'AITA for refusing to help my daughter honor her stepfather at her wedding?'
"AITA for refusing to help my daughter honor her stepfather at her wedding?"
I have two children. Emily (30f) and Hayes (26m) with my ex-wife. She left me a few months after Hayes was born and ended up getting back together with her high school ex Sam. Sam and my ex ended up marrying seven months later.
Emily has always adored Sam. I, however, hate the guy. For years he would work on getting under my skin, saying I wasn't a good enough dad to my daughter because I wasn't enough and she considered him her dad too.
He'd tell me every single time she had called him Daddy Sam or Dad Sam. When I told him he was being childish he'd tell me in return that he knew it would cut me up inside to have to share her affection as dad.
He told me one day he would be walking her down the aisle and maybe she'd even want him to do it alone and would not want me anywhere near them for that.
Despite all this Sam was never able to come between me and Emily and we have always been very close. Sam never cared for Hayes as much. I think Hayes being gay has a large part to play in Sam not caring for him as much as he does Emily.
There are times I had to restrain myself from exploding in front of the kids when Sam would taunt me. I knew he'd love a chance to get me out of my kids lives.
Last year Sam was diagnosed with motor neuron disease. He's now in a wheelchair and has lost his mobility and his speech has suffered greatly. Emily is getting married in a few months and wanted us both to bring her down the aisle.
A week ago she came to my house and told me she wanted to pay a special tribute to Sam and she wanted my help to do it (both finance and planning). I told her I would not help her with that.
She was upset. Said Hayes refused to help her as well. She told me Sam means a lot to her and she would have thought I would be glad that she had two amazing father figures.
I told her Sam and I did not have a positive relationship and there is no way I would ever spend my money or time doing something nice for the man. I told her he had treated me poorly over the years and I accepted she loved him but he was not worthy of my money or that effort in my eyes. She asked me if I would do it for her. I told her I could not. She said okay.
Emily's fiance called me up after this and said whatever petty issues between Sam and I, could I not do something for my daughter when she's going to lose one of her most special people.
He said I was breaking Emily's heart because she doesn't want to be caught between us. That it's clear I am enjoying watching Sam suffer as he is and that's proven by my actions and I'm not being a good dad to Emily. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. Ask Emily why it was ok for Sam to dismiss Hayes because he was gay yet show her so much attention because she wasn't. Her relationship with Sam is her own. She can't expect others to forget or ignore their own mistreat by Sam just to make her happy. She is an adult. She should know better.
Yeah expecting OP to foot the bill for someone who has been so horrible to both him and his son is asinine. And if fiancé feels so strongly about it, then he’s more than free to cough up the cash necessary to carry out his soon-to-be wife’s plan.
Plus, why do they need extra money for this tribute? Are they building him a shrine or something?
He’s not even dead yet - he’s supposed to go down the aisle with her. If she wanted to say something in a speech at the reception…okay…but to spend money to celebrate the guy at the wedding is bizarre.
It’s like a pre-funeral wake she wants OP to pay for so that she can show everyone how much SD means to her. She needs some therapy to deal with her big emotions over the coming loss of SD. NTA.
NTA OP. Actions have consequences. Tell fiancé if he feels you're ruining his fiancée's big day he can arrange for that along with his MIL's help. He will back out for sure once he hears it.
Also your daughter never felt bad when her stepdad was taunting you and her brother but now feels dejected that you aren't going out of your way to help that same man.
The OP responded in the comments here:
She wasn't aware of him taunting me back then. I don't even know if she realizes how different Sam was with her brother. But she is aware now and I feel like there should be understanding, even if not for me, for her brother.
But she was angry at him for not wanting to do anything special for Sam. That kills me because I hate seeing my children not getting along. But Emily can't change her brother's feelings for Sam.