'AITA for cancelling my brother's wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for cancelling my brother's wedding?"

To make a novel short, my (F,27) brother (M,30) met his future wife (F, 28 - Ella) at a party three years ago. Honestly, we never got along but I always tried to put up a peaceful front because my brother seemed blissfully happy with her. Ella was mean to me a lot. Like A LOT. She would make comments about my weight, my makeup, and especially my dog.

She hated animals and hated that I would bring my lab, Toast, to my parents or my brother's house. It always just felt like something aimed to hurt me. When the two got engaged she asked me to be her MOH since she has no sisters or many girl-friends and since my brother seemed thrilled, I obliged. What I failed to realize when I accepted the role was that to her MOH meant planning the entire wedding.

Like I was booking venues, florists, jazz band, everything. Even worse she expected me to put MY credit card down for all of it. (My brother and her are not exactly well off and since I have a well-paying job I didn’t mind holding the deposits but it was starting to add up to a lot.) Every time I asked Ella about it, she would say that it would all be paid back by her parents before the wedding.

Well flash forward to last week, about three weeks before the wedding and she’s unbearable to be around. She can’t last more than a few sentences before snapping at anyone. So when I of course brought up the money, s#$t hit the fan. I asked if she had received the updated receipt of everything owed when she exploded.

She called me a whole line of terrible names but the one that stuck out was her saying “What do you need the money for anyway? Your sick dog is dead now.” My beautiful Toasty died about a month before this after he fought the bravest battle with cancer. He was my soul dog and I was devastated. I blinked at her and simply left the room, having no energy to even respond to something so cruel.

I went back to my car and after the 20 silent minute drive home, I parked the car and immediately called the vendors and cancelled any deposit under my card. Every. Single. One. After almost 20 calls, all that was left of her wedding was the dress and the flower arch. I texted my brother a short explanation.

I told him that every vendor would be contacting him if they wished to keep their services and they were now responsible for covering everything. And that I would no longer be attending. It was a matter of minutes before my phone started to explode and I just turned it off. It’s been a few days and I haven’t talked to anyone but my mom, who thankfully understands where I was coming from.

My brother has tried to call but I just feel terrible. Both about what I did and about what she said. I know what I did was extreme but I also couldn’t sit by and practically enable her cruelty anymore. I still can’t help but feel bad for ruining my brother’s big day. So I don’t know, am I the @$$hole for this?

People had a lot of thoughts about this dynamic.

logicallies wrote:

NTA. They were never going to pay you back, it’s a good thing she showed how wicked she was before you got stuck with the bill. I’m sorry about your loss. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about what you did, they shouldn’t be getting married if they don’t have the money. If her parents were going to pay they can put down their card for deposits. When you give family money, don’t ever expect to get it back.

YouthNAsia63 wrote:

Now, OP, since you probably aren’t going to the wedding, that block of time is still freed up. Why don’t you take a day or two and go someplace special. Someplace nice, just for you. You deserve it, not just to make up for the way the bride treated you, but because of the loss of your dog. NTA.

Midlife_Crisis_46 wrote:

NTA. Not even a little. First, a MOH duties do NOT include planning the whole wedding and they certainly do NOT put down all the deposits and pay for the wedding. If you ask me, it sounds 100% like they were going to stiff you for the wedding. I don’t believe for a minute her parents were paying for it.

She was using us and I can’t believe your brother can’t see the kind of person she is. And I’ll tell you what, f#$king with the memory of my dog, well those are fighting words. I guess she f#%ked around and found out.

Inner-Show-1172 wrote:

You didn't cancel the wedding. You extricated yourself from an abusive and exploitative situation. They're still free to marry, on their own thin dime. Your only possible slightly bad move was agreeing to be this witch's MOH. You were generous and hard-working, only to be rewarded with cruelty. As Maya Angelou said,

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'

disney_nerd_mom wrote:

NTA at all. She’s cruel and awful and they both suck for not paying you back. She would be dead to me and your brother too unless he came up with a breathtakingly spectacular apology. Nobody says crap about my dog and gets away with it. Thank you for standing up for Toasty and hitting the witch where it hurts. It’s the least she deserves.

