Bride bans 'skin brightening cream' at wedding; SIL says 'get your wife under control.'

Can a bride request something ridiculous if it comes from a good place? Or will she only be a bridezilla in the internet's eyes?

When a bride made her strong feelings about something important to her known, the family was thrown into a feud. So the groom came to Reddit to ask for advice:

'AITA (Am I the A-hole) for telling my sister not to use skin cream before my wedding?'

OneEasyRule writes:

My fiancee doesn't like skin brightening cream. She never uses it, but she also doesn't usually say anything about other people using it either. So I was surprised when she told me she didn't want my sister to use it for our wedding and asked me to convey the message.

My sister always uses skin brightening cream for any big event, especially if she will be photographed. So I know she is planning on doing so for our wedding.

My fiancee said she hates skin brightening cream and doesn't want the use of it immortalized in our wedding photos. She said my sister should understand because this is a small family event and the photos will only be seen by us and our close family.

She said it's not unusual for brides to have requests about the look of the wedding party. She would know better than me, so I agreed.

Asking my sister didn't go over well. My sister was furious and said I have no say over her skincare routine. She said she will use whatever products she wants, and if my fiancee has a problem with that she can uninvite her.

My fiancee said fine, but then my sister won't be a part of the wedding party or in the photos. My mom and sister are furious about this decision and don't want to work with me at all, telling me to get my wife under control, because she's being ridiculous.

I would think my sister would want to make us happy on our special day and be willing to compromise, but did I ask for too much?

After a flood of questions, OP decided to clarify and update:

After talking to my fiancee we've decided to just uninvite my sister. Her beliefs are her own and not really any of our business, but why would we want someone who thinks women who look like my fiancee are ugly to be at our wedding? It just doesn't make sense.

I always saw it as a personal choice, but it's more than that. My sister is saying to the world that she thinks brown women are ugly, and while that's sad for her, because she is one, it isn't my fiancee's problem to deal with. So we just won't have her there. No one should have to be told on their wedding day that they are ugly.

Clarification: several people have asked me to explain in the post itself what skin brightening cream does, since a lot of commentors are white and don't know. The cream changes your skin so that you look fair, more like a white person than a brown one.

It isn't makeup. It fades over time, so you need to keep applying it, and it can make you sick. The reason my fiancee hates it is because she has seen it give friends and relatives skin conditions and other illnesses and because women who use it say women who don't are ugly.

My fiancee thinks we should be proud of our brown skin, because our race has accomplished many things. That is why she didn't want its obvious use in our photos.

So! What did the internet have to say?

While most agreed that colorism is terrible, the general consensus was that people are allowed to do with they want with their bods.

Redditors ruled YTA (you're the a-hole), but it is worth noting that many of these comments come from white folks who may not understand the cultural connotations of this issue.

Professional_Froyo34 says:

YTA and this “but it’s our special day” excuse is just annoying. Yes it’s your day but that doesn’t give you the right to tell others what they do with their own body.

Edit-Yes I have realized the cream is controversial but my ruling still stands. You cannot or should not tell people what to do with their own body. It may be “your day” but it’s not your decision what somebody does with their body.

From Zookeeper-007:

YTA. I think this post is related to colorism? Does the bride want to be the whitest on her wedding day? Either way, you can dictate color schemes for family. But controlling hair color grooming or skin care routines is ABSURD. And out of line.

OP explains:

Well my sister will be the whitest regardless. She'd have to stop using the cream for more than six months to actually look like us again. But if she stops using it for a month, she at least will look like we could actually be related again.

hppysunflower asks:

Info: Well that escalated from skin care routine to your sister calling brown people ugly. You didnt mention your sister called your fiancee and millions of people ugly. DID your sister say all these things, or are you and fiancée making these wild assumptions?

And OP responds:

It's not brown people that are considered ugly in our culture, it's brown skin. Yes, my sister says these things; they are normal to say in our culture.

Zookeeper-007 comments:

Well if she normally uses it, and looks different on a daily basis, wouldn’t you want her recognizable in your wedding photos? Think of it this way, if you have a relative who normally has blonde hair and you told them “hey I want you to look more south Asian like us for the wedding so dye your hair brown”. I understand why your fiancé hates it, it is a sad practice, but that’s how your sister looks and what she likes.

OP replies:

You are right. This is who my sister has chosen to be, and if she continues to insist that women who look like us are ugly we don't want her in our lives, because we might have daughters after all.

paspartuu responds:

Oh, so your fiancée is so controlling and vindictive she's willing to ban your own sister from ever interacting with your potential kids, as punishment for not letting your fiancée dictate what colour her skin should be?

You need to take a step back and really look at the way your fiancée is acting. Maybe she's justified in her personal beliefs about skin whitening being bad, but holy shit that's not an excuse to be this controlling.

But OP doesn't bat an eye:

Of course. We aren't going to let someone around our kids who will encourage them to use things that will make them sick.

EmpressJainaSolo wonders:

Has your sister, ever, commented on your or your fiancées skin?

OP answers:

Why would she comment on my skin? I'm a man. It doesn't matter what my skin looks like. No, she has never commented on my fiancee specifically, but my fiancee has explained to me that when my sister says dark skin is ugly that hurts my fiancee because she has dark skin, so it is about her even when it's not directed at her.

wonder-Be isn't having it:

YTA. I’m aware of the dangers and social implications of using a whitening cream on your face. HOWEVER, your sister using the type of cream is in NO WAY telling your fiancée that she is ugly (and honestly, that’s a pretty big reach for your fiancée to make). Plus, from what you’ve written here, your sister has never said anything about her looking ugly either.

It really sounds, especially based on your edit, that your fiancée is trying to manipulate you and cut out your family. Ask yourself: are there other people I can no longer see or hang out with because my fiancée said do? Are there certain places I can no longer go because my fiancée told me so?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you need to get out before the relationship gets worse. Men can be abused too.

OP just reiterated his point:

No, she never called my fiancee ugly, but she called dark skin ugly and my fiancee has dark skin, so isn't that really just semantics?

And LailaBlack agreed:

Dude, I'm Indian. When you say dark skin is ugly around here, especially in front of someone with dark skin the cultural context makes it an insult. You just don't comment about dark skin in front of someone with dark skin.