'AITA for proposing to my GF at a wedding with the bride and groom's permission?' UPDATE
"AITA for proposing at a wedding?"
"when I asked what was wrong she said she felt weird about me proposing at her sisters wedding, that it just felt wrong"
Here's the original post:
I know it sounds bad but hear me out, I'll try to keep this short. So me and my (now) fiancée have been together for 6 years and about the last year we've been discussing more about getting married and she wanted it to still be a surprise and said she'd be happy with however and whenever I did. But I'll admit I'm terrible at surprises and coming up with ideas like this but I still wanted her to love it.
So for context she and her sister are basically best friends (1 year age difference if that matters) and she's marrying (married) one of my best mates so we're all close and do things together a lot. A few months ago while their planning was still going on I sat them both down and asked if I could propose during the reception, but that I 100% understood if they said no because it was their day after all.
They immediately said it was a great idea and were excited for it, SIL loved the idea because their family would already be there too (I even offered to pay half the reception bill but they refused, I still gave them something as a second wedding gift anyway) and over the next few months we talked here and there about how it'd be done and decided it'd be done during the bouquet toss (cheesy I know)
And all the bridesmaids were in on it because most are mutual friends. The wedding was yesterday and we didn't see a lot of each other because of MOH and groomsmen duties. Everything went off without a hitch and it was time for the bouquet toss and the girls gathered, SIL pretended to go and throw it but turned around and handed it to her instead.
She turned around to me with a confused look but saw me on my knee with a ring pop (sounds dumb but its an inside joke between us) in my hands and laughed through her tears, obviously she said yes and the rest of the night went great. However when we woke up this morning she was acting very weird and distant and when I asked what was wrong she said she felt weird about me proposing
at her sisters wedding, that it just felt wrong like she stole her sisters day. I explained that she was very obviously in on it and was excited about the idea and encouraged it, but she said it still felt weird and left to work. I haven't heard much from her today since. Did I do something wrong?
What do you think? Did he screw this up? This is what top commenters had to say:
DinaFelice said:
NAH. The taboo is proposing at someone else's event without their permission. You had permission, therefore, not an AH. But your fiancée is allowed to feel weird about it... We can't control our feelings, therefore feelings can never make you an AH. Hopefully, you can talk it out and get on the same page. (Maybe she needs to hear from her sister that it really didn't feel like stealing)
nanimal77 said:
NAH. It was a pretty big day for her; she watched her sister get married, celebrated with her family, and ended the night with a surprise engagement. She may just be overwhelmed and overthinking. Give her some time.
Ill-Rush6002 said:
Well, I read the title and I wanted to say YTA. But then I read the story and still want to say YTA. But a light one. Not because you proposed at a wedding w/o permission, but because you proposed at a wedding. It is so much trouble to find an occasion for yourselves alone to propose?
Proposing at a wedding is for people who are too lazy to come up their own ideas. A proposal doesn’t have to be lavish or expensive. But don’t do it at a wedding.
BentBent12 said:
YTA. No one wants to be proposed to at someone else’s wedding. Even if the bride and groom give permission. Instead of making it special you just tagged onto someone else’s big day. Like you were too lazy to come up with something yourself.
Malphael said:
YTA. Never propose at someone else's wedding. Even if the Bride, the Groom, both their parents, the Priest, the Mayor, the Governor, the President of the United States, the entire UN and Jesus Christ himself all consent.
Mansardonfire said:
YTA with a caveat. Proposing at the wedding was ok only because you had permission. BUT it didn't just detract from her sister's day, you detracted from your fiancee's potential moment as well. The ring pop could have been cute if you had an ACTUAL ring to back it up but you didn't. It all comes across as really lazy.
You couldn't be bothered to plan something just for her, couldn't be bothered to just pick a ring (after 6 years you still have no idea what she likes?) Doing things in such a public way but then doing it so half-assed is just kind of embarrassing considering 90 percent of the guests there were not in on the joke. Plus doing things so publicly puts a lot of pressure on her for a yes that maybe she wasn't fully ready for.
Verdict: YTA/NAH.
He later shared this small update on the situation:
She came home and we talked. I was definitely a dunce about the wedding thing but she said she still loved it because her family was there and after talking to her sister as well she didn't feel so guilty. She explained that it wasn't until afterward she realized she wasn't actually ok with a public proposal like she originally thought and we had talked about, she was just hit with a lot of feelings.
We basically apologized to each other for a few things that even through all our talks we hadn't actually talked about and led to assumptions. I made the dinner I had already planned for us and did my proper proposal to her with my whole speech. Overall everything ended well and communication is key, even after 6 years together we're still learning new things.