'AITA for threatening to cut my parents off financially to stop my brother from proposing at my wedding?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA for threatening to cut my parents off financially to stop my brother from proposing at my wedding?"

I 27m 'll start this off by saying my wedding is scheduled for April because my fiancé 25F has always dreamed of a spring wedding. And I really like the idea too. I have an older brother though 30M. And last Saturday I was called over to my parents' house to talk about something.

But they refused to tell me what until I got there. They then sat me down with my brother and told me that my brother wants to use my wedding as the perfect day for him to propose to his girlfriend. I was instantly mad and told them ABSOLUTELY NOT!! But they ganged up on me.

I ended up so enraged to the point that I, one man, somehow backed all three of them into a corner. I told them that if they want to do this, then not only will they all be uninvited, but I'll also cut off the financial support I've been giving monthly since they paid to have my golden child brother go through college by taking out a second mortgage.

I landed a decently high paying job and have been sending five hundred dollars to my parents monthly to help ease their mortgage. And I didn't ask for a stake in the ownership of their house either. It was entirely good will. And I can cut it off any time.

I left without speaking anything more to them. But my brother came to my home the next day to yell at me that I ruined his big chance because now our parents are siding with me and say they'll evict him if he tries to propose at my wedding. He said I was financially blackmailing our parents, and that he just wanted a good chance to propose because he was afraid his girlfriend might leave him soon.

I said that was his problem, not mine. Because my wedding day is not about him. And if he tries to propose at my wedding, I WILL have him thrown out. That's not a maybe, but a definite. And I doubt his girlfriend would appreciate her proposal followed up with being tossed out by a bouncer.

He yelled a few choice words at me, then went crying to our only surviving grandparent. Our maternal grandmother. And she called to try and ream me over the phone. No surprise my brother heavily embellished the version of the story he told her. But she still sided with him after I gave her the real story. She tried to hold her ground, but the verbal backlash I ended up giving her left her crying.

That got back to my parents, who are now pissed at me for taking things this far. But I told them I only went that far because I had to when they were all trying to get me to let my brother use my wedding as his springboard for a proposal. They ended up agreeing with me, but still stated they feel like I'm crass.

And my brother showed up at my home again to scream at me that I'm an a-hole, and I hope I'm happy with myself for not allowing him the opportunity. I thought I was entirely in the right at first. But maybe I really did take it too far with my brother. So I thought I'd come here to ask for an impartial ruling. AITA for everything I did and said to my brother and everyone else?

Edit: My fiancé knows what my brother tried to do. And she's very angry about it. She's almost ready to have him uninvited if he pursues this any further.

Also, I won't justify making my grandmother cry. Normally I have a very mild temper. But when it comes to certain people like my brother, parents and grandmother, I can easily get short with them because of all the past favoritism. My grandmother especially.

She always sided with my brother and believed his lies no matter what he did. She's the biggest reason my parents favored my brother too. She kept trying to convince me over the phone to let my brother propose at my wedding that I ended up losing it on her.

And for those wondering why I've been sending my parents money. Well about a year ago they were on the verge of losing their house because of extra debt they took on paying for my brother's college ten years ago. They were too prideful to ask me for help. But I didn't want them to end up losing their home. I personally don't want the house in the future.

But I want my parents to be able to keep their home. We have a plan for me to continue payments till I'm 30, and I have sent them to a financial advisor to help them get things settled.

But my lazy brother isn't helping. He only pays $300 a month for rent and doesn't contribute to utilities. Years ago he also dropped out of the college my parents paid for and they couldn't get the lost tuition money back. So they are finally starting to get angry with him themselves.

Edit 2: Yes my brother dropped out of college. But a few years later he got an online college degree. And barely passed to get it. I have no issue with online college. However after what my parents spent on him, it feels like a stick to the eye that he did that.

But the online college degree got him a better job. He's never really changed though. As soon as he got that degree, he wanted nothing by praise for months. My brother has no bad habits like gambling, high spending or drug addiction. He's just a jerk, and always has been.

