In-law's use '23andme' ruse to see if their grandchild is theirs; wife disowns them. UPDATED
"AITAH for not wanting my husband's mom at our wedding?"
PressureEmergency250
For context: My husband and I got married in a court house 2 years ago. I told my husband to tell his family but he didn't want to since his family wasn't my biggest fan. His family can be extremely judgemental and have said they "didn't like me or my character" because I grew up in a place completely opposite of where they're from.
Every time I had met with his family some type of drama would unfold. For example, his mom accused me of "touching" his brothers leg inappropriately at his grandfather's funeral. I slapped his knee because he told me a joke I thought was funny.
I chalked it up to the fact she just lost her dad, she didn't like me, so she needed someone to take some type of anger out on. I put up with a lot more than that for my husband since I never wanted to be the type of person to ask him to choose.
5 months ago I had our second child. When I had found out I was pregnant my husband and I were going through a rough patch, we almost divorced because of a lot of things his mother being one of them. We decided to really work on our marriage and we've been amazing ever since. The best we've ever been.
During my pregnancy his mother and I got really close. I'd like to say im a really forgiving person and try to see the best in everyone, also it was making my husband happy. She even came down to stay with us when I had the baby.
Fast forward a month later she called my husband and said her and his dad would love to come and visit since his dad had yet to meet the baby. I thought the visit went well. But, when my husband went outside to get my toddlers carseat from their rental car, my FIL told my husband he needs to swab his mouth to make sure the baby was his.
My husband of course got angry and asked my FIL if that was the reason they came to visit. My MIL ran outside because she heard them fighting and told my husband it was nothing like that, that everyone in the family was swabbing their mouths because they were doing a 23andMe. She said that my SIL and BIL had done it so they wanted him to do it too. He declined doing one and we left it at that.
A month after the visit, my MIL called my husband and said she needed to speak with him privately. He went outside for an hour to speak with his mother and he came back inside visibly upset.
He pulled me to my room privately and informed me that my MIL and FIL had swabbed both my newborns mouth and my toddlers mouth when they had visited. They said that my toddler came back 99.99% related to them but my new born only came back 11% related to them. So they felt the need to tell my husband so he could get my newborn DNA tested.
I was confused and angry. I had also just found out my brother had a brain tumor as well so there had already been alot going on for me emotionally. When my husband and I separated I had not slept with anyone else since our relationship was so rocky.
I didn't want to do anything more to jeopardize losing him so I wasn't understanding why she felt the need to take a DNA test into her own hands especially since it wasn't a concern of my husbands.
Ever since my husband was told of the DNA test, he and his mother would not stop fighting for a number of reasons. I no longer trusted her with my children and I no longer wanted her around and she couldn't understand that.
We decided to get a DNA test on our newborn so we can shove the results in her face and we could move on with our lives. Of course the test came back 99.999999999% my husband's and she thought we could just pretend it didn't happen but the damage was done.
That brings us to today. We set boundaries with MIL and FIL. They can no longer video chat the children everyday like before, our daughter is not allowed to go over MIL's alone, and we no longer update them about things going on in our lives. We've kept them at a distance and it's working for us.
Recently my husband and I started marriage classes so we could redo our wedding with our families included. My family knows the whole situation with MIL and I'm also not her biggest fan so I told my husband I do not feel comfortable inviting them to our wedding.
My husband was obviously upset but understood. We have sent out our save the dates to everyone in his family but MIL and FIL. There has been nothing but drama since.
I'm putting my foot down on the situation and still strong on the decision that I do not want them to come but my husband is stressed because they're involving everyone in his family in our drama. Should I just give in for his sake and invite them? Should I stand my ground and still say no? AITA if I don't invite them?
EDIT: I just want to clarify a few things. My husband told his mom we got married an hour after we said I do. He was hesitant to tell his MIL because she wasn't my biggest fan and she wants all her children to get married in a church.
So, the first words out of her mouth were, "you guys aren't actually married" and it is now "that is not your wife" whenever they're arguing because she's inebriated.
Also, my husband is the one who wants this wedding. I was reluctant and I personally thought a party was enough but he does want us to get married married in a church so after I thought about it and I figured things out with myself religiously, I agreed.
And to answer the question most asked. She has not apologized. She has called me to "talk" out the situation and I explained to her I understood her doubt. I also explained to her that it made no sense to me why she couldn't just ask me for the test since her and i were in such a good spot. I would have done in willingly.
Her "apology" went along the lines of "I'm not going to apologize because I believe what I did was right to protect mine" and when I informed her we were taking some space her response was "I don't understand because I've disrespected you so much in the past why is now different?"
