Groom refuses to put racist high-school bully in wedding even if he's the BIL. UPDATE

Falling in love with your life partner can be a thrilling and blissful time... until you find out they're related to your arch nemesis.

When a groom-to-be put his foot down on an issue that his future in-laws largely dismissed, a fight ensued. So, naturally, he came to Reddit for wisdom and guidance. What comes next is an epic tale of love, hate, pride, cultural differences, and possibly forgiveness...

'AITA (Am I the A-hole) for not wanting to make my future brother-in-law a groomsman?'

u/aita_throwaway018 says:

My fiancé [25F] and I [29M] are from the same hometown, but we never went to school together. I graduated high school the year before she started at the same high school. I did, however, go to school with her older brother [30M].

Her brother was a bully to my during our entire school careers. He made fun of me for being fat and nerdy, he would call me racist names (They're Italian and I'm Indian, so he had a lot to say about that), and he was just overall terrible to me.

I figured once we graduated, I'd never see him again, and for the most part, I was right. I went off to college out of state, and then ended up going to graduate school as well.

During my first year in grad school, I was a teacher's aid for a class, and I noticed one of the girls who I thought was very smart and very pretty, but obviously I couldn't go out with her because of our positions.

Well, right after the semester ended, I ran into her at a coffee shop off campus and we chatted for a bit. She ended up asking me for my number, and then she actually asked me out a few weeks later. We've been together ever since.

At the start of our relationship, I had no idea who her brother was. They have a very common American last name, so it's not like that was going to do anything.

Eventually, we figured out we were from the same town and we went to the same high school, at which point she asked me if I knew her brother and I said I knew of him, but not well. I probably should've told her what her brother had done to me at that point, but I was too embarrassed, so I kept it hidden.

Things really came to a head when she introduced me to her family a year later. Her brother actually called me by the same nickname he liked to use to bully me, and then made a few semi-insulting remarks towards me again.

My fiancé (girlfriend at the time) noticed and called him out on it, and he just explained that that was how we always talked before. I told her it wasn't a big deal since I didn't want to cause any drama.

We got engaged three months ago. Recently, we were talking about wedding plans and stuff with her family, and he asked me when I was going to ask him to be a groomsman and if I was doing anything special. I deflected, and after the call I asked her about it.

She explained that her brother expected to be made a groomsman, since she was making my little sister and her SIL bridesmaids and he made her a bridesmaid in his wedding.

I told her about why I didn't like her brother, and she said that she understood, but it was still right to make him a groomsman. I said no again, and she got pretty upset about it and said her parents were going to be mad.

I was also annoyed, so I texted my BIL and told him that I felt like I deserved an apology from him. He said he had 'nothing to be sorry for.'

I told him that I didn't even want him at the wedding and the only reason he was going to be there was because he had to be.

I texted her family group chat to say that he wasn't going to be one under any circumstance, and now they're all mad at me. I know I shouldn't have said that, but he really upset me with that. I feel like I have to fix this. AITA?

What do you think? Is OP being too rigid and risking way too much over something small? Or is this response from his in-laws indicative of something worse?

Reddit ruled a unanimous NTA (not the a-hole) and needed more information, which OP graciously provided. Make sure to read through to the end!

Yui_Ma says:

NTA. But it seems like a stupid hill to die on. You're getting married, it's not really the right time to offend your wife and her whole family. Personally, I would let him be a groomsman.

But privately let him know (not in writing) that he is not there on his own merit. And, he is neither wanted nor enjoyed. And, frankly, enlist my other groomsmen to literally toss him out if he says or does one damn thing to ruin his sister's wedding with his looser racist bs. Boom, you're the hero. He's the AH.

But OP disagrees:

I don't think it's a stupid hill to die on. They're Catholic, so we're going to have a ceremony in a Catholic Church, and I feel like if I know he's standing behind me when we're at the altar, I'm going to feel absolutely terrible. Like I don't want to be saying vows and he's right there behind me.

The other thing is that I'm going to be having my groomsman wear some traditional Indian clothes for the Indian events and part of the reception. I don't feel right about having him wear stuff like that when he's made fun of my culture before.

Besides, I once wore one of the things we're going to be wearing to school for picture day in middle school and he made fun of me for it relentlessly. I have no doubt he'd make fun of the clothes at the wedding too. I don't want to be ashamed of my own culture at my own wedding.

squirrel112015 comments:

NTA she doesn’t HAVE to have your sister as her bridesmaid. Sounds like she made that choice. You get to make this one. Honestly, I would tell her how it would feel for you to have to hear those remarks next to you through the whole ceremony.

How much that would take you out of the experience. I hope she can understand that you want to be focused on your love and your love alone that day. Best of luck!

And OP reveals more relevant info:

Yeah, that's how I feel. And, I really don't want him to be made a groomsman because he didn't even invite me to his own wedding, despite the fact that I'd been dating his sister for over 3 years at that point. Something about how they wanted an intimate wedding lol

Responsible_Storm124 writes:

Then you have a choice because they aren’t compromising with you. 1. Let him participate 2. Don’t and pay for your own wedding. NTA. You don’t need someone who emotionally abused you celebrating your happy day in your wedding party. But this will cause problems. Good luck.

OP responds:

I mean I'd prefer if he wasn't there at all, honestly, but there's not really any way for me to get that. There's no way I can let him participate. He was actually my number one bully the whole time. The only thing that kept me alive was thinking that I'd never have to see him again.

AgentAlpo comments:

NTA. You should have been up front about how much her brother bullied and hurt you in the past and how it still hurts when he says that stuff. In your attempt to avoid drama, you've ended up with worse drama because now it's harder to justify your dislike when you've previously said it's no big deal. Your fiancee is crappy for not supporting you in this. She's supporting a racist bully instead of her future husband.

OP answers:

I don't blame my fiancé. Her parents are paying for a lot of the wedding, even the part of the wedding that they have no interest in.

Indian weddings are pretty huge, and they've already agreed to pay their share of it even though their guests are only going to be a quarter of the total guest list, and they don't even mind paying for the extra events that we're going to have that aren't a part of a normal American wedding.

I think they just expected me to do the same as their daughter in law.

Wow, that's a lot.But don't worry, there's more!

Later, OP added an update to his original post:

So I showed my fiancé this post and she had an actual panic attack reading through the comments. She kept repeatedly asking me if I was going to break up with her and then she kept saying sorry.

I think the comments telling me to reconsider the relationship and consider whether or not I wanted to actually have a future with her really got to her.

She's yelling at her parents on the phone right now. I have no idea whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Looks like Reddit made a real-life impact!

He added:

So my fiancé's parents decided they wanted to talk to me after my fiancé yelled at them. Her mom apologized straight away and said that she had no idea we had such a history, and although she believed his comments had always been wrong, she thought I was okay with it.

Her dad also apologized but tried to talk about how family was more important and I should let this all be in the past.

I said I couldn't, and he started getting really angry at me, and now all three of them are yelling at each other again (well mostly my fiancé and her mom vs her dad) and I'm starting to feel really guilty about this whole thing.

But OP assures us in another comment:

I'm not going to rethink my future with her just because of her brother.

It's obvious who the a-hole is, but what isn't obvious is the path forward.

What would you do in OP's situation?