'AITA (F28) for telling the bride I don't want to sit at the kids' table?' UPDATED
"AITA (F28) for telling the bride I don't want to sit at the kids' table?"
My (f28) husband (m30) and I were invited to my husbands brothers wedding in the new year. For some context, we do not live in the same country as his family (we live in the US and they live in the UK) and we are trying to save for a house, so we really weren’t planning on going on a holiday this year. Wedding is in July.
Truth be told I am rather excited for this trip (I love his family and the UK) but my husband is stressed as it’s going to cost us a lot of money (upwards of $5000 including flights, hotel at the wedding venue, trains, etc.). Also for some more important back-story info, my husbands family hate each other. I mean a nasty divorce that led to parents not speaking to each other for years.
Most of the siblings including brother in law sided with the mom in the divorce. However my husband has made it a point to not choose, and is very close to both parents still. Both parents have new families with younger kids.
Now, three months ago, my husbands mother told us that we would be sitting at the table with all the other siblings (most siblings are under 15 years old. The youngest is 8). My husband asked if we could potentially sit with his dad’s side of the family, or his grandparents who we are very close to.
However his mother told him that we are the only neutral family members so therefore we need to sit with the siblings as this is their first time meeting. The wedding party is worried about potential family drama arising. My husband and I were fine with this as long as we are sitting together.
However, a few days ago my brother in law asked my husband to be a groomsmen to which he accepted. I was thrilled for my husband as he isn’t super close to his brothers. I asked where I will be sitting now that he would be at the wedding party’s table. My husband just shrugged and said they likely won’t move tables around that much. I asked the bride, who said I was still sat with the siblings.
I asked politely if I could be moved to the table with the grandparents (again I am extremely close to them). The bride politely told me that I am the only neutral party who has met all the siblings, so I could manage the questions and potential arguments arising. Again, this is the first time they are all meeting.
I told her that I appreciate this is something that is worrying her, but I am not spending thousands of dollars to be a babysitter. She said she understood but the seating is final.
We argued a little more but she ended the argument by saying I should be happy to be sitting with the kids because I work with kids and I should be flattered the family trusts me enough with this responsibility. I began to argue but the bride snapped that if I hated kids this much I shouldn’t have become a teacher.
Please don’t get me wrong, I love his siblings. But they are all at least 15 years younger than I am. I also love kids, I am a teacher, but I want to relax and have a good time at this wedding. I also forgot to mention there will be cousins and kids from the brides family at the table as well.
I just made up my mind I will not be sitting at the kids table. I am going to wander the reception, drink and have a good time. I will be pulling up a chair with the grandparents. I do not think it’s a big ask for me to be moved to a table, but maybe I am wrong.
My mom and husband think I am overreacting, and I should just sit with the kids. But my co workers and friends think I should not be forced to babysit and/or manage potential family fights. So AITA?
What do you think? Is she being unreasonable by refusing to sit alone at the kids' table? This is what top commenters had to say:
Fire_or_water_kai said:
Your mom and husband are dead wrong to give you grief about this. NTANo wonder his family has so many issues if this is how they go about life. You are attending as a GUEST, not to be their buffer and babysitter. You are spending thousands of dollars and PTO to go to this, and yet you should feel privileged to be their door mat?
They need to sort themselves out. If these people are that problematic, then they shouldn't be invited. But again, not your problem. You're not a person to them. You hold no value. You're only useful like a garden tool. Don't let them do that to you.
Since all these people are hell-bent on being aholes full of audacity who lack basic manners and common sense, your plan (while being non-confrontational) will still cause problems. So pick which one you want because you're going to get grief either way.
Personally, if my husband was so willing to debase me for the brother he's not close to to have a warped sense of family, I wouldn't even attend. I'd save that money for something else and tell him to have a grand time.
LetMeReadPlease said:
I feel like this is a disaster waiting to happen and you’re the scapegoat…
zaritza8789 said:
Why are you humiliating yourself like this? Where is your husband in all of this and why isn’t he standing up for you? What a circus
And zaritza8789 said:
Why are you humiliating yourself like this? Where is your husband in all of this and why isn’t he standing up for you? What a circus
A day after her original post, she shared this update:
My husband and I zoomed with the bride and groom yesterday to address our concerns. For those who told me just to sit at the table because they are likely stressed with the wedding planning, I helped plan my sister’s wedding, so I know moving one seat is not a big deal. AND I only asked because my husband wasn’t sitting with me anymore.
