Bride ghosts bridesmaid after she accuses her of 'emotional manipulation.' AITA? + Update
When this bride is weirded out by her childhood friend at her wedding, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for ignoring my childhood friend after her weird behavior surrounding my wedding?"
I (29, F) got married recently. I had been planning my wedding for a long time and had 10 bridesmaids as I did not want to leave any of my closest friends or cousins out. I did not want it to be financially draining for anyone so bought all their bridesmaid’s dresses.
One of my childhood best friends (let’s cal her Lea) was also my bridesmaid. I had switched three flights to be there for her wedding and then return just the day after as I was not able to take time off work but did all my bridesmaids duty and maid sure I was there for her wedding no matter what.
But when it came for the time of my wedding she wasn’t getting very involved in the planning but would leave random messages to me from time to time to show her excitement.
I just assumed that she was really busy and did not think much of it. I was a bit shocked and hurt when she did not show up for my bachelorette.
My sister and my MOH told me that she had asked each and everyone of my bridesmaids about their date of convenience and budget before planning my bachelorette and Lea had confirmed her presence but dropped out last minute saying she had an important work meeting.
I believed her till I found out that she was actually out on a cousins trip on the same date. This really pissed me off and I confronted her. She never gave a proper explanation and just became really defensive.
I left the matter there as I did not want to ruin my wedding and chose to give her the benefit of the doubt. I had a grand music night a day before my wedding. She was there for it and everything seems normal.
The next day in the morning when I called all my bridesmaids to my room for the final bridal entry practice, I found out that Lea had already left because she needed to attend another wedding. I was very upset.
I was anyway in the bridal mode and it really effected my mood. I also had to make some last minute changes to the bridal entry. Later when I confronted her after the wedding, she wasn’t apologetic at all.
She simply told me that she had to also attend her husband’s cousins wedding and since she was already there for one wedding related event it shouldn’t be a big deal that she missed my actual wedding since I would anyway be busy on the day of my wedding and wouldn’t get time to interact with anyone.
I asked her why she did not tell me earlier, I wouldn’t have bought her the bridesmaid dress and wouldn’t have planned things keeping her in mind. She said that she did not want to upset me and thought it’s best if she leaves without telling anyone so that she is not “emotionally manipulated” into staying.
Since then I have been avoiding her. I had a lot of love for her but I just feel so betrayed that all the love seems to have evaporated. Some people things that I am being petty and I should just forgive her. So, AITA?
OP also offers these three updates:
UPDATE 1: I had actually sent her a message asking her to return the dress but I then deleted it before she read it for the fear of making it ugly.
It’s not just about money but a part of me just feels that she doesn’t deserve that dress as it was a gift for my bridesmaids and since she was not there, she doesn’t deserve it but if I ask for the dress back, it’s just the a petty gesture because there is nothing that I can do with it now.
UPDATE 2: So Lea is also friends with Alex and his sister as we are all kind of childhood friends but Lea had actually told me that Alex’s sister was overreacting when she did not respond to my wedding invite so I never thought that that incident would effect my equation with Lea. But now that you bring it up, I really don’t know anymore.
UPDATE 3: I will be honest here. If she would have come clean about it in the beginning, I would have definitely felt bad and would have definitely taken a mental note of the fact that the friendship isn’t as important to her as it is to me.
But I would have still understood and would have been nice and cordial with her throughout life. I would have appreciated her honesty. One of my other bridesmaids could not attend because of genuine reasons and the first day she told me not to make her the bridesmaid because she is not sure that she would be able to attend it but she still tried her best and kept me posted.
I still brought her the dress and told her that she I will make space for her if she can make it because her reasons were genuine and she was honest. I am attending her wedding next month being one of her bridesmaids and I absolutely have no resentment towards her.
But I agree, I have zero tolerance when people pretend. I would have probably lost my shit with Lea if she tried to beat around the bush and not sound apologetic. Maybe that’s something I need to work on. And I will.
boyodee writes:
NTA, if anything you are being too mild. Someone else already said it, but I’ll repeat it, I believe you got used. You covered her expenses including the dress and she completely flaked without a word of notice. If it were me I’d be asking her to compensate whatever was spent on her back and then consider the friendship over.
yetisi writes:
NTA who said forgive and why? It’s not like you’re attacking her, you just don’t want to associate with her anymore. Why do they care so much? She ditched your wedding at the last minute without telling anyone.
That’s not the sort of person you keep close or trust to be there when you need friend support. That’s the sort of person you make sure not to trust with anything important.
Why do they think you need to go back to being close friends with this person? Would they really continue to trust someone that did that at their own wedding? Just cut her off and move on.
Don’t let her live rent free in your mind. Anyone who says that her behavior was no big deal, I’d consider putting some distance there as well as I’d question their ideas of what it means to be a close friend
fallout3 writes:
NTA and it honestly sounds like she’s using you a little bit. You bought her a free dress and to thank you for it she decided not to even attend your wedding while wearing it.
This does not sound like a friendship worth sustaining if you are the only one putting in effort while she doesn’t seem to care at all about supporting you.
She’s also being extremely manipulative by painting herself as the victim here, claiming she would’ve been “emotionally manipulated” to stay at the wedding she was chosen to be a major part of. It’s time to cut ties with this woman and move on to better friends.
boyordee writes:
NTA. I'd say to the others that it's not petty to expect her at a wedding she's agreed to go to and been paid for to attend by someone else months in advance. That you took three flights to attend hers, and she couldn't even tell you in advance she'd be ditching your wedding on the same day, despite knowing she'd be doing so.
It did add a sour note to your wedding in the end, and that she hasn't actually apologised or tried to pay you back for the dress, so you'll carry on avoiding her until that is resolved. Ultimately she let you down badly and without redress there is no relationship.