ManufacturerNo6126
Good for your sister. Support her and help her rebuild herself.
Similar-Shame7517
Poor OP's sister. I wonder if she ever realized that nothing she could have done would have made her husband fix himself? Good for your sister. Support her and Help her rebuild herself.
danuhorus
Fingers crossed that comment was when she realized it. Could not have made it more clear how little he considered her.
takeagapyear
What a piece of work. I hope BIL becomes ex-BIL quickly and as painlessly as possible.