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. But here’s the thing, he’s going to blow up, and I bet this is less about him wanting to propose than it is him being jealous. So whilst you are in the right, I really think there is a chance he might try something on your big day. Is there a way to ‘placate’ him.

So he’s not allowed to propose or bring it up, and you’ll pay for a very nice meal or something he could use to propose. I essentially suggesting buying him off, but make it conditional on his good behaviour... just a thought. You are totally in the right, but diversion tactics might be needed.

Lurker_the_Pip said:

NTA you need to tell your brother that if he pulls any BS at your wedding you will have him removed and tell all family if they act up when he gets removed, they are getting removed too. Dedicate a couple of people to do the removing, like security.

And Limerase said:

NTA. People should not use other people's events to announce their own. It takes away from the person (or people) who is supposed to be the center of attention. I don't really think it's financial blackmail.

I think it's declining to support someone who will not support you in return. Rescinding an unappreciated favor. I think you should uninvite him and tell him if he complains, you'll explain to his girlfriend exactly why.

A month after his original post, he shared this update:

I ended up speaking with my brother again and threatened to tell his girlfriend if he was still intending to propose at my wedding without permission. He took it poorly and called me an awful person. So I pointed out that my wedding isn't about him. Our parents were there for this, and they backed me up. I think my brother did a double take when they did that.

My dad pointed out that he'd raised my brother wrong, and that was on him. So from now on my brother was to show them real respect. And they wanted to get an official lease drawn up for him to pay proper rent and utilities. He was only paying them $300 a month without contributing to any utilities or food.

And if he doesn't want to pay, he can move out and they'll rent his room to someone else. My brother turned to our mom for help. But she just agreed with dad. He looked like he was having a conniption and then left the house. He came back a couple hours later, but spoke to no one and locked himself in his room.

Two days later my brother announced he was moving in with grandma because she invited him. And our parents basically told him that if he wants to live with her, then to go ahead. My brother responded to this by saying we all hate him for just wanting to propose to his girlfriend. My parents pointed out that it's not that he wanted to propose, but where he wanted to do it. And he'd get no support for it.

He's refusing to talk to our parents now. My grandmother did try to call me again. But it ended up with me telling her that my brother will not be allowed to propose at my wedding, plain and simple. So he can get over it, or not come. And the same goes for her. I ended up calling her out on her favouritism towards my brother since we were kids.

Which she tried to deny at first, but couldn't keep doing so because of how much I'd pointed out. She ended up crying again while I told her that if she keeps trying to insist on this, then she won't be coming to my wedding. She begged me not to rescind her invite. But still said she doesn't understand why I couldn't let my brother have his way before ending the call.

My fiancé is 100% on my side. And is fully ready to remove my brother and grandmother from the wedding. My grandmother hasn't called again. And she's not talking to my parents either. My guess is my brother went crying to her again to tell her mommy and daddy weren't enabling him anymore. So she offered for him to move in with her.

But there's literally nothing she can do to sway me. And I think my last conversation with her made her realize that. I didn't wish to tell my brother's GF. But she called me up on a Saturday about my Reddit post. She saw it read in a online video, and then realized it might be me with the way I described my brother and grandmother. So yeah, now she knows.

She ended up tearing my brother a new @$$hole. And he still tried to justify himself to her. That's when she told him they were through and cut all contact with him. My brother of course blamed me. Even though his girlfriend said that she's been ready to leave him for a while now, and if he'd tried to propose, no matter where, she'd have told him "No". So that's it.

My brother showed up at my place one more time to have a fit, and said he is boycotting my wedding. He actually thought he had leverage that he and grandma won't go. I said I wouldn't miss him, and that he's in his 30s now and needs to grow up. Our parents have cut the umbilical and are no longer supporting him. And they're already repainting his room to rent it to someone else.

And they plan on renting out my old bedroom as well because they need the money after the financial hole he left them in after dropping out of college, just to do mooch off them for a while and then get a degree with online college later, and then barely paying any rent while also making them pay for his food and utilities despite having a good paying job.

