Fight over false eyelashes opens woman's eyes to her fake friendship with bride. CONCLUDED
"AITA for not paying for my friends eyelash extensions for her wedding?"
aita_weddinglashes
My (26f) best friend (25f, I'll call her Callie) is getting married in a week and I'm one of her bridesmaids while our other best friend (26f, I'll call her Sam) is the maid of honor. They are my best friends and have been through literally everything in my life with me.
I can't say Callie has been a bridezilla by any means, but she does have a very specific look in mind for her special day. I was told I needed to strip all of the color out of my hair (it was blue and is now a chestnut brown), and had to get new foundation to cover my tattoos as well as shape wear. I did all of this because it's her day and it's not hard to redye my hair after or put foundation on my tattoos.
The actual problem happened yesterday. Callie made an appointment for her, Sam, and I to get eyelash extensions because it will make the day easier, less makeup to worry about and we all suck at putting on falsies. Callie had asked all of the bridal party if we wanted to go and only Sam and I said yes.
To put it frankly, all of Callie's savings and money is going into the wedding, so she is currently low on funds to an extent, and Sam has never exactly been good at saving money.
Meanwhile I'm decent enough that I have some savings set aside and a low budget specifically set aside for this wedding. I figured Callie had put aside money for these extensions and didn't think about it past my money.
As we were checking out with our lash girl, I paid for mine and Sam paid for hers, but Callie just stood there looking at me. I asked her what was up and she just said she was waiting for me. I asked what she meant, and that we should hurry because we had a lunch thing to get to.
She said she couldn't pay for her lashes and that she thought I knew I would be paying for them. I said that I was not aware and I should have been told beforehand because I couldn't afford two sets of $200 lashes. She said she assumed I would "just know" because of how much money has already gone into the wedding and Sam obviously couldn't pay for it.
I said I would not be doing that because I simply could not afford it. If this had taken place before next week it would have been more likely but I can't now.
She started raising her voice and dug out her wallet and paid with her credit card. Sam pulled me aside and said that it was sh*tty of me to not just pay and that I knew what this wedding meant to Callie.
I said if it meant that much, why didn't Sam just pay then? I was told by the both of them that maybe it was best if I just didn't go to lunch and that they would talk to me in a couple of days.
I know that this wedding means a lot to Callie, she has always wanted to be married, but I don't think it's fair of her to assume I would pay for the extensions just because she has stretched her budget thin. However, if I am in the wrong, I will find a way to make up for this, pay her back or something. So Reddit, am I the a**hole??
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
apieceofeight
NTA, no one informed you about it in advance, and even if they had, it’s not on you to pay for the bride’s hair/make up type things. Traditionally, the bride pays for that sort of thing for the bridesmaids. Not your fault she’s spending more than she’d like.
The OP responded here:
aita_weddinglashes
She for sure had not asked prior. She paid for my dress and shoes but that's it.
SpaceJesusIsHere
NTA. People who demand you change your appearance and who feel entitled to your money, especially without discussion, aren't your friends. Friends respect each other.
Want proof she's not your friend? Tell your "friend" that you will not be paying any more money than has already been agreed upon. No more. Then see if she says, "ok, just glad to have you there on my special day, you've already spent so much," or will she say, "you're ruining my special day" and lay on a guilt trip about how you're a bad friend.
pippi2424
NTA. If she wanted you to pay for something that expensive, she should have told you in advance. You're not an ATM.
Cold_View_7949
NTA- clearly Callie is overwhelmed and embarrassed by the reality of her own poor planning and budget constraints. Honestly OP, it sounds like Callie and Sam are pretty comfortable with you paying to cover their budgetary gaps. I wouldn’t be surprised if they habitually discuss your finances and share resentment over their lack thereof.
I would also assume there may be more hidden expenses they are relying on you to pay before this wedding- you should speak to them both candidly about any other expectations they have regarding payment and “gifts” for the wedding and prep. it’s easy for people who are financially (and emotionally) immature to take advantage of a friend who is better off than them if you don’t set clear and vocal boundaries.
