'Destination wedding for husband’s granddaughter shatters marriage; 'I've moved into the extra bedroom.' + UPDATE
"Destination wedding for husband’s granddaughter, he won’t do anything to get his passport."
Been married to my second husband for 27 years. He has two kids who I really like and get along with. One daughter has 4 daughters who are a bit spoiled. I made sure to give the grand-daughters nice presents for their graduation gifts and have always been the ”nice step-grandma who is pretty much ignored by the grandkids”.
My husband does zero work on any gift giving or travel arranging when we have attended any of their events. That’s all left up to me. We attended the weddings of the first 2 grand-daughters, both of which were about 3 hours away.
I arranged the trip, bought and wrapped the gifts and bought cards, we attended the event and I was again the “nice step-grandma who is pretty much ignored by the grandkids”.
‘About 4 months ago we received a “save the date” card, letting us know that the 3rd grand-daughter will be getting married in another country, in mid-2025. I have a passport but husband does not. I told him he will need to get a passport to attend this. He’s done nothing.
A few weeks ago I asked if he really wanted to go to this, and he said yes. I reminded him that he would need a passport. So I went online to see what he needed to get that. One item was the date of divorce from his prior wife. He said he “wasn’t going to get into that”.
I said okay and dropped the whole issue. I had been looking at airline flights and the tickets would have cost about $2,000 for both of us. The hotel would be another $1,000 (all inclusive Place).
The invite for the wedding is taped to the front Of the fridge and I am not going to bring this up again. if he asks, I will let him know that if he actually gets off his butt and gets his passport I will make travel arrangements.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that the wedding is on a Wednesday, which means we would have to fly out Tuesday, and fly back Thursday. I cannot believe she chose Wednesday for her wedding day.
EDIT 2: As you can tell, there’s more going on than just the wedding. I will be sure to post an update when he completely fails to do anything to go to the wedding, and therefore we don’t go.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Tell the relevant daughter that her dad doesn't have a passport, and at present he has decided not to apply for one; you just want to give her a heads up so she's aware of the situation, as you wouldn't like her daughter to be disappointed.
You've tried to help him fill out the forms, but when it got to the divorce date bit he just decided he wasn't going to continue. If you don't have a relationship with her, then tbh, not your problem not your monkeys. He's not a baby, or severely disabled, ergo he has to apply for his own passport.
It's the "wasn't going to get into that" that put off an alarm bell for me. Why won't he get into it? Is it after he started dating OP? It would explain the kids ignoring her.
Far-Cup9063 (OP)
His kids are actually from wife #1 who passed away before I met any of them. His divorce was from wife #2. But I don’t understand why he will put no effort into finding the divorce date or working on the passport other than purée laziness.
Two and a half weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
To all of you who commented before, thanks. This is the update and I know I’m setting myself up to get knocked about, but this is the internet after all. I saw the divorce decree from his prior wife, so he is indeed divorced and he and I are legally married.
Since that post, I have told him he needs to engage in the cleaning and taking care of things around the house. He Is now responsible for one bathroom and I’m responsible for the other.
He actually pointed out a “cleaning method” to me and I said, “great, do whatever you like.” He has been frustrated by the new order around here and continues to do as little as possible. I have tried to remain cheerful and positive.
His daughter called to confirm we are coming. He said “of course” and later asked me “we are going, right?” I said when you get your passport I will make the reservations. He looked dumbstruck.
I told him the application has been sitting (right where I told him) and he denied ever hearing me say that. He started working on the application, then asked me if He had a birth certificate. I told him “I assume so, because you were born.”
He asked where it was and I told him I have no idea, figure it out. He was getting frustrated. I went and fetched it from the files, and angrily told him here it is and you can take care of this from now on. Yes, I spoke angrily. Yes I slammed it down on the table.
He flipped out and threw a plastic bottle of salad dressing into the kitchen and it broke and splattered all over the cabinets. Like the mature adults we are, the rest of the day was spent in silence.
I went into my office, and he was again glued to the damn political news on the tv, just like he has been for years. He eventually cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. I refuse to cook for him, will not do any of his laundry.
I had just changed the sheets on the bed and I bet they are there this time next year. I have taken up residence in the extra bedroom and my office, which are on one side of the house.
I’m not sure what will come of this, but I wish the divorce from his prior wife had never been finalized. I would now be free. Financially, we are kind of stuck together but I will work toward getting unstuck.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's posts:
"I assume so, because you were born."
Perfect! UpdateMe about if he gets it together in time to get his passport. I think someone mentioned in your previous post something about maybe telling the bride that he hasn’t gotten his passport.
If you’re on decent terms with her, you might want to mention it to her anyway. If you don’t tell her now and he doesn’t get to go, he’s going to tell her that you never told him, just like he denied you saying you’d told him before. If nothing else, her getting on him might jumpstart him more than anything you do. Good luck! Enjoy your trip with or without him.
Far-Cup9063 (OP)
The bride has been informed of the situation, because his daughter texted me later and I filled her in about the actual obstacle. She and I are on great terms (love her) and I told her no matter what happens, I will get the bride a beautiful gift.
Nothing sexier than a man who throws a salad dressing bottle when asked to complete a grown up task.
Far-Cup9063 (OP)
Yeaahhh. To his credit, he wasn’t aiming at me. I admit I have thrown things in anger and frustration before. At least it was the Ranch dressing, which I don’t eat anyway.
Let him have his little hissy fit. Don’t bend. As I sarcastically say behind some of my clients’ backs, being an adult is hard sometimes. Suck it tf up.