Woman tells depressed sister to stop calling when she's panicking, 'dial 911 instead.'

Most of us want to be there for our loved ones emotionally and logistically.

But a desire to be emotionally available to support someone, and the actual ability are two different things. Sadly, it's not easy telling a loved one you can't be their rock when you want to be.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her depressed sister to stop calling her while in crisis.

She wrote:

AITA for telling my depressed sister I can't help and to call the police instead in case of an emergency?

My sister is suffering from crippling anxiety and depression. The problem is that she's been calling me a lot lately expressing she's having a panic attack or not feeling well. I tried to get her the medical attention she needed but these appointments wouldn't happen until a few days later or a week later. When she calls, she needs help in that moment.

I tried to give her some hotline numbers she could call but she says they don't answer or don't help much. I'm struggling to make ends meet right now and really can't afford to support her and I've been repeatedly telling her as much but she never listened.

So I told her the next time she feels a panic attack coming or like she's not feeling well to call 911 instead of me because I can't help and that's what I'll be doing if she calls me again, to call the police. She was very upset and questioned whether I didn't care what would happen to her custody case if it got to court that she's having mental health struggles.

Her husband she's currently divorcing is emotionally abusive so she doesn't feel at ease leaving her children with him. I told her I did care but literally unable to help her and if I could, I would. I told her again to stop calling during emergencies because I can't do anything. She said she didn't need me to do anything in particular and just be there but I told her I can't be there for her in any way, not even just listening.

She said she should just stay with her husband since everybody is treating her like a burden (referring to my other sister refusing to let her live with her after the divorce). I told her that's not what I meant (being a burden) and she got even more upset and accused me of using her and hung up.

Now I feel like a big @$$hole but for real, I can barely make ends meet and severely depressed myself and in therapy for it. So AITA for telling her not to call me during emergencies anymore?

The comment section quickly filled up with discussion.

belonephobiac wrote:

NTA. You are allowed boundaries and to protect your own mental health. She needs to find resources that will help rather than using you.

BoyoDee wrote:

NTA. She is insisting that you be an emotional support role or stand-in therapist, neither of which you are prepared for and it’s reasonable to tel her that. Some people just CANNOT handle other people’s episodes for long periods of time or even at all. I feel bad for her, as she DOES need help, but she is misdirecting and needs a lot more than what you can offer.

Prestigious-Apple425 wrote:

NTA. She calls you in a crisis and then shouts at you when you can’t give her what she needs, but what she needs is a professional to support her. It’s a hard truth that people with MH issues are lacking the ability to cope in situations that other people can cope with.

It doesn’t matter how much support you give, it’ll never fill the gap in their psyche and the danger is you start lacking the ability to manage your daily life as well- instead of one person struggling, there’s now 2. Self-care is a thing and you don’t need to feel guilty for protecting yourself.

JustALibran wrote:

NAH. I really feel for both of your struggles. You are certainly not the @$$hole for setting boundaries. Yes, she needs support but I think that should come in the form of a professional. Maybe, if you're feeling up to it, you could reach out and help her find a local therapist or counselor?

A good therapist will be equipped to handle your sister's situation, and might even prescribe medication to help with the anxiety attacks. Maybe there's even a local support group of women who also going through divorce/getting away from abusers?

Paranoia_Pizza wrote:

NAH, I feel like you've been trying your best to help and have helped a lot, but you're out of emotional bandwidth to support yourself and your sister - it's ok. You have to look after yourself first.

A heard a quote of 'a drowning man will pull you into the water to try to save themselves' and it sounds like that's what your sister is doing to you at the moment. It's not her fault either. The police aren't the appropriate ones to talk to her though. She's needs an on-call therapist or something.

OP is NTA here, but neither is her sister, it's just a difficult situation that requires a professional.