Kid calls out mom at Thanksgiving, 'you gave us up so you have nothing to say.' AITA?
"AITA for pointing out that my mom doesn’t have custody of us while sitting at the Thanksgiving table?"
MushroomPristine7174
Title makes me sound like I ruined the day on purpose but I promise I didn’t, I just didn’t know how else to put it I guess. Anyway, Me (17m) and my little brother James (9m) live with our older sister Eva (26f). James and I were removed from our mom when I was 10, and Eva did everything she could to keep my brother and I out of the system.
I think it was because she was worried we’d be separated and I know she was in foster care for a little bit when she was younger too so I guess that was another reason she didn’t want us to go in. She has guardianship of us now and the adoption process is already going through.
So today we were having a family dinner at a relatives house, and some people from our moms side of the family (aunt, uncles, cousins, etc.) were there with us. My aunt ended up making kind of a big deal out of the fact that Eva had me and James help with some of the prep for dinner. She ended up saying something like “you shouldn’t be bossing them around. They’re not your kids and you’re not their mother.”
Before anyone could respond I said “well we haven’t been your sister's kids for like seven years now so who do you think was doing her job instead?” My aunt got mad and then eventually everyone was arguing. So dinner was ruined, a few of my cousins even texted me afterwards and said so, and pretty much everyone ended up going home.
Eva told me that it’s not my responsibility to defend her, then she said she was sorry for the situation with our aunt. I feel bad because I made Eva feel bad, and because according to most of our family, I ruined the occasion with what I said.
They think that it wasn’t the place or time for me to bring up my mother’s situation, even if it was just in response to what my aunt was saying. I didn’t mean to ruin dinner or anything. But if I was out of line then I’ll apologize. I’m just posting because I want to get some unbiased perspectives from other people.
ETA: I saw a few people ask why no one in my mom's family helped my sister out when she was 19 and suddenly responsible for two kids, and honestly I don't know. Even when Eva was a kid and she was taken from our mom temporarily, our relatives were given the option to keep her out of a foster home and let her stay with them but none of them took her in.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
WelfordNelferd
NTA. Your aunt was out of line to comment on what your sister asked you to do and then she couldn't handle the truth when you spoke up. Too bad for her. Your sister is right that it wasn't your "responsibility" to defend her, but it was the right (and honorable) thing to do IMO. Congrats on your impending adoption! Your sister sounds like a gem.
The OP responded here:
MushroomPristine7174
Thanks! And yeah, she really is a gem. I can't imagine what my life would've been like if she wasn't there to fill in where our mother fell short. She's the best sister I could've ever asked for tbh, and I'm glad she'll "officially" be my parent soon.
Dittoheadforever
You're NTA. Your aunt should have stayed in her lane. She's also wrong. Why shouldn't a 17 and 9 year old contribute to the family meal? How else are you supposed to learn how to do these things? And really, as a kid I liked helping. It's better to know you're being useful that to be treated as if the adults would prefer you stay out of the way.
The OP again responded:
MushroomPristine7174
I think it's because she doesn't make her sons help with stuff like that, so she thinks it's weird that my sister has us cooking and setting the table? I really like helping too though. I don't like the idea of sitting around doing nothing while my sister and other female relatives are working their ass off in the kitchen.
pearlyraincloud
NTA not only did your Aunt instigate the whole issue by taunting your sister but you were defending an innocent party. You were really kind to defend your sister and I'm sure she know that too. If your family can't have a dinner without being rude to eachother then rushing out in anger then they don't deserve to eat together at all.
I'm sorry to hear that you had trouble with your mother and for any issues caused from that, hopefully things improve for you and your siblings, maybe try to set some healthy boundaries with the rest of the family for your own health and comfort, but no, you're not the ahole at all.
glom4ever
NTA. Your aunt brought up the situation, you just responded. Apologize to Eva for upsetting her, tell her your love her, and don't like when people are rude to her. But you should follow her lead in these situations.
Your aunt is not owed an apology, but listen to Eva on this if it makes her life easier. Eva has gone above and beyond and your other family did not take you and your brother in, so they should be quiet on this and any other conversation about who your mom is.
AureliaCottaSPQR
NTA- Is your Aunt unaware of the situation? That was a deliberate insult.
Again the OP responded:
MushroomPristine7174
Yeah my aunt is very aware of the situation, which is part of why I was so upset about the comment. I don't understand the thought process behind insulting your niece for doing what your sister couldn't.
JBB2002902
NTA. They only caused such an uproar because they know they all failed you, your brother and your sister - both that they let things get so bad you had to be removed from your mother’s care, and that they left it down to a 19 year old to step up because clearly nobody else would. They didn’t like being faced with the ugly truth.