Bride wants specific flower girl; brother is shocked when she doesn't pick his daughter. AITA?
When this bride upsets her whole family leading up to her wedding, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for not letting my niece be the flower girl at my wedding?"
I (25F) am getting married next month. My brother and SIL have a 5 year old daughter, Emma. They assumed Emma would automatically be the flower girl in my wedding.
The issue is thta I have asked my best friend's daughter Hannah (6F) to be the flower girl instead. Hannah's mom is my maid of honor and she is like family to me.
When I told my brother and SIL that Hannah will be the flower girl, they got really upset. They said I'm choosing friends over family and breaking their little girl's heart by not giving her this special role.
I tried to explain that I've known Hannah her whole life too and it's a sweet full circle moment to have her in the wedding. We have a very sepcial connection that I don't have like this with Emma, even though I love Emma too.
But my brother said I'm a selfish aunt and setting a bad precedent in our family. Now they don't want Emma involved at all.
My parents think I should have just let both girls be flower girls to keep the peace. Which I thought was a cool idea and I initially didn't think of that.
When I told my brother and SIL that this would be great, they declined and said they don't want her to do it anymore at all. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
fuzzymom2005 writes:
NTA. I hate the "keep the peace" bullying. It only means your feelings mean nothing and the other party's feelings mean everything. The suggestion of 2 flower girls was fine until the "to keep the peace" crap.
Your brother was out of line trying to dictate who should be in your wedding party. And his little temper tantrum now is even more out of line. My suggestion is stop trying to smooth anything over.
You did nothing wrong. You don't owe him any apology. You don't have to go running after him begging him to ket your niece be in the wedding, or for them to come, or anything. Just say "well, sorry you feel that way" and continue on with your wedding. As for anyone else trying to push this. Tell them: "they made their choice. Leave it alone."
necessary1720 writes:
I'm torn because it is very much your choice and they were definitely too pushy. Should not have told their daughter about it before you asked them, and should have accepted the no (even if that meant viewing you differently).
But it does feel odd that you didn't think to make them both flower girls or think of another role on your own. That seems like such an obvious solution to have them both do it.
And tbh it doesn't seem like a good call to tell your brother you love this other girl more than your neice (or that you're closer to her or however you phrased it).
It seems like you used this as a justification but my guess is the whole reason your brother was hurt in the first place is he feels that your neice isn't special to you. And it kinda feels like you confirmed that by saying you have a more special bond with your friends daughter.
Idk if you're an asshole but i don't get the impression you love your neice very much. And if your brother feels that too then I can't completely blame him for being hurt. I think I'll say ESH cause I think all parties could've done a bit better.
wammasee7 writes:
ESH. You brother/SIL suck for jumping to the assumption that Emma would be the flower girl. From your post I can’t tell if they already told Emma she would be the flower girl, or they just think she will be broken hearted when she finds out she isn’t/sees another little girl in this special role at her auntie’s wedding.
You suck for not anticipating this or thinking about your family’s feelings in advance. It’s very common to have young nieces as flower girls, if you choose to have one. If Emma is your only niece, and even more so if your fiancé doesn’t have nieces, I can see why it would be hurtful to include a friend’s kid but not your niece.
Did it even occur to you that you could have two flower girls until your mom suggested it? What is your overall relationship with your brother and Emma like? Do you live nearby/see them regularly?
Do you make an effort to have a connection with Emma at all? Or is Hannah your “chosen niece” and you haven’t made an effort to build a relationship with Emma the same way, which could be seen as an overall slight.