They spent the world on him and he wasn't the least bit grateful. That made my brother just shut down and leave. And since then we've not heard a peep out of him. That's everything that's happened from my original post up till now.

Edit, Yes I have very good security hired for the wedding. And they'll toss my brother out like bouncers in a heartbeat.

He later shared this second update:

Well my brother and grandma are officially uninvited from my upcoming wedding. My grandma called me again to berate me even more for refusing to let my brother propose. Apparently he's beside himself with grief over his ex. Yeah... So beside himself with grief that he's already on Tinder looking for a date. Or so his Social Media says. Which I pointed out to grandma.

She claimed that was just his way of coping. I said I didn't care. He's no longer invited to my wedding because I can't trust that he won't do something crazy if he's there. Then she gave me her classic line of "I don't understand why!". That's what she always says when I won't do something for my brother after he'd screwed me over.

For example. I once gave my brother a loan back when he was still doing online college. He didn't wanna repay it despite promising he would. Even after getting a good job he hemmed and hawed about it when I wanted him to pay me back. He had the money, he just didn't wanna give it up. So I said I was never going to loan him money again. And grandma gave her line of not understanding why.

Even when I told her it was because I knew my brother would never want to repay me, so he's not gonna get another penny. Her response was to say she still doesn't understand. So just hearing her say that about the issue of my brother being banned from my wedding made me lose it. I yelled at her that she does understand. She just acts like she doesn't because she doesn't want to.

She's always been on my brother's side no matter what he did. And because of that she's no longer invited to my wedding either. And I don't care if she cries. Because I'm just plain done with her. She made her bed with the side she chose. Now she can live with it.

Of course she exploded in tears crying like a sad whale and called me a bad grandson. I said she was a bad grandma for thinking I'm the bad grandson when she always believed my brother's lies and played favourites. Everyone else knew it too. And I'm sick of her pretending everything was rosy when she used to beat my a^% and then tell me I'd be a bad boy if I told my parents she'd spanked me.

I then told her not to call me again unless it was to admit the truth and give me a genuine apology. And then I ended the call. It went right back to radio silent from her. I also preemptively told my parents about what happened. And their response was that they don't care I yelled at her anymore, because she's never going to stop siding with my brother no matter what.

My parents are actually doing so much better since my brother moved out. They've got two rooms ready to rent out and on the market waiting for a tenant. My dad is also working on clearing out the attic to make another room up there for someone to rent.

They're basically turning as many rooms in their house as they can into liveable space. They're gonna need that rent money to help pay off their debts. And they're still thanking me a lot for helping them with the money I've been sending monthly.

My parents sat me down a while ago and apologized heavily for everything that went on from my childhood till now. They said they can offer no good excuse as to why my brother was the favourite when they shouldn't have been playing favourites at all. And that what they did was completely unacceptable.

And the fact that I was still willing to help them out, even after everything they'd done, made them realize how horrible they were as parents. And from now on they'll do their best to be better people. They've basically stopped caring about what my brother and grandma think too. They haven't been talking to them either.

I've heard nothing from my brother's ex. She wants nothing more to do with my family. And I don't blame her. My fiancé is super happy about me standing my ground because she wanted my brother and grandmother out much sooner. Then she admitted something to me I never knew.

Apparently the few times she was alone with my grandma, she was told all sorts of lies about me that my fiancé never once believed. She couldn't recall much. But basically grandma said a number of things that I remember my brother did that were pinned on me.

But the gist of it is that my grandma was trying to tell my fiancé that I was a bad egg as a child. And that she better watch me closely in case she decided not to marry me. So yeah. Grandma was trying to poison the well with more lies.

One story my fiancé remembered my grandma talking about was one I knew right away. It was the story about the broken lamp. My grandma used to have a beautiful hand crafted stained glass lamp. My brother threw a football in the house straight at it and the lamp fell and broke. It was old and frail, so it basically shattered. My brother said that I was throwing a football in the house, and that he tried to stop me.

But it was actually the other way around. Grandma refused to believe me and punished me. My grandpa knew my brother was lying. And even told my parents so. My brother was grounded and I was told I didn't have to visit grandma anymore if I didn't want to. And after my grandpa passed away, I stopped going.

