'AITA for not wanting my step-niece in my wedding even though my nephews are?'

Excluding any family member from a wedding can cause a ripple of drama, regardless of their age.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for excluding her step-niece from her wedding. She wrote:

"AITA for not wanting my step-niece in my wedding even though my nephews are?"

Background my bio nephews are (8-10) years old. When they were 4 their parents went through a very messy divorce and as a result, I took them in for 3 years. I’m not going to go into detail but my brother became a drunk and the mom didn’t want anything to do with them so that’s why I took them in. I met my husband through the school they go to because his daughter is in the same class.

During the 3rd year, my brother got married to his wife who has a daughter with terrible manners. She is 9 so she is old enough but she is a kid who will throw a tantrum at events when it’s not about her. Eg she blew the candles on my nephew's birthday and when he cried he got reprimanded. I took them out the next day so he could blow his candles.

Keep in mind my brother still isn’t making an effort with his own kids. Towards the end of the year, he demanded to have his kids back and because of how the Court arranged it he was able to keep custody. I however still attended everything because the boys want me too. I never bonded with his wife or daughter because SIL is rude and is very passive-aggressive.

I have made efforts by inviting them to my house to bond but she ripped up my husband's daughter's favorite doll and then SIL got mad at me for reprimanding her. My wedding my daughter is going to be the only one in the wedding party as a flower girl and my nephews are the ring bearers. We have a no-kids rule so that means no step niece as I know that she will throw a tantrum at my ceremony.

The main issue is that she wants to be part of my wedding as a flower girl. My answer is no because I want my daughter to feel special. And tbh she isn’t important enough to me to want her in my wedding. Her mother is demanding that her daughter be a flower girl or my nephews won’t be taking part. That I’m hurting a child's feeling by excluding her.

It’s not that I want to exclude her it’s just that I know she is going to throw a temper tantrum the moment she knows she’s not the center of attention because no matter what she does that. I told my brother that if this happens I will cut off all financial support I have given them which he said was not fair.

Keep in mind I would be paying for a babysitter at the hotel and I have chosen a venue that’s close to a theme park so while the ceremony goes on she will be there and then my daughter and nephews will join them for the rest of the time and then go back to the hotel to go to bed and everything while the reception goes through.

Because this is a destination wedding I will be paying for my parents and brother's room and a babysitter which I think is generous and way more fun than being in a wedding which can be stressful. My brother is telling me to sort it out with SIL. And my parents understand me but told me to let it go.

My daughter wants to be the only flower girl but wants my nephews and they cried when they thought they couldn’t be apart of the wedding. Also, I’m not going to cut off financial support because that will just affect my nephews more than anyone. BTW the financial support I give is paying for school bills such as extracurriculars, tutoring and the clothes and shoes and school supplies to my nephews.

My brother has always wanted to be a girl dad so I think he just pays for general stuff but leave my nephews to fend for themselves. Also, I do have a trust fund for them to open at 18 so don’t worry about that. AITA?

The internet fully understood where OP was coming from.

Sad_Abalone_4614 wrote:

NTA. Your wedding. Your decision. It doesn't seem like you have a connection with her and if her behavior is as awful as you say, then I wouldn't want her involved either. Hopefully, your brother does the right thing and doesn't take the opportunity away from his sons. His wife and step-daughter are not entitled to a say in your wedding.

Ok-Context1168 wrote:

NTA. I say that if your nephews can't attend, stop financial support and that you won't pay for any of them to attend. End of story.

INFO: Is there a way you can get legal visitation through the courts? It's crazy that he can abandon his kids for 3 years and the courts just decided to give them full custody.

OP responded:

They were court-appointed to me but know that he has quite drinking he can have them back. At 16 they can choose I think but I really hope the relationship between them improves so it doesn’t happen.

rewind73 wrote:

NTA, You're in a very difficult situation and I really feel for those boys. Your brother and SIL really sound awful. It's kinda up to you whether to bite the bullet and just let your niece into the wedding, it could be an empty threat, but I can see people like SIL being vindictive and the kids getting in the middle of it, sometimes you have to choose your battles.

valkyrieway wrote:

Definitely NTA, but every time I read something like this, I’m really glad my husband and I eloped.

OP is NTA here, this is just a bad situation all around.