So for those saying they're all for second chances. I've given her a million. I've spoke with my husband about the situation and he said that he is fine with either. He is fine with them not being there and he is fine with them being there under certain conditions.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Bella-1999
Let‘s see, they obtained your children’s genetic information without your consent, and tried to sow doubt in your husband’s mind. (Not to mention they handed their dna over to Big Data!)
You don’t mention any sincere apologies. At the very least you deserve a symphony of Grovel in B major. They’re now whipping up drama with the rest of the family. Does the rest of the family know about the creepy dna testing? The world is full of nice people, don’t waste your time on these dirtbags.
invisible_panda
This exactly. The conducted a medical test, given your children's DNA to a company without your consent with the sole purpose of ruining your marriage. I would not every let them around again. I would also make it very clear to all family the reasons why and if they don't think that is sufficient they don't need to be there either.
emryldmyst
Nta. Are you kidding me??? I'd never have anything to do with that side ever again and neither would my children.
swbarnes2
What you should have done was said "Sure we'll test the newborn. And if it comes back as my husbands, none of you will ever see any of us again." Then you do the test, get the result, and can wash your hands of them for good. As it stands, you both stand your ground. What MIL did was vile. You don't accuse someone of being a disgusting cheater and expect to be welcomed into their lives.
SnooWords4839
Hubby needs some therapy to break free from his parents. They should never get to see you or your kids again.Husband needs to tell them that they are horrible people and he doesn't want them in his life.
Edited to add: Instead of save the date, send a copy of the DNA tests.
A little over two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"AITAH for not wanting my husband's mom at out wedding? -update"
PressureEmergency250
Hello all. It has been a month since my initial post and I thought I'd update some on the situation. Firstly, I would like to thank all that have provided me with beneficial advice alot of which did not fall on deaf ears so thank you guys.
So after careful consideration I've decided that if my MIL would like to attend the wedding and if my Husband would like to invite her than so be it. I would not like to be the bad guy nor would I like my husband to resent me in the future for not allowing his mother to attend. A lot of people said it is just not the hill to die on and I agree.
My MIL did come to visit this past weekend. I decided to stay home since I would like to protect my mental health and I felt nothing good would come from me meeting with her. My husband however, had multiple conversations with her in regards to the issue.
She stated that my decision to limit her visitation and communication with the kids was out of spite. And that she did "apologize" so it was up to me to accept it. (In other words take it or leave it). Here comes the good part. She has decided that when her lease is up in March she will be moving closer to us (same city) so she could "help us out whenever we need it".
My husband informed her it was not a good idea and that a conversation between her and I would need to happen beforehand. I informed him I have no interest in speaking with her because she is set on the idea that she did nothing wrong.
I did not want her to come down here . And now I feel like I'm distancing myself from my husband because I am trying to avoid the inevitable which would be him taking her side like he did in the past. Granted a lot of changes have happened but I think the whole situation brings up past emotions for me.
To think of her closer to us makes me want to vomit. My husband said something when returning from his meeting with her that was along the lines of "she said she apologized did she?" When I had told him no prior. He did the same exact thing when his mom called me a slVt infront of his whole family same verbiage. "She said she didn't say that did she?"
So that's why it is bring up all of these past emotions and that is why I am saying it is inevitable. I really don't know what to do. I love my husband but at the same time I value my own mental health so I do not have the energy to fight this fight again.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
HumanityIsBizarre
Do not get married to this man, he will not defend you against his mom when it comes down to it, you will always be 3rd place in your own relationship.
stacity
Oh gawd. OP shouldn’t have married him when he hasn’t divorced his mom. This is a bomb waiting to blow.
peter095837
At this point, OP is going to hurt herself further more if she is going to stay in this marriage. It's clear the MIL is very difficult and isn't going to stop with that behavior and OP's husband is not doing anything better to help this situation. I won't be surprised if OP's husband is a momma's boy.
Similar-Shame7517
Yeah, congrats to everyone who convinced OP to surrender her wedding boundary to her MIL, MIL has decided that means she's free to trample over every other boundary. Looks like OP's headed towards divorcetown, population her.
CatmoCatmo
"When I informed her we were taking some space, her response was “I don’t understand because I’ve disrespected you so much in the past, why is now different?"
Christ on a cracker. This woman clearly ADMITS she has been disrespectful in the past. She ACKNOWLEDGES that she was fully aware that what she was doing was disrespectful. Yet she did it anyway and alludes to the fact that the disrespect was purposeful. YET! She still has never apologized for anything.
When she said that, she really meant “I actually did it all on purpose. I didn’t care that it was disrespectful - that’s exactly why I said and did all of those things. But you allowed me to get away with it, so I’m going to keep doing it because apparently no one is going to stop me! MUAHAHAHAHAHHA!”
So I want all those commenters to explain to me, WHY. IN. THE. H3LL. Should OP owe her, or her husband for that matter, anything? What is happening??!?!