Bride asks sister to not 'come out' to homophobic grandparents at wedding, sister cries.

While the world has become more progressive about LGBTQ+ rights in some ways, there's still a lot of deep-seeded homophobia. For a lot of people, coming out to family can be a make-or-break moment where they're either accepted with loving arms, or cruelly rejected. And when the family splits between these two reactions, it can get really complicated.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for asking her queer sister to not come out to their grandparents at her wedding.

She wrote:

AITA? I asked my sister not to come out as queer to our grandparents at my wedding. She’s already out to the rest of the fam.

Some context: my sister has found her identity later in life (40s) and as of 6 months ago, came out as queer. She’s in a very serious relationship (moved herself and her two children in with new partner after a couple of months, and they are now engaged) with the first person she dated when she came out and joined the queer apps.

Historically, my sister has a tendency to move into relationships at this speed, sometimes quicker. They usually end when she realizes she didn’t know the person well enough before marrying/moving in with them and makes vows to not move so quickly the next time. So, the gender is different this time around but the timeline is about the same.

She is out to our immediate family, including aunts and uncles. We come from a SCARY conservative Christian fundamentalist family, and they have reacted…exactly as expected. It’s heartbreaking but not surprising. The only members of the family who don’t know are my elderly grandparents who are also incredibly conservative and homophobic.

My feelings about them are complicated because of their views, but I still give a fk about them. My sister let me know tonight that she will not lie to anyone at my wedding weekend, and my grandparents are bound to find out.

My mother’s one request when my sister came out to them was that she not share this part of herself with my grandparents (who my sister sees maybe once every other year.) When my sister told me she’s planning on coming out to my grandparents at my wedding, I point-blank asked her not to.

I am the only member of our family who celebrated her coming out and have maintained a regular relationship with her. I just want this one weekend to not be centered around her identity as a queer person, and instead to just be as peaceful and fun as it possibly can be. Almost every convo I have with family ends up with me defending and affirming her identity.

I don’t say this to say she owes me, but to communicate that most of mine/my fiancé’s engagement period has been centered around the conflict between them.

When I asked her to just chill for the wedding and that she lie/omit to my grandparents for the weekend (her fiancé is working that weekend and won’t be attending) she cried and said that she’s done bearing the burden of hiding who she is and if she comes out she comes out.

She said that my grandparents were part of the people that forced her to hide who she is so she doesn’t give AF if they are upset about it. I just want this one weekend to not be centered on her. I feel like asking this automatically marks me as a bigot, and yet I stand by this one request. One weekend in my life that is about celebrating me/my fiancé. Am I the @$$hole?

Unsurprisingly, people had a lot to say about this post.

Astracy wrote:

NTA. Not her wedding, not her spotlight, not her place to blow s#$t up. Please tell her to arrange another appropriate time to come out to your grandparents. She is not limited to only your wedding to meet them right?

One-Poop-Man wrote:

NTA.

Your wedding isn't an appropriate time for this. She's forty years old, she should know better. The fact she doesn't would be enough for me to uninvited her because I wouldn't be able to trust them.

MorphineK wrote:

Why can't she inform them she is queer prior to your wedding if she wants them to know? I'm gonna go with NTA. It's your wedding day, you don't want family drama taking away from the day and that is understandable.

I think you should talk to your sister about telling your grandparents about it all before the wedding so there isn't a scene or fight during your reception. The fact that your sister WANTS to tell them at your wedding knowing it will upset them, would make me rethink having her at the wedding if it were my sibling.

IndividualSound5365 wrote:

Nope NTA. In fact, considering that you very much support her when the rest of the family doesn’t, it makes me angry on your behalf that she refuses to not cause a big scene at your wedding, in fact it almost seems like she wants to use your wedding occasion to get on her soapbox and sing her queerness to the masses.

The problem is, your wedding is about you and your (soon to be) husband, not about her and she needs to understand this. There’s nothing bigoted about wanting your wedding day not to be about the public affirmation your sister’s sexuality.

If she really wants your grandparents to know, she should go to see them and tell them beforehand, not use your wedding to make a statement. There’s a time and a place for everything and your wedding is not the occasion. Good luck and I hope she doesn’t ruin your day.

P.S. Apparently, according to my gay children, queer relationships move at quadruple speed in comparison to straight relationships, so it’s not uncommon to move towards getting engaged or married in double quick time, so please don’t worry about the speed of her relationship’s progression.

JustheBean wrote:

NTA at all!

I say this as a queer person, she’s being a total AH about this. It’s your wedding.

Anything that significantly draws attention away from the couple is completely inappropriate for a wedding. You don’t get engaged at someone’s wedding. You don’t announce a pregnancy at someone’s wedding. And you don’t come out at someone’s wedding either. Point blank.

OP is definitely NTA here, the real AHs are the homophobic relatives.