What I’d like to know is just when did it become the MOH/bridesmaids job to plan the wedding? I had never heard of that until coming here to Reddit. Back in my day as MOH or bridesmaid, you tried on dresses, bought the one the bride wanted, maybe had a small little bachelorette party, walked down the aisle and helped her to the bathroom when she’s wearing her big dress. That was it.

Just a few days after the original post, OP jumped on with a major update:

First thing asked - me paying. Ella was promised a hefty wedding budget when she was younger. Between those years, and the pandemic, they had to dip into that wedding fund. In the end, Ella only got a third of what she was promised.

She insisted that most of what she had, had to go to the dress. But she would drone on about how there were so many things the wedding wouldn’t have and how it wouldn’t be the “wedding of their dreams.” It was only like a week after that my brother came up and asked if I could cover a few costs of the wedding while Ella’s parents made up the rest to pay it back.

I do make a considerable amount more and since this would by my brother's wedding too, I agreed. Stupid. I know. Second most discussed - Ella’s treatment of me. Truthfully she played the nice and loving girlfriend well to most, especially my brother. Even I thought she turned a new leaf a few times but it would never last.

Some of the comments she made wouldn’t be always outwardly mean enough for a passerby to pick up (aka my brother.) Along the lines of “oh are you sure you want to go out in that? Something looser might be more comfortable.” or “I would loan you a shirt but I don’t want it to stretch out.” Mean girl comments simply put.

She lost many friends over her crazy notion of them being jealous of her (even accusing them of being in love with my brother) She had two other bridesmaids in the wedding but they were barely close as well. Someone said it in the comments - being stuck between seeing snow white and not being able to see the evil queen within.

That’s the best way to describe her. She’s beautiful but something is rotting inside. And maybe the most asked, did they stay together? I caved and finally answered my brother last night. From what he said, they are on a “break.” My brother had picked up on a few instances of her acting questionably but hoped it was wedding stress.

He was fuming when he found out what she said. I do know she no longer has the ring. (My brother and I’s relationship is definitely going to need some repair but I think after a long communication break, and setting up better boundaries for partners and respect to siblings in the future, we should be okay.)

Also yes I did lose some money. Just as predicted, she hoped I would end up gifting the payments anyway. Ella had told my brother that she was waiting for a surprise check from her grandparents to completely pay it off. Check didn’t exist. Thankfully the no-longer-to be in laws have agreed to sell the dress to pay me back for what I did lose, instead of legal action.

Lastly, to my boy Toast. All of your sweet comments made me cry for an embarrassing amount of time lol. I hope I made him proud. There will never be a day I don’t defend that dog with everything I have. He is being lovingly remembered but his family and his little brother Crumb 🫶

People were so glad to be updated.

Shot-Spirit-672 wrote:

So many times I hear stories about someone being treated like absolute s!&t for no good reason. Usually, those stories end with the person just taking it from their abuser and serving no justice. You’re a bad@$$ tho and reading how you handled this situation was satisfying af. The world needs more people like you.

Dangerous-Giraffe-31 wrote:

I'm glad this worked out. You seem like a really sweet person and don't deserve to be taken advantage of.

kirakiraluna wrote:

Just a tip for the future and for any occurrence. If lending money to someone always do a money transfer with the bank and add 'loan for x person for y thing' in the reason field. Never send money to a third party.

No backtracking claiming it was a gift and, at least in Italy, it has the same guarantee as if it was made by a bank so you can have your money back easily (and demanding foreclosure on bank accounts/car/house etc).

Warm_Sprinkles9049 wrote:

Toast is resting in peace and is very proud of you I’m sure 💗