'AITA if I don’t gift my sister as much as I initially said I would for her wedding?'
"AITA if I don’t gift my sister as much as I initially said I would for her wedding?"
ThrowRAtired2024
My sister has been planning her wedding for 6 months. Sometime last year, my hubby and I decided that we would plan on gifting her $10k to pay for her wedding because she and her partner didn’t have the funds to pay for their dream wedding (they are quite frivolous with money). We told her that was our plan, thinking she could budget accordingly.
My sister just had her wedding today. After looking at the timetable of events I realized I was excluded from getting ready with her and my family. I found out that she organized my mother, my sister in law and my 2 year old daughter (flower girl) to get ready and made up with her and her bridesmaids.
It was so humiliating to find out I was not included. Worse, was that she asked me several months ago if I wanted to get my makeup done with the groom’s sister. It was completely weird to get my hair and makeup done with the groom’s family, who I barely know.
No one said anything but I think the groom’s cousins were confused that the bride’s sister was getting hair and makeup with them. She says she just had no idea and didn’t mean to exclude me.
I’m obviously extremely upset about the snub and rethinking whether we are as close as I thought. I was planning on giving her gift in the coming days. I’d like to gift her a little less now - like $1-2k.
Still generous for most people but less generous than initially suggested. WIBTA for giving less than I had previously stated I would? I am prepared for yes, but just wanted to hear any thoughts.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ok-Imagination5264
NTA for feeling hurt and reconsidering the gift amount. It's understandable to feel excluded and upset about not being involved in the getting-ready process, especially as her sister.
However, it's important to consider the reasons behind your gift. If the gift was meant as a generous gesture to help your sister have her dream wedding, consider if this incident changes the spirit of your gift. It's okay to adjust the gift based on your feelings, but also think about the long-term impact this might have on your relationship with your sister.
Perhaps a conversation about how her actions made you feel would be beneficial before making a final decision on the gift amount. Ultimately, the amount you choose to give should reflect your comfort level and the value you place on your relationship with your sister.
SkyComplex2625
YTA - I’m sorry but what snub exactly? It doesn’t sound like you were under the mistaken impression that you were a bridesmaid, so why would you get ready with the wedding party…?
Maximum-Swan-1009
This may be a radical idea, but have you asked her why she excluded you from the family session and had you have your make-up done with her SIL? Maybe there was a practical reason?
I would ask her in a calm manner and express that you were hurt. Better to attempt to clear the air than to let it fester for years. Pay the money since you promised it. You would look petty otherwise and further damage your relationship.
EyeRollingNow
Who talks about a gift way in advance and then calls the receiver frivolous. You want us to be mad at her to side with you but when it comes to weddings and you made a promise, you committed. Don't make promises you are only conditional on. Just wait to discuss until you are ready to give.
roxythekapopcat
NTA. Give her a gift like you would give to somebody who is not family, since she didn't treat you like family.
Fabulous_Cow_4550
YTA for reneging on a promise. Your sister probably budgeted her wedding based on your offer. It would be major AH to now give her $8000 worth of debt.
Info You say she asked you if you wanted to get your make up with grooms sister, did you say no? This might not be a snub, maybe she wanted you two to bond? If you didn't say no, you can't be annoyed that's what happened! If you did say no, that's a different matter.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRAtired2024
Why exclude the fact that everyone else, non bridal party, is celebrating with her? She isn’t in debt, she and her partner make more than the average person.
Illustrious-Tap5791
ESH. It would be mean but also it’s commonly known not to plan with money you don’t yet have. Though you are punishing her harsher than she deserves even if she was mean…
Bold-n-brazen
YTA. You promised to give a very large sum of money to help pay for the wedding as a gift. She was counting on that money and made plans based on that... and even if she didn't, it's a fairly hefty promise to make and it's a bad move to take it back. Also, who cares who you "get ready with?" And if it really was a mistake, then it was a mistake.
It's not a big deal. Don't be petty and take NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS away from your gift because for two hours you had to get your hair done with the groom's sister. That's just petty and it's saying that your gift (that you declared ahead of time for some reason) has some very thin strings attached.
The OP again responded here:
ThrowRAtired2024
Thanks. I will talk to my husband about gifting it. We just wanted to help her out which is why we told her in advance. We thought they were struggling to pay for it. They are struggling because they are budgeting for a lot of nonsensical things.
She is a doctor with no kids. Her husband has an executive job. They just spend ridiculously. I get your point. If I don’t gift it, they would never ask for it and would never expect it. I never attached strings to the presents, however I can see how it appears that way. Thanks for your input, I’ll suck it up and work some extra shifts to pay it.