'WIBTA for not inviting my parents or siblings to my wedding after what they said?' UPDATED
"WIBTA for not inviting my parents or siblings to my wedding after what they said?"
My (25F) fiancé (28M) and I are planning our dream wedding but want to keep it small. From the get go, my fiancé and I both said that we do not want any children at our wedding due to a number of reasons.
We want to get married in the bush somewhere where wild animals roam freely, and the age limit is 16 and up. (This is non-negotiable because small children are at risk -Venue requirements).
We both know from personal experiences that one person always ends up looking after the children and do not enjoy the wedding. We want to have just adults at the wedding so that we can celebrate the day properly.
My parent and siblings explicitly stated that my nieces and nephews will be REQUIRED to go to the wedding and I have no choice in this matter. My dad even went as far to say that if my nephew will not be allowed to go, he will then also not go.
This broke my heart as I am the only girl in the family and now he doesn't want to even attend. My brothers said 'I do not care what she wants, my children WILL be there.' Take into consideration that all my nieces and nephews are under the age of 7.
My fiancé's family has been supper supportive and respects our wishes of not having any children at the wedding. They even made arrangements up until this point to have the little ones taken care of.
Now I am honestly considering not inviting my parents anymore because they are forcing me to do something that is not part of our wishes.
I love them al dearly, but I feel they don't want to make the sacrifice for me and my fiancé's big day. As I ultimately mean, it us getting married and not them. So WIBTA for telling them that I will not be inviting them as they want to rather spend the day with their grandchildren than celebrate the day with me?
Later, she edited the post to include:
Edit 1: Forgot to add. My fiancé and I are paying for our whole wedding. Neither the in-laws nor my family us contributing a cent because it's always a one sided competition with my mom of 'They gave this much and we can only give this and now we look bad' or stuff like that so we are avoiding this situation completely
Here's what people had to say:
analyst19 said:
NTA Just say, as cheerfully as possible: “Sorry, brother/dad/etc. We’re not having children under 16 due to venue requirements and safety issues. If this means you can’t attend the wedding, we understand and hope to celebrate with you some other time.”
Now, if your dad is paying for some or all of the wedding, you have to abide by his rules and let him have some control over the guest list. If you’re paying for it yourself, then you have full reign over the guest list.
Fenrir426 said:
NTA. Your wedding , your rules. But did you tell them that it's not that you just don't wants kids there , but that kids AREN'T allowed to be there for safety measure? To be totally honest if you have already tell them that, then your family isn't the smartest.
canvasshoes2 said:
NTA. The bride and groom don't need any reason other than 'we want a child-free wedding.' It is YOUR wedding. It's too bad that your family is being such pills about this, but heck, if you're getting married in a venue that doesn't allow kids under 16, the problem sort of solves itself right?
Stick to your guns. This mindset of some people, that children should just be accepted everywhere, no matter what, is toxic as all get out. (mom and grandma here, grown kids, several grandkids). People have a right to enjoy things child-free if they want to.
EarlyStatement4799 said:
NTA. Your parents are not interested in you getting married. They want a family reunion paid for by you, that's why they are all insisting. It sounds like there have been a lot of conversations about it behind your back.
savvyliterate said:
NTA. And with this attitude from your family, I would seriously consider eloping.
Mishy162 said:
NTA. Just let them know you are sorry to hear that they won't be able to attend your wedding. Don't bother even sending them invitations based on what they are saying. Because if they rsvp yes, then turn up with the kids, the venue won't let them in because of safety, so you will have paid for people not attending.
In the comments OP provided this info:
The reason I dont know my nieces and nephews is because my brother hasn't made any effort of coming to visit and I also dont have the money tl visit them. He lives in America so as a South African it is extremely expensive to fly over and visit. I have seen them once or twice on Facetime but never had a full on conversation with them due to their age.
I am not expecting the grandparents to look after them. It was just a suggestion. They have various friends and family members that live close to the wedding venue which I believe will look after the children as they love them dearly.
I cant blame my parents for much, dad lost his job when I was 13. My boyfriend (now fiancé) and I started dating when I was 15. His dad paid for my school years because my parents couldn't afford it anymore. I had to give up on a lot of my extra curricular (sport, cultural activities) because my parents made the cuts.
But where I do blame is that I had to make all these sacrifices in my life, hell I was willing to drop out of school because there was no money, but still my brothers were thriving. My parents sent my brothers over to work in America.
They sent my one brother over to get married and they helped pay for the wedding. They helped pay for my eldest brothers wedding. All whilst I had to make cuts in life because there was no money.
I blame them for not helping me once whilst I was at University. I was the first and only one in my family to attend. I got a bursary that turned into a scholarship. I received other funding to cover the difference my bursary didn't cover.
During my studies i worked part time jobs to get some extra money and graduated (which they didnt celebrate but opted for celebrating my brothers birthday whilst he is in America). Went to do my honors, I celebrated alone with my fiané because dad was working and couldnt get the day off (but he was able to get the day off when it was his grandsons birthday to spend the day with him).
Not once did they offer to help me with something because they couldn't. I had to cough up money once when it was Covid and I had to stay at home because now their expenses were more than what they planned so I had to cover the differences.
My dad has borrowed money twice and hasn't paid me back. I dont ask anymore because its always a problem
They didn't celebrate when I started working, nor did they celebrate when I bought my first car. My dad and mom would rather facetime my brother on his birthday, bake him a cake and buy a s%^# ton of gifts than celebrate that moment with me (which for me was a milestone because I did it on my own).
Even now in April, it was my 25th birthday. After making a promise of buying me something I really wanted, they ended up not doing that because there was no money, but in May all of a sudden they had enough money to throw this huge party for my nephew that turned 4, bought him a jacket worth $90, a ton of other gifts and it broke me. 💔
I love them.. i honestly do, but I needed your harsh reality to make me realise its a one way street.
In response to a comment OP provided this update:
My fiance and I had to move the wedding due to the loss of a family member so we are just sorting out some of these issues first. We were able to move it with no hassle. I have spoken to my parents indirectly about everything and they still standing firm. I think they think I wont go through with everything haha.
So I am just letting the loss of a beloved family member settle first and then I will be informing my family member listen hey... so either you can come to my qedding and bring no children or i will be celebrating the day without you. I will go as far as to say I will ask my future BIL to walk me down the isle because I aint dealing with their s^%&....But Ill let you know once that happens :)