Man pays fully for bio daughter's wedding, won't 'help' with stepdaughter's wedding.

Being a step-parent involves a complicated balance of keeping yourself open to a relationship with your step-kids, while respecting the fact that they might never view you as family.

In the early years, particularly when they're young, it makes sense to prioritize the comfort of the kids even if it means swallowing your pride and breathing through some less-than-lovely dynamics.

But once they're adults, it's more than fair to assert your own needs and boundaries when the dynamics feel exploitive or unsustainable.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for refusing to pay for his step-daughter's wedding since she didn't invite him.

He wrote:

AITA for paying for my bio daughter's wedding but not my step-daughters because of how she acts and treats me?

For context: I (56M) have been married to my wife Lisa (57F) for 25 years. We have a daughter together April (24F) and Lisa has a daughter Carly (33F) with her ex-husband Doug (60ish M).

Lisa had divorced Doug when Carly was only 6/7 because he had addiction problems and refused to seek treatment for it and essentially couldn’t hold down a job or help provide for their family.

I met Lisa soon after and we got married and she had full custody of Carly so they both moved into my house at the time.

I have always seen Carly as my own daughter and always wished to be an additional male figure in her life after her own father, but she always saw me as the man who replaced her dad and took them away from him.

As someone who came from divorced parents myself, I completely understand why she felt this way and respected that she wanted space and boundaries from me. I never pushed anything beyond just a friendship between us and never forced a father/daughter relationship.

With this, I always tried my best to show up to her school events with her mom, paid for college, included her in all of my family’s gatherings etc. But once Lisa and I had our first child April, Carly was extremely resentful of April and thought April was here to replace her the way I “replaced” her dad in her family.

She would often bully April when they were kids and we had to put them both in therapy to finally work things out.

Now they’re both adults and have their own lives but Carly continues to take digs at April whenever she has the chance, compares herself to April, talks down to her etc, and now this is getting to their weddings. April got married last year and I paid for the whole thing as she is my daughter.

Carly recently got engaged and I offered to help pay for the wedding (which she gladly accepted) and the planning was seemingly going well until she showed her mom the guest list and April and I were nowhere to be found.

Carly said she didn’t feel close enough with April and I to include us in her big day which I respect and understand. But she’s not close enough to me to invite me to her wedding, yet she’s okay enough with me to want me to fund the entire event?

This is when I told her I won’t be paying for it anymore and it’s become a huge issue that I’m “treating her like she isn’t my daughter, showing favoritism to April, it’s not fair” etc. I have done nothing but try to build a relationship with her for 25 years, but she clearly doesn’t want one except for when I’m financially benefiting her.

I didn’t mind this when she was a kid because it was my responsibility to provide for her, but I’m just so sick of this now that she’s older. AITA for paying for April’s wedding but not Carly’s?

The internet did not hold back.

HumanityIsBizarre wrote:

Tell her you didn’t want to replace her dad so didn’t feel right taking his responsibility of paying for the wedding.

NotCreativeAtAll16 wrote:

NTA. She didn't treat you as a father, so why should she expect you to treat her as a daughter? Asking her to include YOU AND HER SISTER IN THE WEDDING SHE WANTED YOU TO PAY FOR is ballsy.

And I think you're well within your rights to say no. INFO, what does Mom say about all of this?

Popular_Error3691 wrote:

NTA. How is this even a question? You are a saint to put up with her crap all this time and not doing anything sooner.

DearZucchini1320 wrote:

You’ve been her stepdad and stepsister for 20+ years and she doesn’t invite you to her wedding? That‘s cold! NTA although I wonder what her reasons are for doing something so extreme.

Edit to ask: how does your wife feel about this? Is she okay going to her daughters wedding all by herself?

OP jumped on to share some clarification in response to some of the questions.

My wife is just really upset. Not with just the wedding, but the way Carly has rejected me over the years and that it’s gotten to this point. She wants Carly to invite April and I and then have me pay if I get invited, but I think the damage has been done by now to even reconsider helping.

She hates that Carly doesn’t want to have a relationship with me or April, but says she will go to the wedding because she needs to still support her on her big day which I understand. My wife doesn’t support Carly excluding us but she isn’t outright taking sides.

Clearly, OP is NTA, but Carly is, and in some ways, his wife for not standing up for him more.