'AITA for not inviting my dad to my wedding after he married his mistress without telling me?'
"AITA for not wanting to invite my dad to my wedding because he didn't tell me he was marrying his mistress?"
I (F26) and my dad (M 54) have a somewhat awkward relationship, he tries to get along with me but I can't trust him 100% because he was unfaithful to my mom (M 53) twice. The first time was when I was 3 years old and from that infidelity my stepsister was born, the second time was when my mom was pregnant with my little brother when I was 11 years old.
My mom found out about his infidelity three years after my little brother was born and kicked him out of the house. When I was little, my dad was what could be considered the best dad in the world since he visited me every day even though we didn't live together and he was always looking out for me but after my mom got pregnant, his attitude changed and he started to put us on the back burner.
When my dad left home, he would come to visit me and my little brother 2 or 3 times a month. If we were lucky, he would take us out to eat and take us back to our house. He always told us he had no money and didn't want to give more than 325 USD in alimony to my mom.
Everything remained the same until two years later, when my mom told me that he was going to marry his mistress. I am not temperamental and I prefer to talk about things so I decided to wait quietly for him to call me to talk and give me an invitation but that never happened.
Being close to the date of his wedding, I asked him if we could go to the theater that day and he just told me that he could not because he was going to be busy. I understood that he had no intention of telling me soon; it was about 6 months after his wedding and I decided to ask him directly why he did not tell me that he got married.
He nervously told me that he did not know how I would react but that he could introduce us to his wife. I told him that I did want to meet her. I thought he was going to tell me a date and that we were going to be able to talk clearly about it with his wife but I was wrong.
My dad decided to introduce her to me on my 18th birthday as a surprise. I was very uncomfortable and so was my brother but none of them said anything. I just knew that was the last straw and I decided that I was not going to invite him to my wedding either.
I am now about 4 months away from my wedding to a wonderful man and I am still keeping my word. My mom asked me if my dad was going to walk me down the aisle but I told her that he was not invited. She got angry and said that I could not exclude my dad from such an important event in my life and that I should let that grudge go.
She also said that I am not a child anymore. She looked upset so I started to consider whether to tell my dad, but he would still only attend as a guest. My fiancé also thinks I am overreacting (he thought that my dad had just abandoned me). So AITA for not wanting to invite my dad to my wedding?
What do you think? Is she being an AH? This is what top commenters had to say about the situation:
Tangerine_Bouquet said:
NTA for not inviting your father if you don't want him at the wedding. He was an AH for 'surprising' you on your birthday with his wife--of many years at that point--who was his mistress and helped break up your parents' marriage. He didn't invite you to or even tell you about his wedding.
He sounds pretty awful overall; do you even know your stepsister from the previous infidelity? His bit of showing up and doing part of the dad thing with you doesn't erase all that.
For lying to your fiance (which you clearly state only in your response to the bot), YTA. That's a terrible way to start a marriage, and he should be rethinking, and you two should be in premarital counseling, with this a big topic.
Responsible_Judge007 said:
Your mom is right: you are not a child anymore so maybe she should back off because you made a decision. NTA
miriamcek said:
NTA. He wasn't a child either when he decided not to invite you to his wedding, so I don't see why your mom's argument is "you're not a child anymore."
The_Bad_Agent said:
NTA. It's your wedding. Your mom has no say here. Invite who you want.
thenord321 said:
You aren't an AH but you should consider therapy. You clearly have lots of baggage and resentment and that emotional load is holding you back from being the best you possible.
Proverbs21-3 said:
NTA Aside from him not telling you about the wedding, even when you gave him a chance to tell you, he just said that he was "busy" that day. Then he sprung his new wife (former mistress) on you at your birthday - not cool, not kosher, however you want to say it, it was unkind as it put the focus on her, not you, on your birthday and your 18th birthday at that! I get it.
you would be seething with resentment the entire time he walked you down the aisle and this is your wedding day. Who wants to seethe on that special day? Same thing with inviting him, only do it if it feels comfortable, other wise, don't do it. Your mom is wrong, you can exclude him from such an important event in your life. Your feelings are valid and it is wrong of others to treat you like they are insignificant.
Trevena_Ice said:
NTA. He didn't want you at his wedding, why should you invite him to yours? Also it sounds like he abandoned you. If you don't want to invite him, don't do it. It is your wedding and your decision. Also you don't need him to make this day awkward or to drop any other 'great surprise'
Verdict: NTA. Probably.
OP later added this update and clarified some things:
Hi, I'm OP and I'm here to clarify some points. I saw that some are saying that my mom shouldn't 'defend' my dad and that's weird but the truth is that she doesn't like meeting him; whenever they talk, they get into fights about money and he doesn't spend much time with us (my brother and I), but my mom doesn't like the idea that my brother and I hold a grudge against my dad.
That's why she asks us to involve him a little more in our lives. Another thing is that if I know about the existence of my first half sister, it is thanks to my mom because my dad wanted to keep it a secret as long as possible but my mom didn't like the idea of hiding that from me so she told me when I was 8 years old
(my dad didn't get involved much with my half sister because she is from another city and doesn't pass any money to her mom), he still went to visit her a couple of times a year. He decided to introduce us to our half sister (F 16 at that time) when I was 18 and my little brother was 7 just because his new wife was pregnant.
I don't plan to exclude my half sisters because they have nothing to do with this but it did make me angry to know that my first half sister did know about my dad's marriage before I did; only she decided not to attend the wedding while I had to wait months to even meet his wife and on the worst possible day.
While my dad wasn't a bad father until I was 11, after that he started spending his money on parties and his mistress back then, he would tell us he didn't have money and didn't support my college studies telling my mom it was her fault for putting me in a college we couldn't afford but it turns out he didn't have money for my studies because he spent it on his wedding and bachelor party,
the fact of the infidelity I know it stays between the couple but he was not the best father we could have either, I consider him to be a coward for not wanting to talk things over directly with me since I am his oldest daughter and he is also somewhat irresponsible since he always stayed with his partners until he had children
(yes, he also cheated on his current wife after giving birth to my half sister but she decided to stay married to him). And about my fiancé, I am planning to tell him everything. I really just avoided talking to him about my dad on purpose, even though I was still seeing him from time to time.
I think my fiancé might understand my situation and after venting and reading your comments, I might consider inviting my dad. While he was not the best father in the world, he did not completely abandon me; he just doesn't know how to prioritize his life. Thank you all for your good wishes. <3