The fact that she was still talking about that stuff to people like my fiancé when I'm not around infuriates me. So I'm beyond glad that I've cut the tumors that are my brother and grandmother out of my life. I don't need them anymore.

About 10 days later OP came back with this update:

Well my brother came pounding on my front door again a few days ago. And this time he was drunk. He drunkenly told me he found out about my posts because he tried to get back together with his ex, and she told him how she found out what he was planning. So his dumb@$$ thought it'd be a good idea to get wasted and then confront me.

He even vomited on my porch step. And then did something I didn't see coming. He curled up on the ground crying. I figured he was gonna attack me or something because he was acting so deranged. But instead he just got in a sort of fetal position and cried in the grass while blaming me for his problems in between swigs from the bottle he was carrying.

From what I could get out of him, he recently went to see his ex and begged her to take him back. But she told him he was a manchild and she'd never want to marry him. And then explained how she knew he was planning on proposing. He went home and searched online till he found my Reddit posts and read them.

He went through a lot of the comments on my prior posts. And when he realized next to nobody saw things from his point of view, he broke his computer monitor and started pounding a bottle of vodka while walking over to my home since I only live a couple miles from my grandma's house.

While he was sitting on the ground, he was drunkenly cussing at me and saying it's my fault that everyone but grandma hates him now. I had no sympathy and told him he did all that himself. Sure I aired our dirty laundry online by telling everyone.

But he was still the entitled jerk who never really grew up and goes crying to granny like a spoiled brat when he doesn't get his way. Time to grow up and man up. He called me a few more things that I could barely understand, and then pretty much stopped talking to just sit there and keep drinking and crying.

I ended up taking away what was left of his bottle of vodka, and said that maybe when he's sober he can see some common sense. Then I called for a taxi to take him home. I wasn't about to drive to grandma's house because I don't want to see or be anywhere near her. My brother didn't even thank me for calling and paying for the Taxi.

Just flopped himself into the back seat and told the driver to get going. I got a call the next day from the taxi service stating my brother had vomited multiple times all over the back seat in the short time he was in the cab.

And it took $200 to thoroughly clean it because it was everywhere. I apologized and mailed them a check for their trouble. It's been a few days since that happened. But the crap didn't end there. So I'll be making another post very soon.

2 days later OP posted this update:

I knew it. I just knew it. And some of you called it. My grandma couldn't leave well enough alone. She and my brother were already both uninvited from my upcoming wedding and borderline ghosted. But now she's gone and made a huge scene about it. She took my brother over to my parents' house to show them my posts.

Thing is, my parents already know about and have read them because I admitted it to them after my brother drunkenly came to my home to yell at me. And my parents no longer care because the situation opened their eyes some time ago. I wasn't there to see it.

But my grandma laid it on thick to my parents about how she has been thoroughly humiliated by me. And that she didn't understand why I'd do this over something so trivial as a my brother proposing at my upcoming wedding.

Well this next part I never expected. My mom, ever the passive doormat to her mother for as long as I can remember finally lost it on grandma about how she's a narcissist, and how her influence made her and my dad seem like ones too. And they were idiots to let that happen.

Then they told grandma and my brother that the whole wanting to propose at my wedding thing was a completely stupid and selfish idea. And then reiterated reasons I've stated as to why with it likely being my brother wanting to put his ex on the spot in front of the whole family. Then my parents told them both to get out.

My brother especially they admonished because he'd used them as a veritable ATM for years and barely contributed financially after landing a good job.

And then me, the son they'd regretfully ignored was someone they were far more proud of because I helped them start to undo the damage they'd done to themselves, and thus far I've asked for nothing in return. Grandma I'm told left in hysterics. And my brother was silent most of the time.

The next part is from my own experience as grandma called me again to yell at me. I let her have her rant while my fiancé and I just let the phone sit on the coffee table while on speaker mode. After a while grandma realized I wasn't saying anything back and yelled at me to speak to her. So I said something one of the commenters I've had here pointed out in a prior post. That she's a coward who thinks she's in charge.