I’ve had hard conversations with friends about what I was willing to bring to our relationship (love, friendship, emotional support, time commitment) and what I was not willing to bring (money, my personal property).
I think the larger concern should be the physical changes Callie asked you to make. It’s always a red flag when a bride demands her friends physically conform or micromanages every aspect of your appearance- and insulting!
A friend should find you beautiful as you are and enjoy your presence on their special day without a checklist too physical modifications to match an image. It kinda seems like Callie is compensating for some other areas of insecurity that she can’t or won’t control.
Just get through the wedding with your finances locked down, and then take some time to consider what you invest in this relationship and what you receive in return. It’s okay to outgrow relationships, and let people go when you are no longer on the same wavelength. Good luck, and hopefully you can get back to rocking fun hair colors and awesome tats!
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: AITA for not paying for my friends eyelash extensions for her wedding"
aita_weddinglashes
Hi all! First I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my original post and got me to finally open my eyes to how my "friends" had been treating me.
I took a couple of days after posting to think of how I wanted to proceed and then I took a chance and texted "Callie" and "Sam" asking if we could meet up. They agreed and we went to a coffee shop. As soon as I got there, they were both whispering about something and as soon as they saw me, they stopped.
In that moment, I realized that's how they've always been, adjoined at the hip, whispering together and stopping when I walk in, never taking me seriously and it was like a switch flipped in that moment. I stopped caring.
After getting my coffee, I sat down and we kind of just stared at each other before I finally asked if either of them felt bad about how they treated me. They both seemed surprised and asked how I got to that conclusion.
I said that I had had time to think it over and while I felt bad that Callie had been having to dip into her emergency fund, that was not my fault, nor my problem. If anybody's, it was Sam's because she was MOH.
I said I had been more than accommodating, changing my hair, getting a specific foundation to cover my tattoos, getting shape wear when it makes me uncomfortable, all of it to make her day amazing. They tried to interject but I just shook my head. I told them that they had been my best friends for a very long time, but probably too long.
I went on to list a bunch if times they made me feel like sh*t which I won't bother you with here but I ended by saying I wouldn't be attending the wedding in any capacity and Callie could pick up the shoes, the dress, the shape wear and the foundation from my mom's house because I was done.
They started panicking and tried apologizing but I just got up and asked them to please not talk to me for the foreseeable future and left. They both tried to call and text me for days afterwards but I ignored it. I also got a bunch of texts from the other bridesmaids who clearly had not been told the full story and so I texted all four of them with the full story.
I didn't hear anything back but got a bunch of calls and voicemails from Callie and let's just say they were not nice. I finally texted her and told her her attitude towards all of this just proved my point and that I didn't think we could be friends anymore.
I guess the wedding went on as planned which I suppose I'm glad for. And to everyone who was upset about me changing my hair, I'm happy to inform you, it is now neon pink! I think that's it. I'll be moving states with my boyfriend in about a month and I'll be cutting contact with Sam as well so I don't expect anything else will come of any of this.
Thank you to every single one of you and I hope the update is what most of you wanted! It's definitely not what I expected but it is what I think needed to happen!
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
FuzzyMom2005
NTA. Sometimes you just know. And you just knew. Good for you for making Callie pick up the stuff (did she?). Good luck with the move.
The OP responded here:
aita_weddinglashes
Yea she did the day before the wedding so I'm guessing she didn't find anyone to fill the spot🤷♀️ she also threw a huge fit at my mom's trying to get her on her side but my mom refused to put up with it.
Minants
Just how toxic Callie and sam must be if all important people of OP admitted they never like how those 2 best friends treated OP. With how they whispering then stopped whenever OP was around, they know what they were doing, actually planned everything and happily took advantage of OP.
mithradatdeez
You know those two are going to turn on each other instantly without OP to pick on.
Ok-Ebb4485
What’s important here is that you got the message and did something about it. Neither one gave a damn about you, and both were using you constantly. Smart move cutting contact, and I hope you’re able to find friends who actually care about someone as kind and caring as you, OP! 😊