Woman throws childfree wedding, brother says 'If your nieces can't come, neither will I.'

Childfree weddings have become more and more common as people grapple with the rising costs of wedding arrangements, as well as the simple fact that it's harder to party if you're worried about children getting into the rum punch.

However, just because they've become more common, doesn't mean they're conflict-free. A lot of people still take offense to the concept of a childfree wedding, especially if it means their children are excluded from a family event.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her brother he can't come to the wedding if he brings the kids.

She wrote:

AITA for telling my brother he cannot come to my wedding?

I (32F) and my fiance (30M) are getting married in three months. We've done some major and minor planning, including rules. We specifically want NO kids at the wedding. My brother (35M) and I have always been close we've gotten through a lot together, he has two amazing kids (2 and 3), I couldn't be any happier to be their aunt.

Their mother has had issues with substance abuse so she isn't in their lives, my brother raises the kids by himself, which is convenient because he has an at-home job. Me and my fiance decided we did not want any kids at our wedding because we were going to be drinking, partying, and other stuff I personally wouldn't want kids to be around.

We've also had struggles trying to have children of our own, and I recently had a miscarriage in February. The miscarriage was devastating, of course, my brother was there to comfort me but the sight of my nieces shattered me even more, I asked him to not bring them around me for a while.

He didn't respond to that well and stopped visiting me at all, he said via text messages 'If your own nieces cannot come, neither will I.' My fiance said it was okay to ask for no kids to be around, but my parents were frustrated. They also stopped visiting me.

I eventually sent out invitations to all my loved ones, the card had all the details including the bolded 'NO KIDS.' Majority of family was okay with that and didn't have young kids anyway. My brother on the other hand was going to be in my wedding, but once he read the invitation he sent me a text stating, 'Wouldn't your nieces make great flower girls, going but dresses now.'

I replied saying, 'No need, they cannot come inside my wedding, no hard feelings.' He then said, 'It shouldn't apply to them, they are family, what color should they get, blue or silver?' I then replied, 'None, if you feel like you cannot be separated from your children for a couple of hours then you cannot come to my wedding, my rules are clear and final on the invitation.'

I blocked my brother after that. I have nonstop been getting text after text, call after call, begging me to talk to my brother and allow my nieces to come, my own parents have stated that until my nieces and brother are allowed at my wedding, they will not be there.

Parents and childfree people alike swooped in with their thoughts.

RO489 wrote:

YTA, not for no kids, but for how you’ve communicated. I think a child-free wedding would’ve gone down a lot better without the months of ignoring them beforehand. I’m not sure if there’s missing details, but it felt like your communication style is really abrupt. Maybe English isn’t your first language and something is being lost in translation.

I’m just going to say that you get to choose your priorities and boundaries, but you don’t get to choose how others react. Your relationship with your brother may be irreparable, and you might really regret that if you do have children in the future who never get to know their cousins.

JeepNaked wrote:

Hopefully your wedding is everything you had hoped for without your parents and sibling there.

YTA.

WolverineOwn3 wrote:

Your wedding your rules, so NTA. But not being the AH doesn't mean you are being dumb. Sounds like your brother has always been there for you and now you are going to have a wedding without your family. It's a dumb hill to kill relationships over.

MarylovesRhoda wrote:

NTA as others have said having a a kid-free wedding is your choice. However, I think your brother is seeing this as a continuation of your asking him not to bring your nieces over following the miscarriage. The two issues have been conflated, so it appears that you don’t want them around you at all.

You need to have a conversation with your brother (and parents) that you love him and love your nieces and believe he’s an amazing parent. And you do want them around you. However, a kid-free wedding had already been the decision prior to the miscarriage because you want the opportunity to celebrate with the wonderful adults in your life (like your brother).

Mas-Chingona wrote:

ESH. It's your wedding, your rules. If you & your fiancé say 'no kids', then 'no kids' it is. Your brother has no right to insert his children into the wedding ceremony - not yours or anyone else's. That makes him TA.

'...if you feel like you cannot be separated from your children for a couple of hours then you cannot come to my wedding, my rules are clear and final on the invitation.' I blocked my brother after that.'

And this comment right here is part of what makes you TH. Also, you say your brother supported you after your miscarriage but 'the sight of' your nieces shattered you even more, sooooo how 'bout you just keep 'em away from me, mmmmkay?

I'm so sorry you went through that and I hope you find a way forward. I also hope you understand you are pushing away your brother, with whom you've always been close, as well as your nieces. You may end up losing them forever.

Caramarie007 wrote:

I’m sorry but I feel like this is a gentle YTA. Sure YOUR wedding YOUR rules but YOU said it yourself you have always been close to your brother and couldn’t be happier to be in your very young nieces lives.

The fact that their mom seems to be the only true AH here is irrelevant but also - stable healthy role models are important for kids and it seems like up to now you have (graciously and lovingly) played a role like this for your nieces.

Totally fine to not want kids in the wedding. But to me, as a mom to 2 living children as well as having gone through both a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy, I feel like you are projecting your hurt on your nieces and brother and not only does that not seem fair, it also doesn’t seem like it has a positive end result.

Popular-Jaguar-3803 wrote:

NTA for saying no kids to your wedding. YTA on everything else. Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. You become pregnant again, and someone in your family has a miscarriage 6 months ago. Would you be upset if they tell you not to share with people of the baby? And they are upset because you are happy with your news.

I’m sorry for your loss. But people cannot put their lives on hold because life happens. Please seek counseling. How will you feel one day when his children want nothing to do with you? At all? Because you didn’t want to see them because they reminded you of what you lost. You will lose out on so much more.

It's clear that OP is NTA for wanting to have a childfree wedding, but she is TA for how she handled it and communicated with her brother. Hopefully, they can mend this rift for everyone's sake.