But she's not, and never will be. She can't boss me around, she has nothing to leverage over me, and she always acts like she doesn't understand my reasoning when I know she does. But she doesn't ever care to admit it.

Then I called her out on the lies she spewed about me to my fiancé. Which grandma immediately denied. But then my fiancé spoke up and said she'd told me everything grandma had said to her. Then asked why she would do that. Did she not want me to be married and be happy or something?

And that's when it came out. Grandma yelled that she was pissed I am getting married before my brother. She'd wanted to see him married first because he's older, and her favorite grandson. And she believed the least I could have done was let my brother try to save his relationship by proposing at my wedding.

I said that wasn't trying to save a relationship, that was trying to trap that poor woman in one by hoping she wouldn't say no in front of a crowd. But I've already spoken to my brother's ex before she cut contact with all of us, and I know for certain she'd have said no to him anyway. And she'd been ready to break up with him for months. I doubt the relationship would have even lasted long enough to make it to my wedding.

Then I said I knew she was going to call me selfish. So I pointed out all the things that make her selfish and me not. I'm helping out my parents financially when I didn't have to. I didn't ask for money from anyone when I went to college. I actually worked hard at my relationship with my significant other and didn't scheme to try and find a way to take control of it.

While my grandma would rather spew out any reason she can think of to make my brother the golden boy who can do no wrong. She lied about me just to try and ruin my relationship in her hopes my brother would marry first. And she openly admitted to having a favorite grandson. Now that's selfish!

Then I said that if it'd turned out my brother had been in love with my fiancé or something, I bet she would have demanded I give her to my brother as well. Because that's just the kind of selfish narcissist she is. Then all I could hear on the line was grandma loudly sobbing and my brother trying to console her.

He didn't say anything to me. And then the phone hung up. Either by him or her. I don't know. But I think it's fair to say I really verbally tore grandma apart this time. Much more so than I ever had before. And yes, this time I finally blocked her number. And my brother's too.

About 2 months later OP posted a "final update":

Well it's been a ride. A fair bit has happened since my last post. So I thought it best to wait till I'm married and settled in after my honeymoon to speak to everyone. Firstly, I wanna say that I don't know s&^% about taxes other than I pay them. But someone here questioned how I could write off the money I was giving to my parents monthly for their mortgage.

And I honestly thought I could. But a person who actually does taxes contacted me and said that wasn't possible, or at the very least shouldn't be possible since I don't have partial ownership of the house. And that made me curious that I may be breaking the law.

Well I looked into it, and long story short the person who was doing my taxes before, no longer is. I took my questions to the owner of the tax firm and explained to him that the guy who was doing my taxes was getting me a roughly one third write off on the money I was paying to my parents monthly.

Well the owner said he'd recheck my records himself, and said he'd call me later. Took a few days, but he told me that the guy who was doing my taxes did a few things that he shouldn't. And that he had a previous record of doing this. The firm fired him. And the owner apologized profusely and asked me not to take my business elsewhere.

I believe in supporting local businesses and shop from them when I can. So I told him that as long as my records are clean, I'll stay with them. And he assured me that he'll make sure everything is. I do find it stupid the owner didn't fire my former tax guy after his first offense.

And I get the feeling he rugswept a lot of things. But he's assured me that my taxes will be done by him personally from now on. So I'm gonna give him the chance to make everything right.

Since my last post my parents have also managed to rent out both of their spare rooms. Both tenants are young women who are first time renters. And they've each taken a room. Both are pleasant enough, but I've barely spoken to them. My parents say they're pretty good tenants. So we'll see how everything goes.

My father has also begun remodeling the attic into another room that they can eventually rent. It's gonna be a slow process as he doesn't have a lot of time to work on it unless it's on weekends. But he's determined to get it done.

Now on to the period before my wedding. Well.... My grandma went mental. Apparently after I told her off over the phone about a month ago, she went off her rocker even further and actually lashed out at my brother. Which is something I thought she'd never do with how much as he loves and enables him.

