Pastor invites whole congregation to woman's wedding and reception, they take EVERYTHING.
"Pastor invites whole congregation to my sister’s wedding and reception."
Riviera_Sunset
My sister and her husband got married 15 years ago, but I still think of it as the cringiest wedding I’ve attended. At the time, my sister was a college student with a minimum wage job, and while her husband was a bit older with a steady job, they planned their wedding on a tight budget.
They were both very involved in their small town church and planned to have the wedding ceremony in their church officiated by their pastor. The church wasn’t fancy by any means but the cost of the ceremony itself was very cheap.
They allocated most of their wedding budget to have a reception in a hotel ballroom in a larger city that was about 30 minutes away. Due to budget constraints, they were not able to afford a full dinner, although the wedding ceremony started at 8pm.
The hotel would set up a heavy appetizer buffet at the reception. IIRC the menu was something like fried mozzarella cheese sticks, boneless wings, and spinach artichoke dip.
They had specifically ordered food for their amount of invited guests (75 or so ETA: almost all of which were the wedding party and family) and once the food was gone, that was it. The hotel would not be refilling the buffet.
Apparently it was customary at this small town church to invite the entire congregation to weddings held at the church. ETA: My sister was not aware of this practice as she had only been attending the church for 6 months or so before the wedding.
The Sunday before the wedding, during church service, the pastor invited everyone to attend the ceremony and also mentioned the location where the reception would be held.
My sister was mortified but there wasn’t much she could do at that point to disinvite the congregation. The pastor had not asked for their permission before making the announcement. She thought it would be fine if they chose to attend the ceremony but blindly hoped they would have the good sense not to attend the reception at a fancy hotel.
The day of the wedding, at least 50 “uninvited” guests showed up at the church, many dressed casually in jeans or overalls. After the ceremony, the wedding party and their families stayed at the church for another hour or so to take pictures.
By the time I left the church, I knew I would be arriving at the reception around 10pm. I was starving and wanted something more substantial than appetizers so my husband and I stopped at a fast casual restaurant that was just about to close and grabbed some soup and sandwiches to take with us to the reception.
I am so glad we did because as we arrived, the last of the “uninvited” guests were leaving the reception. It became clear they had annihilated the buffet, leaving no food for the wedding party and family.
Somehow my sister and BIL stayed on good terms with the pastor, but I would have been so angry with him. I only wish that I had the foresight to pick up more food. My poor elderly grandparents were starving.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Farinthoughts
That is horrible. Community and all that and certainly its allowed to attend the ceremony but to go to the reception...?! I dont think it would have been more acceptable if these uninvited people had dressed up but it does add another layer of disrespect.
JohnDeLancieAnon
A co-worker of mine got married recently. She wanted a small wedding (we weren't invited), but the groom's parents demanded they invite the entire congregation. It's a thing, I guess. They lucked out because a more active member of the church was getting married the same day and everybody went to that wedding.
noonecaresat805
Dang. That sucks. I would have immediate gotten up and told them that it was picnic style and to get in touch with me to coordinate what to bring. And since they were bringing food no gift was required.
DogsandCatsWorld1000
Congregations being allowed to attend the ceremony itself is sort of a thing, but they should dress presentably and it does not extend to the reception after. That pastor was really wrong to invite them all to that.
Traditional_Air_9483
I would have raised my hand and announced to the parishioners “ I’m so sorry, Father F’ up misunderstood us. Everyone is welcome to the wedding service. We hope to see you all in church.”
Then you take Father F’ up in the back and explain the situation. He needs to ask about that in advance and be prepared for a “No!” I would also tell him they cleaned out all the food intended for your family. He doesn’t get a pass.
jerseygirl1105
Outsiders have ALWAYS been allowed to attend wedding ceremonies held in churches. That's almost every church policy. Inviting the congregation to the reception? That's insane and anyone not invited should have been turned away at the door.
Live-Tomorrow-4865
Anybody and everybody is generally welcome at the Church ceremony, but, the reception is a private affair to which invitations are issued by those hosting it. Somebody needs to clue in this pastor so she doesn't continue to spend other peoples' money for them. That's outrageous.
Not for nothing, but had your sister been a little older and wiser, she could have found a polite way to correct the congregation in their misinformation. I'd have found a way to spread the word that while we wished we could invite everybody, we are on a newlyweds budget, and the reception is only for the family + wedding party.
I bet she would do so now. 😉 I've become so intolerant of boundary stomping nonsense in my "old age" that I've learned to be diplomatic AF, almost to the point where if I tell people to do or not to do something, please, they can walk away thinking it was their own idea. I want my rules, routines, and boundaries adhered to, but, I don't like alienating people, so, it's something I've learned.
The OP respnded here:
Riviera_Sunset
Yeah she was very non-confrontational at that point in her life, but she would definitely stand up for herself if something like that happened now.
ronansgram
I’ve certainly seen that done, but usually if people from the congregation come to the wedding there is only like punch and cookies and lasts about an hour and then the rest go on to the bigger reception. Also the little gathering after the church wedding was often put on by the congregation itself not adding a burden on the couple.
I’m surprised that so many showed up at the reception considering the distance and time of night. The congregation, not family and friends that were truly invited.
The OP again responded:
Riviera_Sunset
Agreed. The pastor should have communicated with them better. When I attended a different church when I was younger, there would frequently be weddings at the church with casual receptions with just cake and mixed nuts and punch in the reception hall at the church.
But for the pastor to know they were renting out a hotel ballroom, he definitely should have checked with them before inviting a bunch of randos.
StinkypieTicklebum
Ministers and other men of the cloth are kind of notorious for offering things they have no part in the preparation of. In my experience, it’s been the ministers/priest offering stuff without asking or notifying the altar guild first.
I always supposed it was another ‘female tax’ thing, but this action seems to affect both genders equally. I hope the young couple did say something! Men of the cloth aren’t infallible—they’re just men! I think a little chat to point out how thoughtless and detrimental his actions were would have been the logical next step. 🙏