Man skips brothers wedding for tennis tournament; says, "I already committed." AITA?

If you're going to be Best Man in a wedding, it's pretty important that you attend the wedding itself. However, if the wedding couple doesn't plan far enough in advance, or genuinely check in with the wedding party about scheduling, the no-brainer of being available can get complicated very quickly.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for missing his brother's wedding for a tennis tournament.

He wrote:

AITA for skipping my brother's wedding to play in a tennis tournament?

So I (26M) play in a lot of adult tennis leagues in the area I live in. If your team wins the league you get to go to a big tournament later in the year at a big tennis complex in the middle of the state. A men’s team I was on won our league two weeks ago, and the big tournament is in four months. In order to play at this tournament you need at least 6 players to be able to make it.

Of the 9 people on my team 6 including me have said they can make it, while the other 3 can’t make it for various reasons, so we have just enough. Four months ago my brother (24M), got engaged to his fiancé (23F). I was super happy for them and when he asked me to be his best man I of course accepted. They don’t want to wait too long and almost immediately started wedding planning.

They plan to just have a small ceremony with close family and friends. Last week my brother told me they were finalizing a date after much delay and mentioned 3 dates on 3 separate weekends the same month I have my tournament, one of which was the weekend of my tournament.

I told my brother that I already had plans that weekend and that the other two would be better, though I understood it was their wedding. He sounded like he understood but three days ago he announced to everyone attending that the wedding would be on the weekend of my tournament. I asked him privately why they picked that date, and all he said was “it felt like the right date” to his fiancé.

The wedding and tournament are not close to each other at all so I can’t attend both. After thinking about it for the last two days I told my brother yesterday that I can’t make his wedding. I had already committed to my teammates and if I didn’t go no one could, since we wouldn’t have enough guys.

My brother was very upset, and called me various names and said he couldn’t believe I would miss his big day. He told my parents and now they along with a bunch of other relatives are giving me grief for my decision. So AITA? I feel really bad and want to be there but I also did commit to the tournament first and don’t want to let everyone on my team down.

Unsurprisingly, this post inspired a lot of passionate responses.

bhill595 wrote:

NTA. It was a preexisting event. You told your brother. He planned it on that date anyways. If he really wanted you there, wouldn’t he plan the wedding around it since you had already committed to the tennis tournament?

Voidg wrote:

NTA. You have made a commitment to your team. I would recommend trying to find a replacement if possible. However you did notify your brother you had an event that weekend. He choose the date with that knowledge. If he really wanted you there he would have picked the next weekend.

I get a wedding is a big deal and moment in someone's life but he choose that day knowing you had a prior commitment. It would be one thing if they had a reason for that besides...'that day felt right.'

PracticalPrimrose wrote:

Definitely thought I’d be a Y T A vote. But here we are - NTA. You told him about which date didn’t work. The entire point of asking people about the date, when you really want them attendance of your wedding, and in your wedding party, is to ensure the date actually works with their schedule!

Fiancé sounds like a piece of work.

ETA: Several people in this thread have mentioned that the OP just said the other weekends would be better, and therefore didn’t imply that he was actually busy…

“Bro I have a tournament/plans this weekend so the other two weekends would be better”

That wording allows the OP to figure out if he’s willing to skip the tournament for his brothers wedding should I come down to that or not. Which in the moment kind of makes sense. As a brother you can decide: do I want to put my wedding against my brothers current plans or not.

twilightswimmer wrote:

I'm not sure that you're the @$$hole, but I do think that, right or wrong or indifferent, you'll regret this for the rest of your life. Think about the relationship you want with your brother and his family in the future. The tennis team might be upset, but...there are three others who also can't go. It's not all on you.

There was always a chance your team wouldn't go. So what's more important to you? Letting down your team or your brother? I don't think there's really a right or wrong answer. Disappointment will happen either way.

PuffinTown wrote:

Surprised by the Y T As, given this sub’s usual stance of “a wedding invitation is not a summons.”

Brother and fiancé get to plan a wedding on short notice. They get to pick their date without regard for the schedules of anyone else. But…it’s not fair to demand that someone skip a pre-planned event after they knowingly chose to have the wedding at a conflicting time.

It’s not about prioritizing his hobby, it’s about choosing not to let down 5 friends who worked hard towards an achievement. Obviously, a wedding is a bigger deal than a hobby, but it is really weird to choose a date when the best man is unavailable.

KissingerCorpse wrote:

'Of the 9 people on my team 6 including me have said they can make it, while the other 3 can’t make it for various reasons, so we have just enough.'

YTA

your brother gets married once,

you're not John McEnroe.

Clearly, the internet can't agree, which means we need you to weigh in with your own verdicts.