'AITA for not wanting to be part of my stepmother's family wedding tradition?'
"AITA for not wanting to be part of my stepmother's family wedding tradition?"
So my stepmother has this tradition her family does regarding weddings where all the sisters wear the same piece from a family member's wedding outfit. Typically it's something from your mother or grandmother's wedding.
My stepmother and all her sisters wore their mother's veil. Stepmother's nieces by her older sister all wore their mother's wedding pearls. You get the picture. I'm engaged. My stepmother sat me, my stepsister and half sister down to discuss what our item would be. I told her I was planning to wear something of my mom's and that would be all the extra's I would go with.
She told me it was an important tradition to continue. I told her it was nice of her to think of me but it wasn't my tradition. She then said the simple answer would be let them wear the necklace when their wedding days come around.
They thought that was a great idea and said if it was the piece they were thinking it was, it was the most beautiful thing ever and they'd love to wear it. I said that wasn't going to happen. That it was a piece of my mom I could have during my wedding since I can't have her.
My not wanting to do this tradition has caused some arguing. My step and half sister were upset I wouldn't do it with them. My stepmother is upset that I don't want to embrace a tradition from her family. The tradition has no interest to me at all. And I would never share something of my mom's with my step or half sister.
My dad tried to talk me into it. He told me it would mean so much and would I not like to finally feel like they are just my mom and sister's instead of having step and half in front of their titles. I told him no. I have a mom. And her being dead doesn't change that or mean I need to see someone else as my mom too.
My stepmother told me she has always tried to make me a true part of her family, a true daughter, and I'm an asshole for rejecting that as an adult when it doesn't just hurt her, but my 'sisters' as well. AITA for not wanting to do this/turning it down?
Here's what people had to say:
NTA but do you normally have a good relationship with your Step-mother? If you do, I wonder if you’d be willing to recommend wearing family earrings or a bracelet.
Almost_Sun222 OP responded:
I don't have that good of a relationship with her. Never had. I know my mother wouldn't have wanted them to have anything of hers. I know that she would have turned them down if they had asked to wear something of her's to their weddings.
My mom was still alive when my dad married my stepmother and she and my stepsister became part of my life. So she had time to consider some things and had some fears due to stuff that was going on back then.
INFO How long has your step mother been in your life? Are you close with her and your step sister?
Almost_Sun222 OP responded:
She has been in my life technically since I was 6. But my mom died when I was 10 and I lived primarily with her back then. I was never close with them. A little better with them now than I was as a kid but I wouldn't consider us close.
NAH. i think it goes deeper. do you have resentment towards your dad for moving on? maybe the time he waited or didn't wait. you don't seem very receptive to SM and your "sisters". Like you don't like them at all since you said you'd never let them have something of your mom. I'd work on that because it's probably a hidden or not so much pain you have.
Almost_Sun222 OP responded:
My parents were divorced and dad was already married to her when my mom died. So nothing about moving on too fast or anything. But we're not the brady bunch either. Not even close to it.
NTA!! the second wife and her child want to wear YOUR dead mom's jewelry?? that's creepy.
Almost_Sun222 OP responded:
She wants her daughters to wear it during their weddings in the future. She's not asking to wear it herself.
NTAH it’s your moms necklace why would they want to wear it?
Almost_Sun222 OP responded:
To keep the tradition going of sisters wearing the same thing at their weddings. Plus because it's pretty and they know that.
peppervl writes:
Definitely NTA for not wanting to make your mom's necklace the item that you all wear, but I don't understand why you're so adamantly against wearing something of your stepmom's too that your stepsisters could also wear.
Wearing something small like a bracelet or hair clip would be meaningful in a different way than wearing your mom's necklace. And it could be your 'something borrowed' as well. (And then your mom's necklace is your 'something old' so it's part of that tradition too.)
jambomo disagrees:
YTA - not for not sharing your mums necklace but for your horrible attitude towards your step-mum and step-sisters.
People online have some weird doormat approach to step-parents that they should look after you and be kind but never expect you to acknowledge or thank them in any way.
In the real world sure you don’t have to acknowledge someone who has cared and looked after you for years, you don’t have to acknowledge their traditions or wear a small thing for them, but it does make you a massive AH.