Man promised dying sister to name daughter after abusive mom, now he can't do it. WIBTA?

When a loved one is passing, it's understandable to want to do whatever you can to make them happy in their final days. Even if that means promising to name your daughter after your abusive mother.

When this man's sister was passing, she asked him to promis that if he ever had a daughter, he'd name her after their mother. His sister and mother had a great relationship, while he and his mother...not so much. Now that a baby girl is on the way, he went to Reddit to ask:

'WIBTA (would I be the a-hole) if I didn’t honor my dead sister’s wishes for my first born daughter?'

Two years ago, my sister (I’ll call her Marie) passed away. She had a myriad of health problems, and though her death was not sudden nor a surprise, our entire family was hit extremely hard. My mother especially, as they were very close.

Unfortunately, my mother was an awful person to everyone except for Marie. She was abusive to me and my other sister Anna in ways better left unsaid, but suffice to say we will have no problem throwing her in the worst, cheapest nursing home we can find once her mental state declines a bit further.

Before she passed away, Marie made it known that she would like the next girl born in our family to be named after our mother. Whether or not my mother put her up to it is something we’ll never know. Anna and I both agreed at the time, although I only did so because I didn’t have the heart to tell her no.

Now that my wife is pregnant with our daughter, and I can’t do it. I can’t honor the woman who put me through so much hell.

I spoke with Anna about it, and she told me that I’d made a promise to Marie. She said that to go back in that word would be spitting in the face of Marie’s memory, and to think of it as honoring Marie and not my mother.

I accept Anna’s logic, but emotionally I’m extremely unsure. My wife is totally on board with whatever I want to do because we’re using her all time favorite name as the first name, so we’d be using my mother’s name as a middle name if at all.

I know this is a tad above Reddit’s pay grade, but if y’all could give me some perspective that would be appreciated. AITA (am I the a-hole)?

Here's what Reddit users said:

KaliTheBlaze says

NTA (not the a-hole). That wasn’t a fair thing that your sister asked you to do. If she’d been acting as a good sister at the time, she never should have asked it. Certainly, it’s understandable that her illness and physical frailty may have clouded her judgement, and it’d probably be healthy to forgive her for that at some point if you haven’t already (and it sounds like you already have forgiven her that, OP).

You are not bound to honor your abuser, even if your sister asked you to. It’s as simple as that. You do not owe her memory something that will be painful to you, and will probably provoke pain every time it comes up. She should never have asked, and she probably wasn’t thinking clearly when she did.

Aware_Fun_1941 writes:

NTA. Your kid is a human being. Don‘t burden her with a name that is so negatively connotated for you. Also: wouldn‘t your sister be kind to you in this matter, had she lived?

No-Victory-1773 says:

NTA- In the last moments of your sister you gave her happiness , that's what matters .Now no offense but what your sister asked before leaving was a little selfish even if you take into account her situation.

jazzy3113 asked for info:

We need to know what your mom did to you to determine the right course of action.

And OP responded:

I think going into any detail would get the comment removed, but in the coldest most mod-friendly language I can offer, she emotionally, verbally, physically, and s*xually abused me to the point of permanent physical scars, and did all of the above minus the last to Anna. Marie endured medical abuse and neglect, and psychological and emotional manipulation.

This is heartbreaking no matter how you look at it. But Reddit tried to advise this man against naming his child after his mother.

The important thing is that he and Anna made Marie happy in her final moments. Reddit users felt that the name would be a burden to his daughter and she deserves her own life, regardless of what he promised his sister.