Aerialist's fiancé pressures her to perform at wedding; 'there's something much more sinister going on.' UPDATED 2X
"Fiancé(30) keeps pressuring me(f29) to perform party tricks with friends. He also wants me to perform at our wedding"
throwraeffective
I lurked long enough to know that one of the main questions is how long we've been together. I met him in college and we started dating after graduation. I was also recently promoted to a position with different hours that allowed me to pursue a hobby I did through high school.
I practice aerial silks, and my new position allows me to clock out before the studio closes. I kept up some conditioning that I used to do in the gym, so it helped me somewhat stay in shape over the years. However, I've noticed a change in my fiancé (James) since inviting him to a practice.
We were invited to a graduation party over the summer, and one of the games they played involved a volunteer party trick for a prize. James raised his hand on my behalf without warning and asked me to do a split, and everyone was looking at me.
Before I continue, my studio had a recital that I didn't feel ready to perform in. I was just getting back after years off, and I vented to him about how I was shy for other reasons.
The first was that I was really rusty, and the second was because of some weight I was trying to lose. Those were my reasons for skipping the recital that he knew weeks before the graduation party.
So when he asked me to do a split/handstand on the spot, I was really anxious and whispered I didn't want to. But he tried to get others to cheer me on to do it, and that's when I started to cry. I got up to go to the bathroom after they moved on to someone else, and he followed me and apologized too.
For context, he wasn't like this until he came to my practice, and he did something else a few weeks before the graduation party too. He began asking me to do flexible positions in bed, and I didn't mind the first time he asked. But he has wanted to have more intimacy since my practice, and he'd ask me about different poses each time.
I don't mind sometimes, but he's been unusually pushy since the practice, even when I said I didn't want to sometimes. I told him I was fine with it sometimes, but he keeps bringing me new poses he looked up that turn him on but aren't ideal for me, and I felt like an object with his splits request at the graduation.
I accepted his graduation apology when we talked at home, and I told him I didn't mind trying poses from time to time. But I also told him that sometimes didn't mean every time, and I also told him how the graduation hurt my feelings. He's since apologized and stopped requesting poses for a few weeks, but something else he said made me wonder if he got it at all.
He said he wanted to respect my request, but he also asked if I could perform silks at our wedding after looking up some YouTube weddings that featured them. I told him I didn't want to and that it didn't seem like the time or place, not to mention becoming sweaty and having to change clothes.
I also pointed out how those videos featured contracted performers and not the bride performing. I haven't told family/friends that I got back into silks because I want to refine my skills/confidence a bit, but he's been pushing me because it'd "help me overcome my fears."
But when I told him no, he told me to think about it and that he'd check back with me occasionally, and that really bothered me. I'm not ready, but he doesn't understand that. He's also not the one performing. But he's been really pushy since attending my practice, and it's honestly turning me off a lot.
I just wanted to ask how to go forward from here after he said he laid off the bed requests to "give me space", but that "sometimes we need to be pushed to overcome our fears". He has not backed off of me performing, and I'm honestly thinking about calling things off with how pushy he's become.
edit: I'm at the point of trying to find the words to call things off. The first talk we had was when I vented about why I didn't feel comfortable performing at the studio recital. The second was after he blindsided me at the graduation and apologized after, and that was when we talked about his bed requests and he promised to stop requesting poses too, and he did.
But then he began using the wedding performance as something he wanted to push me into (to overcome fears) and wouldn't take no for an answer, and that's why I'm at my wits end. He's even been looking into renting a silks rig for the wedding after I said no, and that was my last straw.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Ebbie45
Honestly, I do think it would be healthiest if you called things off. And you may get comments encouraging you to "Give him an ultimatum" or "Sit down and have a serious talk with him" but the reality is that you have had repeated conversations with him and he refuses to stop. This is not a communication issue; it's a sexual and emotional coercion issue.
Nani65
Your fiance's request is gross. It sounds like it's a sexual thing for him - I think he just wants all the men there to oogle you and envy him. Ish to the nth degree.
haveyouseenmyshadow
Keep repeating no is no until he gets it, he will. I'm a fire dancer and do acrobatics but I wouldn't even think of doing it on my wedding day. His request is selfish.
Alphachadbeard
Call things off. I'm also an aerialist and it attracts creeps like flies on honey. This guy is a creep.
lemonloaf21
He coercing you. Please do not marry or have children with him.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
throwraeffective
I talked to him shortly after my post and had a few notes from what I mentioned above. I told him about how he changed since my practice and that I felt like an object since too.
From ignoring numerous no's after giving him too many chances, I told him I was done with the relationship because it had been going on for months. But he said I was being unreasonable and that he "gave me the space that I asked for."
When I told him that I never asked for space, he asked what would happen if our kids never learned to step out of their comfort zone, but I told him that that was unrelated. The bottom line was that he ignored me numerous times over the past few months, but he said I wasn't being fair.
He also that he downloaded some photos from my old circus Facebook account (a separate one I used to have for silks only) and posted them for encouragement, and I had no clue until he told me.
He said he wanted to show me for encouragement because I was "better than I thought", and he took me to an Instagram I didn't know he had. It wasn't his main, and the account was mostly for memes. It also had a different name that wasn't related to anything personal, but he said some of his friends followed it.
He showed me some posts that came from downloaded images of my high school/college performances, and he never asked for my consent. He even wrote that I was lacking in confidence, and he showed me some comments that said positive things.
But there were also one or two that were somewhat lewd from people I didn't know, and the bottom line was he never asked for consent. He also scrolled away from the lewd ones quickly too. I planned to post my silks comeback on Facebook/Instagram after my first recital, but it hadn't happened yet.
