'AITA for telling my friend that I didn't like her wedding dress?'
Getting roasted by a friend over your special day is no fun.
One woman thought that honesty was more important in a friendship. After she attended her friend's wedding, she tried not to say anything to her about her 'horrible' red dress. However, when her friend asked her what she thought, she decided to be honest.
The fight was pretty vicious. She asked Reddit if she was wrong to do what she did, and the responses were surprisingly varied.
"AITA for telling my friend that I didn't like her wedding dress?"
3 months ago I (26F) attended (27F)'s wedding. Her wedding was a destination wedding at a beach venue.
When she arrived, she was wearing a poofy bright red dress, the kind you'll see celebrities wearing at the met gala. It was very unique and she stood out beautifully, but in my opinion, the dress didn't flatter her, nor the venue and I personally didn't like it.
But I wasn't gonna be the person to tell her that on her wedding day and ruin the night for her, so the rest of the day was very fun and I had an incredible time with her and all of our other friends.
My opinion of her dress, I kept to myself, because I dislike talking behind people's backs and it isn't my place to tell her what she shouldn't have worn, after all, it was her wedding day and she should wear something she feels amazing in, and I noticed that she had an amazing confident aura wearing that dress and I felt amazing for her.
Yesterday, she came to my house to watch a movie with me, before we started watching she talked about how her parents told her that her wedding dress didn't look good and that she should've worn a white simple dress (they are a very traditional type).
Then she asked me what I honestly thought about her wedding dress, and most respectfully, I told her that while I thought that the dress made her stand out amazingly and it was very unique, in my personal opinion, I wasn't very fond of it and that it did not flatter her.
She was quiet for a second then she got up and left, even though I tried explaining to her that I didn't mean to offend or insult her, she left in the end. I tried messaging her but I got no response.
Today her husband messaged me saying that she cried for hours after I met with her, that I was very disrespectful, and that I had no place to criticise her dress. One of her best friends sent me a long message about how while he agrees with me, I didn't have to tell her that because it isn't our place and that I came across as jealous and pathetic.
I don't know what to do or say and I'm having trouble even contemplating whether I was wrong, so what do you think, AITA?
edit: her in-laws wanted her to wear red because in their culture the bride wears red, she didn't want the traditional dress but they came to a conclusion to at least let the dress be red. I also want to say, that when I said it wasn't flattering on her, I meant that the dress didn't match her height, and some parts were loose on her.
Not that she and her body was the problem, but more that the dress didn't perfectly fit her, that is what I told her but I didn't want to go into detail about her in the post which is why I only said it didn't flatter her.
Edit: someone told me to add this comment reply to my post:
'At first, I told her that she stood out and looked confident and left it at that, but then she asked me 'I didn't ask you if I looked confident or unique, I asked you what you thought about the dress.' I didn't want to lie to her since we've always had a very blunt relationship she's always told me the blunt truth.
But keeping in mind that it was obviously a really big day for her I tried to be kind and sensitive about my honest opinion. But I see that I may have been too rude and not considerate of her feelings, thank you for your comment! I'll try to make things right with her if she will give me another chance.'
But also guys, seriously thank you so much for actually making me realize I was definitely in the wrong, I didn't really think it through many times in my head and just said what I was truthfully feeling and I understand how wrong it was especially since it was about something she now couldn't change.
I've seen a lot of people saying I could have said something before her wedding but I wasn't one of her bridesmaids and she said she wanted to keep everything a surprise, also we've always had a very honest and blunt kind of relationship and she's always told me that she dislikes white lies and if someone asks you something you should always answer it truthfully.
This is the woman who told me and my boyfriend of 2 years to break up to our faces because she thought we weren't compatible for each other since he travelled a lot for his work, and although I was upset, looking back I realise that relationship was absolutely going nowhere.
This is why I disagree with the comments that say that I should've just lied, I honestly cannot lie to her and lying about something would make me feel guilty. But I completely take responsibility for talking about the negatives when I should've only spoken about the honest positives.
I messaged her if I could meet up with her and she replied saying she was thinking of that too, we're meeting each other in a few hours and I'll try to apologise to her and tell her that it didn't matter what I or her parents' thought of her dress.
If she felt amazing and confident in it, then that was the perfect dress for her. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, I'll show her this post and will update after I've met with her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
'It was very unique and she stood out beautifully,' why didn't you just say this?
'I noticed that she had an amazing confident aura wearing that dress.' Or this??
A lot of people are gonna be like 'sHe AsKeD fOr HoNeStY' but ffs that's your friend who was clearly wanting some reassurance on her fucking WEDDING DRESS. You easily could have left it at either of the 2 things above and you wouldn't have been lying. YTA
I think it's absolutely bananas that so many people would value being hurtfully honest over a friendship here. This is totally frivolous and wouldn't have hurt OP at all to just say something kind.
I'm sick of the fact that women are infantilized all the time (I am a woman). If someone asks for an honest opinion, they have to be prepared to receive an honest opinion and not have a tantrum about it. NTA
THANK YOU! We aren't children who need our parents to pretend we're princesses, this is so ridiculous and patronizing. I'm a woman and when I say 'tell me honestly,' I'm looking for exactly the answer OP gave.
As I don't read minds, i would assume someone else asking for honesty was looking for the same and I would really have some words for anyone who'd follow up with 'actually, when I said I wanted your honest opinion, what I really meant was that I wanted you to parrot my own opinion back at me.'
NTA. She has unlocked a life lesson: Don’t ask the question if you aren’t prepared to hear the answer. That being said, here’s a tip for you when discussing matters of taste, if you would prefer to avoid situations like these: turn the question back on the asker, and remind them that it doesn’t matter what others think.
Here’s how you could have applied that here:
Friend: “My parents didn’t like my dress and said it didn’t look good on me. What did you think of it?”
You: “I’m sorry they said that. Truly, though, it doesn’t matter what any of us thought of your dress. Did you like it?”
Friend: “Yes, but do you think it looked bad on me?”
You: “I think you looked confident and radiant and that it was a beautiful day. How did you feel?”
Notice how I focus on her, and her experience of the day, rather than the dress. I’m helping her channel the good emotions of that day so she can shift more value to that, instead of focussing on the judgements of others.
If she still pressed you for an opinion, as sometimes happens, you could have responded with gentle honesty. For example, “It’s not something I would have chosen for myself, but who am I to decide what you should have worn? Respectfully, I wouldn’t let you or anyone else decide what I wore/will wear to my wedding.”
NTA. You kept your opinion to yourself until she approached you and directly asked for your honest opinion. It sounds like you told her your opinion whilst trying not to sound overly mean.
You could argue that perhaps lying would have been a better idea, but equally, you could argue that lying would be insulting to your friend. I understand why she's upset, but I don't think you did anything wrong.