The bride just said that she confirmed with the rest of the family that “the siblings” will all be under my care during the reception. I asked if it would just be my husband’s siblings to which my brother in law said “we don’t know yet.
There are other family members coming and cousins who might want to sit with their cousins.” I would then say “so this is the kids table” and my brother in law would say “that’s not important.” I finally asked, “are you going to blame me if any family drama comes up?” My brother-in-law just said, “that’s why you are there, to prevent family drama.” So, you were all right about that.
Okay, this is where things got interesting. For those who said we were being punished – bingo.
The bride adds my mother-in-law into the chat. She tells me to stop being selfish, and that if I had a problem with being at the siblings table, it’s clear I have a problem being in the family. She also said, if I am not willing to mediate potential family related questions and problems that might arise, I clearly do not care about my brother-in-law and his bride.
And that I want to create problems on their big day. My husband was shocked, and asked what makes her say that. My mother-in-law then says that its clear I have been manipulating my husband away from her family. She accused me of siding with his father in the divorce, and that ever since my husband met me we have been spending more time with his father’s side of the family.
(I want to mention that their divorce happened almost 20 years ago, and we rarely talk to his father). Her only evidence to this accusation was that I am not willing to openly side with her.
I was completely shocked by these accusations. My husband said that these accusations are rude and inappropriate, and demanded my mother-in-law apologize, or he will be cutting her off like John did. Mother-in-law started crying. The bride chimed in that we never included them in our wedding (we eloped) and that this was my opportunity to prove myself as a dedicated member of the family.
Obviously this blindsided me as I genuinely had no idea they felt this way. I always go above and beyond for Christmas and birthday gifts, when we visit I ensure I dote on their children, and I always take the ladies of the family out for a ladies brunch.
I can understand our wedding situation is upsetting, but if my mother-in-law had voiced this to us four years ago we would have hosted a small ceremony or family celebration. My mother-in-law adds that since I wasn’t willing to deal with the family drama at our wedding, I should be willing to deal with it for my brother-in-law.
I just sat there, jaw on the floor. My mother-in-law snapped saying she knew the type of person I was from the second I excluded her from her son’s wedding, and I am a selfish manipulator who wanted to steal her son from her and destroy her family, and that my husband in enabling me by not insisting I put the family’s needs before my own enjoyment and babysit the kids during her other sons big day.
She was hoping my “meltdown” would show my husband what kind of person I was. Needless to say, we ended up fighting for a few more minutes before my husband slammed the computer screen down. My husband and I chatted for a moment, he apologized for his family and reassured me he knows none of those things his mother said were true. We turned our phones off and had a date night.
John (m32), my husband’s older brother, got in contact with us through Instagram this morning. His wife gave me a call, and we talked for hours about what happened. Apparently, the reason they left the family was because my mother-in-law did something similar to John’s wife, we will call Sandy (f32).
Sandy didn’t want a big wedding due to drama on her family’s side and decided to have a small ceremony with their friends. She invited my mother-in-law who refused to attend because my father-in-law would be there. Mother-in-law threatened Sandy she would make sure John left her if Sandy didn’t exclude John’s father from the wedding.
Sandy didn’t listen and went through with their wedding as planned. Mother-in-law accused Sandy of cheating and baby trapping John (Sandy was pregnant at the time). My mother-in-law stalked Sandy and took photos of her out with her friends and with her brother, sending them to John as “proof” of her infidelity. Mother-in-law posted these photos to Facebook captioning it “caught you, cheater.”
Relatives began harassing both John and Sandy. John and Sandy moved away and blocked everyone, and has not been in contact with mother-in-laws side of the family ever since.
I don’t remember this at all as I had only been with my husband for a year, and he didn’t want me involved with his family drama. Obviously, I feel awful that this happened to John and Sandy, but they assured me they forgive both me and my husband.
Long story short, Sandy and John are still in contact with the father (how they found out about our situation). John and my husband had a long phone call this morning, to which my husband apologized for enabling his mother.
My husband has gone no-contact with his mother and brothers (for now) and we are going to use our trip to visit my old friends from uni, and visit John and Sandy! I am really excited to meet them.
For those who made it this far, thank you for reading. This small problem ended up revealing a much larger issue. I am very thankful for this community for pushing me to push back. Sometimes I can be a little shy and overly forgiving.
Looking back, the signs were all there and I just ignored them. I am very hurt as I really want to have a relationship with my husband’s family, but I know I deserve better. Again, thank you, and if anything else happens I will keep you all updated.