He told people that I came back on his account, and he said he planned to show me the account/encouragement closer to the wedding. He also said I was being unfair because it was a "part of me that he found attractive", so I should be willing to do more in bed.
He wasn't like this before I got back into silks (after years off) and coming to my practice, and he's been a different person since. He even admitted to getting pleasure from some of the photos, but that he'd rather do it with me. That really bothered me because some of the ones he posted were of me in high school, on top of everything else.
I'm currently working on moving in with a girlfriend temporarily, and she is going to help me move. My now ex-fiancé also made a post about how I was being "unreasonable" and "getting upset at him for supporting me on silks".
He also said I was projecting my insecurities onto him for trying to be supportive, but he didn't include the bedroom pressure or wedding performance he was pushing for. I also asked him to take the photos down, but he said he wouldn't. It really feels like an invasion of privacy.
I also talked to my parents as some suggested, and they were happy to learn I got back into silks albeit sad at the same time. My dad is really upset at him and said he's trying to look into the photos being removed, but I'm not sure if much can be done.
Mom said that me getting back into silks likely triggered something that was always inside him since he knew I did silks in the past, and he became excited when I got back into it. It's just been really stressful, and I'm taking a break from silks for now.
I'll try to go back someday, but I'm just really stressed and will probably take some time off from work too. A few aerialists/circus artists also gave advice in my first post which surprised me, and some said it unfortunately wasn't uncommon to find people like my ex-fiancé who sexualize everything and can't appreciate the art/skills.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
blessedsomeofthetime
He took your artistic abilities and made them into a kink of his and tried to force that kink on you. THe fact that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did and has continued to do is alarming. Good for you for having the value to remove yourself from his toxicity. He needs help.
xxchocxx
He sounds incredibly creepy, and he’s probably always had certain views and thoughts that you didn’t know about. I’m really glad that you now see him as your ex too :)
TruthfulBoy
I'm proud of you for leaving this creep. What a pushy creepy guy. Don’t let him ruin your art, do your art for you. There will always be a weirdo who makes a kink out of something artistic or innocent (I mean, look at My Little Pony) but the people worth being around will support you in healthy ways.
So happy you have a support system! You should definitely be able to get your photos taken down since it is literally you in the photo, happy your dad is helping with that. Yeah, you need a Mental health vacation!!! Have fun or relax, take care of yourself love. Also?? I had a good friend who did aerial silks, such a beautiful art form, you’re cool!
PatchEnd
Stay strong OP! You've made the correct decision.
Don't marry someone that won't listen to you, and he obviously didn't!
Four months later, the OP returned with a final update.
throwraeffective
Hey guys. I just wanted to come back to this community especially because it was really helpful, and a few people from here reached out too. I wanted to get back into silks for the new year, and I'm hoping to soon. I wanted to start in January, but some stuff happened that's been stressful during and after the breakup.
He's been really spiteful since we broke up, and he refused to take the photos down. I tried reporting the photos he stole from my circus Instagram like some suggested, and some of them were able to come down after my parents reported it too. But he then began posting my photos to one of his meme Twitter accounts since our breakup, and he's posted some that I didn't know I had.
I have since made my circus Instagram private for the time being, but I don't want it to be private because it's specifically for aerial and sometimes helpful as a resume for landing gigs by word of mouth... not that I was back to being in shape for performing, but it shows my progress over the years.
I'm guessing he downloaded other photos in the past, and my friend thinks he used some kind of downloader to download them from Instagram. She also said he could've screenshotted it, and the whole thing's been annoying.
I've been trying to move forward with my life, but dad has been suggesting legal action for two reasons. One is that he posted new photos of me including some from high school practicing/performing, and the second is because he admitted to getting pleasure from my photos after we broke up and right before I moved out.
That really messed with me, and I don't know how long he's done that for. He didn't specify what age I was in the photos he did that on, but dad is encouraging me to bring it up to authorities because he thinks there might be something more there, and he's uploaded a steady diet of new photos since the breakup despite my page being temporarily private.
The only reason I didn't do it immediately was because he suggested getting a lawyer first (because he's been vindictive) along with a therapist that I now have, and he wanted me to talk to my therapist about it to.
I've hit a delay in going back to my silks studio not just because of what he said about my photos (and posting new ones I never thought he had), but mostly because of the possibility of something much more sinister going on.
In some of my younger photos back in high school, there were other kids in them too, and I'm considering reporting it not just for that reason, but also because I feel I won't have peace until I do.
I just hate people like him who sexualize everything and probably never appreciated the skills/hard work. He made another comment before I moved out, and he said "the only reason people cheer when girls do splits and no other moves is because they're opening their legs".
He began insulting me before I moved out, and it's made me so angry just to remember them. I'm trying to forget and work with my therapist, but I'm hoping to return to silks at some point this year after sorting through what I mentioned. I especially appreciate the support from this community and the person who suggested asking fellow aerialists here.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:
Dedadidra
Thank you for posting an update! I am sorry that the situation hasn’t gotten better with the break up but I hope it will improve soon. Sending all the good energy your way!
ivegotcheesyblasters
This creep discovered a darkness he didn't know he had and decided that took precedence over his partner, his relationship and his entire life. Also, these performances aren't sexual....unless you consider the performer's body exclusively as a sexual object. The fact that he's halfway to impersonating her is even stranger.
SmartQuokka
We have generational trauma for breakfast.
Glad there is a lawyer involved, i hope they destroy him.
ByeByeBaby-
This is one of those times when "overcoming fears" sounds more like a personal agenda. Good on OP for calling it quits.
peter095837
Reading this gives me the icks. He's a creep and a gross person. Glad she dodged a missile here.