'AITA for sticking with my wedding color scheme against my mother-in-law's wishes?' UPDATED

"AITA for sticking with my wedding color scheme against my mother-in-law's wishes?"

For my upcoming wedding I want an earthy theme with muted colors. In our social circle it is pretty standard for the family to match the wedding colors so the pictures look nice. My parents are spending a good deal of money, so it is important to me that things go as smoothly as possible.

When I told mil she made a face but didn’t say much. Then we started talking about what the family would wear and MIL realized that I wanted everyone to look cohesive and got upset. She accused me of not caring about her self esteem and said my colors were ugly. Mil likes bold colors, but she had a wedding a couple years ago and got to do whatever she wanted. I feel this is my day.

Shopping for her mother of the groom dress was a nightmare. It was months of back and worth, crying, me vetoing dresses that would stand out like a sore thumb in pictures, her calling me vain and heartless. It was a mess. Finally I took her and my no nonsense mom and we got her a dress.

I thought it was settled but I got a furious voicemail from MILs husband saying she put the dress on and immediately began crying, and he will not let her wear it at this point because of what it is doing to her self esteem. He called me a fake person who doesn’t know what love is, a controlling psycho, and then he began swearing at me and saying I made his wife cry.

My fiancé finally took the phone and ripped him a new one.

His daughter texted me the next day and said she doesn’t like MIL that much but she thinks I’m being a dick because my colors were chosen to suit my huge family and bridal party, all white, and MIL is the only non white one (middle eastern) so the colors don’t suit her complexion. I called MIL and asked if that was it and she wouldn’t even answer and said I don’t care about her.

My fiancé says to make her wear it out of spite but at this point I think they might not be going. She hasn’t rsvpd and she is the type to dig her heels in and not go. I’m not even sure she has the dress because my mom says mil told her her husband cut it and MIL thought that was so cute and romantic. I don’t know if I’m being too harsh by not budging.

This is important to me and I’m sick of her always being a spoiled brat and getting her way, but at the same time the colors are making her really insecure and she is super vain.

Update: the one thing I’m not willing to do is trick her and photoshop the pictures. I am genuinely afraid for her and what that could do to her mental health. We would never see her again, which is maybe ok, but I don’t want her to have a breakdown and have months of bad mental health

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

kelsnuggets said:

ESH. My wedding colors were cream and light gold. Very muted everything. My MIL wore a strapless bright neon pink ball gown to a 5pm summer wedding. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who cares. Let her wear whatever she wants. In 15 years I promise you will not give 2 shits. Your MiL sucks for making everything about her.

[deleted] said:

Yes it’s your wedding but I really don’t understand why you get to dictate what she wears..? She’s not in the wedding so you choosing the color she wears really doesn’t make sense to me. Maybe cultural differences 🤷🏼‍♀️ ESH

AstronomerPrevious71 said:

NTA. Its your and your fiancées day. Not hers. Let her continue her tantrum and if she doesn’t go, then that’s drama free day for you guys!

No-Jellyfish-1208 said:

ESH honestly. You - yeah, I get the idea of having some colour scheme. But if the colours in question make the guests feel uncomfortable - why? Also, I don't know how well-off your family is, but... what if you are forcing someone to purchase an outfit specially for the occassion, when they could wear something they already own?

General dress code (or having some more popular colours) would've been easier and more acceptable.

Her - well, your wedding is not about her.

ForwardPlenty said:

NTA This particular mother in law is ramping up her histrionics to cause you to think about her all the time and to take the spotlight. As long as she is the poor victim then she gets all the attention.

Best thing is to completely ignore her, she can show up in flannel pajamas if she likes, or not show up at all, but stop trying to placate, or even find out what it is that would possibly make her happy, because she is the happiest when the victim and the spotlight is on her.

She later shared this small update:

I relented a little and said she could wear what she wanted and not be in pictures. I’m pretty sure she blocked me though and she hasn’t answered in 6 hours though she has been posting on Instagram, so she probably isn’t coming