After about a week, a neighbor heard all the commotion and ended up going to check on her. And she attacked him over it. Police were called and took grandma into custody for a psych hold, and she tried to attack one of the officers as well. But she's a frail little old lady with false teeth. Not a lot she can do to one of them. My parents went in to see her, but visitors weren't permitted until the three days were over.

And when they were my parents met with her and told me she was hamming it up playing the victim and trying to get my parents back on her side. My mother said grandma was still blaming me and also saying that she still had a right to be at my wedding. Well my mother let her have it by saying that she lost that right after everything she said and did.

All the lies and gaslighting. And being mad at me for something as petty as getting married before my manchild older brother that she outright said was her favorite grandson. Meanwhile my brother was chilling in her house because he had it all to himself until my grandma was allowed to return home. Don't have much information from that point since my parents didn't bother to see grandma or my brother again thus far.

Next is my wedding. The outdoor venue my wife and I picked was beautiful. There was a good sized man made pond with paddle boats, and plenty of wild ducks and frogs. Though the ducks came right up to people begging for food.

We brought some loafs of cheap wheat bread so the kids in the family could toss some to the ducks. The venue was also near a golf course, so kids were having fun hunting for lost golf balls like they were Easter eggs. They actually found a lot of them. That was some good wholesome fun.

Yes I did have security there, and yes my grandma did show up and tried to get in. Even though her invitation had been officially rescinded, she still had the paper one she'd gotten in the mail since she refused to return it after being uninvited. My brother wasn't with her. But she drove 200 miles herself just to try and get into my wedding.

She showed up acting sweet, but then turned into a crazy bitch when the guard refused her entry. She screamed out my name and demanded to be let in. And she refused to leave till she spoke to me. Until security threatened police. She ended up screaming at him and then waddling back to her car. And that was it for that.

But this was not the end to the story. Oh no! Because now that the only person still talking to grandma was my older brother, I guess she started taking things out on him. No family scapegoats left for her to yell at, so she started going crazy on my brother since he was under her roof now. I know this because he sent me a letter since I have him blocked on everything but snail mail.

I got the letter after coming back from my honeymoon. It was a letter with a mix of apologies and blaming me. He said he was sorry for wanting to propose at my wedding, and sees how crumby it would have been to try that. And that I was right about him being underhanded in trying to ask his ex to marry him in front of so many people.

But then said he was angry he didn't get to go to my wedding because I couldn't overlook his traumas. Then he said he was sorry for letting grandma treat me the way she did for so long because now he's getting some of that himself. Then blamed me for getting grandma so worked up in the first place over yelling at her and then not letting her in to my wedding.

Then went on to blame me for our parents kicking him out of their house, and being stuck with grandma because she's driving him up the wall. (They didn't kick him out. He left when they wanted him to pay rent properly) So now he's apartment hunting. He did apparently ask my parents to move back in with them, but they outright refused and told him to get his own place. And that's about it on that.

And on a side note, my brother's ex girlfriend still has not reached out or spoken to anyone in my family since she last spoke with me. Not that I blame her. I barely knew her anyway. And we have no mutual friends. I checked her social media recently though, and she seems just fine without my brother in her life. So if she reads this, I'll just say "Good for you! Live well and don't ever let crazy like my brother back in again."

And to my brother, whom I know will likely find and read this soon. Get a life man! Stop blaming your s^%$ on me and grow up! You're on your own now, and the rest of us aren't gonna hold you up anymore. And if you do manage to date again, don't screw it up like last time. You and I both know why things didn't work out with your ex.

And I hope you realize now that running to Grammy and getting drunk won't help you anymore when you're 30 years old. The world doesn't revolve around you. So let it go.

As for me, my honeymoon was great. We went on the road and made it all the way to the coast. My wife also insisted we go cycling. I'm not much of a bicycle rider. But it was fun to go a couple miles down a coast road. Ended up dead tired though. Need to get in better shape. Anyways I'd like to thank everyone here for listening to me and offering their advice. It really helped.

About 10 months later OP posted one more update, with a content warning, so we'll just share the link: