'AITA for refusing the pay for a destination wedding for my daughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing the pay for a destination wedding for my daughter? We can afford it."

My daughter is getting married, and she wishes to have a destination wedding and I told her no. My wife feels I should do it because we can afford it, but I find it to be a pointless showing of wealth. Now my daughter is not talking to me, nor is my wife. Which got me thinking should I bite the bullet and essentially burn money, and alienate family members to make my daughter's dream wedding a reality?

Edit: Forgot to mention she wants to get married in NZ, we also are from NY.

Edit: Forgot to mention she is currently asking for around $200k. This is not counting what guests would have to pay to come.

People had a lot to say to OP.

Gumgums66 wrote:

NTA. If she can’t pay for a destination wedding on her own, then she shouldn’t be having a destination wedding. It seems cruel but it’s true. Not to mention there’s so much more money involved with the flights and the hotels and stuff. Is she going to be paying for her own ticket or are you expected to fork out for them too? And her fiancées' ticket.

Not to mention the fact that she’s thrown a strop and isn’t talking to you tells me she doesn’t deserve it. I’m a believer that we are not entitled to our parent's money. I don’t expect any inheritance off of my dad if he ever passes, even though he has a big life insurance. I would rather have my dad than the money.

Jerseygirl2468 asked a key question:

INFO did you agree to give her money towards the wedding? It's her wedding and I think they should make the decisions they want to, but you aren't obligated to pay for it. You could always just gift her a set dollar amount and let them decide how to spend it.

And OP answered:

I agreed to pay for her wedding, I was not expecting her to want to get married in NZ.

Substantial-Air3395 wrote:

NTA - don't reward their silent treatment.

RB1327 wrote:

NTA. If your daughter and wife have both stopped speaking to you because of this, then I'm guessing there has been a lot of "spoilage" in your family to this point---now you're reaping what you sowed. It's not just about being able to afford it. And if by "alienating" people you are saying you have a lot of family who struggle financially, then yes this would probably not go over with delight.

Even if you were willing to completely finance a destination wedding (paying flights/accommodations and other expenses for guests), it can still be quite a burden for people to take time off for that kind of travel. And if you're not footing the entire bill, it can go beyond just being a burden to being impossible for family members to attend.

pnutbuttercups56 asked for some clarification:

INFO: Did you tell your daughter you will be paying for her wedding or is she asking? Meaning did you promise to cover the wedding sometime before?

"My wife feels I should do it because we could afford it,"

Is this joint money between you and your wife? Would you spend the same amount of money on a local wedding? This is an actual destination wedding right? Not your daughter lives in California and wants to married there but you live in New York?

"and alienate family members"

Is this because they would not be able to a attend? Are they invited?

And OP answered:

It is 100% a destination wedding she wants to get married in NZ. They are invited but the price excludes them many of our family cannot afford to fly let alone stay in NZ. Some of our family members don't even have passports or have left the country.

What local wedding comes out at the same cost as a destination wedding? Yes, I told her I would pay for her wedding, but never agreed to pay for a destination wedding.

After receiving a lot of comments, OP shared an update.

Edit: Thanks for all of the comments have given me a great deal to think about. Before anything else, I know I am not the father of the year, and I am a spineless coward. Tomorrow I am going to start making phone calls to price what a wedding in NY would cost at different head counts from 100 to 200 people. I do not know the exact size I just know he also has a large close family.

After I get that information I will use that to make an informed choice, but it will be an either or situation. Because they are playing this game I will tell both of them my wife and daughter that it is a wedding or house. If my wife makes a fuss over it that is a battle I will have to face at another time.

Hopefully, everything works out in the end.