Bride doesn't tell husband her brother 'self-medicated' to get through wedding, he's hurt.
When it comes to managing social anxiety, everyone has different needs.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not telling her husband about her brother's mental state at their wedding. She wrote:
"AITA for not telling my husband my brother was h!gh at our wedding?"
I (26F) have a brother (24M) Who has for the lack of a better word a lot of mental issues. I won't get into any detail, but he struggles with being around strangers, and by that I mean if he has to talk to the delivery man he will have a panic attack. The only people he's okay being around is family members he has known ever since he was a kid, including me and his fiance (26M).
But even with that if there's more than 3 of us he'll have a panic attack. This is something my entire family is concerned about and yes, he's getting therapy and help for this, he knows this is a problem and he's dealing with it like a champ. Onto the actual story.
I got married a few months ago, my family comes from the Caucasus mountains and even though we now live in the US and my husband's family is of different origin, my family arranged a huge wedding. It basically went as is: during the actual wedding ceremony there'd only be close friends and family members. But during the feast/party after the vows all the guests would arrive.
We knew my brother wouldn't be able to handle the party part so he'd only be attending the more secluded wedding ceremony. My brother was ecstatic for my wedding and thought he'd be able to attend the ceremony since he had been doing great in therapy.
But a few hours before the wedding my brother's fiance called me saying my brother was extremely nervous and probably if he even set foot in that wedding ceremony he'd have a panic attack, he basically asked me something along the lines off "is it okay if he's h!gh during the wedding?"
(My brother has a medical card for m@rijuana for stuff like this). Though I was upset I knew it wasn't my brother's fault so I said as long as he didn't smell like w**d it would be fine. During the wedding ceremony, he thankfully didn't smell like weed but was very calm and was even able to attend the party. He didn't necessarily seem high either. He didn't really talk to anyone, so no one noticed.
But this was also his first time meeting my husband and he was ashamed that he literally had to be h$%h to meet his brother-in-law, so I didn't tell my husband about it, I knew my brother would be ashamed and embarrassed and it wasn't my place to say anything, but my mom did know. A few days ago while we were talking she (my mother) cracked a joke about it in front of my husband.
My husband was confused and my mom straight up told him about my brother being h%gh at my wedding. After my mom left my husband was pissed with me, he didn't mind that my brother was h#@h at all, if that's what he needed to do he didn't mind, he's angry at me because I didn't tell him and that I even though he'd judge my brother in the first place.
This is in no way marriage ending before some people's overreact in the comments, he's just been pissed at me. So Reddit, AITA?
Redditors were overall very supportive.
wall2k4 wrote:
NAH. If your brother wasn’t being disruptive, there was no reason to immediately make note of it. You maybe could have told your hubby after the fact so he had a little context. Your husband likely feels like that was something he should have known because maybe he would have approached your brother differently or something. Sounds like nothing bad happened to anyone so it’ll blow over.
no_rxn wrote:
NTA. Does your husband need to know the medication of every guest taken at the wedding? If your brother wasn't sharing his private medical issues with your husband at the moment, or how he was medicating them, what right do you have to spread that information? Your brother doesn't lose a right to privacy just because you become married.
"I knew my brother would be ashamed and embarrassing and it wasn't my place to say anything." You're right. He wasn't h*gh for recreational use. He was h*%h from a medical need. Is your brother even okay with your mom cracking jokes? It seems very callous considering how sensitive this topic is for him.
Kudos on you and your SIL for helping your brother take steps forward. Be careful with your husband's reaction spreading too far. If it gets back to your brother that your husband is angry at you over the situation, He's probably going to feel unnecessary guilt and make his next interaction with your husband even more difficult.
TheatreWolfeGirl wrote:
NAH. There is still a HUGE stigma around the use of marijuana, and even those who you think might be comfortable with someone’s use, even medically, can suddenly show/tell you they are not ok with it.
Couple that with the stigma on mental health, and a double whammy for men, as society expects them to always be “strong and unemotional” which needs to be addressed, but not here. I can fully understand your reluctance to not share your brother’s health concerns nor his use of cann@bis, even though he uses medical grade.
What I am worried about, and this isn’t on you, but something you do need to think about, are two things:
That your mother was joking about your brother’s mental health in such a nonchalant way that she informed your husband about your brother’s medical use of cannabis.
Why was your mother discussing this so openly? Have you discussed your brother’s medical history before? Does she often discuss without him being around?
2. Your husband and his overreaction. I personally feel he is overreacting to this. Would he react the same way had your brother been taking pills for anxiety?
I would suggest a good heart-to-heart conversation with him, listen and hear each other. He shouldn’t be offended that you chose to not disclose another person’s medical history. Would he be ok if you did the same with regards to him? Is he the type to discuss someone’s mental health with others?
Is this a possible reason as to why your brother did not meet him prior to the wedding? Surely your husband had some idea as to why he wasn’t around? Your choice came from a good place OP, your heart.
I am sure your brother would appreciate your discretion and that you considered him and his feelings first. Hopefully, your husband will calm down and understand that too. All the best OP.
noteasilyphased wrote:
NTA, it's your bro. I would've kept it to myself as well and not made a stink over something on a day that is supposed to be about you and your husband, not about your brother and his drugs. Plus, if your husband had that info then, what was he going to do with the info?
OP is definitely NTA, but at the end of the day, neither is her husband. The most important thing is that OP's brother was able to attend the wedding.